“I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"” GivingFirstsHumorFunnyUsedGirlMiddleDrinkYeahWineHeadacheThis Girl Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!” IfsHumorFunnySportsFeetYeahAthlete Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Directing is monumentally complicated and it's a function of all the time you pay to it. I think it would be great to do a movie I'm not in, I could just eat Fritos and just say, 'yeah, it's good!' Some day.” ThinkingWould BePayFunctionYeahComplicated Author:Ben Affleck
“I do get labeled as a guitar band, but the only reason is that's the instrument I know how to play. The guitar is serving the song I'm writing. But I'm learning how to play keyboard better now so that'll start serving the song as well; it'll be another flavor. I'm not going to switch it up with big, fat drum machine beats and real swoopy synths, but yeah...” KnowsWritingWellsRealReasonPlayBigsSongKnow HowBandBeatsMachinesYeahInstrumentsGuitarFatsServingFlavorKeyboardsBetter Now Author:Mac DeMarco
“I enjoy hunting, but if I had my choice to go deer hunting or bass fishing, I'd take bass fishing any day of the week. I enjoy both of them, but yeah, I'm a very outdoorsy guy.” IfsGuyChoicesEnjoyWeekYeahFishingHuntingBassDeerDays Of The WeekDeer Hunting Author:Larry the Cable Guy
“Once I became a cop. I dived into that career. I never wanted to be an LAPD officer because I thought 'LA is super dangerous, not the place I'd want to be a cop'. But as a boy of course I was into guns, cops and robbers, so that's why it was cool to me and thought 'Yeah I could do this job'.” WantWantedJobsCoursesBoysCareersDangerousGunYeahOfficersCopRobbersCops And RobbersLapd Author:Eric Hernandez
“I have seen 'Thor', yeah. It's fantastic. Being that close to something, it's often pretty hard to watch yourself, but the film in so many ways is so impressive that I was swept along with it like an audience member, and that's a pretty good sign.” WayHardFilmWatchesAudienceMembersYeahFantasticImpressive Author:Chris Hemsworth
“I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.” TwoEndsHumorFunnyPartyYeahShopsStationsScrewsSandwichesSubwayTwo Days Author:Chelsea Handler
“When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the... Get your... I'll put a... Get out of my face!"” WantChildrenHumorFunnyFacesFatherSoundYeahAngryIdiotFoulFilth Author:Bill Cosby
“Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.” WorldHas BeensHumorFunnyGivenSportsMorningPlayerJudgingSkillsOkayUltimateYeahAlcoholRingsChampionToneBeing The BestPotChampionshipPillsBanjosMorning AfterFrisbeeTasersBanjo PlayersJudge Judy Author:Dave Attell
“[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.” HumorFunnyTogetherGrowsWatchesLimitsYeahWarmBlanketTelescopesCometsTime LimitHalley's Comet Author:David Cross
“All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.” TryingHardHumorKidsFunnyTalkingMy FriendsThirdsYeahGirlfriendAbortionYour GirlfriendFinesseConsecutive Author:David Cross
“This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up and asbestos shooting into the sky.” WorldWayHumorFunnyDiesRaceCitiesSkyNew YorkExcitingYeahShootingNew York CityConstructionCrashRiotPlaces In The WorldSubwaySidewalkCranesBlowing UpAsbestosRace Riots Author:Denis Leary
“Yeah, I love living in New York, man, and people who live in New York, we wear that fact like a badge right on our sleeve because we know that fact impresses everybody! I was in Vietnam. So what? I live in New York!” PeopleKnowsMenFactsHumorFunnyNew YorkYeahVietnamImpressSleevesBadges Author:Denis Leary
“"Yeah, well, if you eat red meat, it stays in your colon for fifteen years!" Good! I paid for it; I want it in my ass, okay? I want them to find a meat sweater from my esophagus to my asshole when they open me up in the end! "This guy's covered in meat! He's Meat-Man! He's Meat-Tracheotomy-Man!"” IfsMenWantYearsWellsEndsHumorFunnyGuyRedOkayPaidYeahAssMeatCoveredFifteenThis GuySweatersFifteen YearsRed Meat Author:Denis Leary
“I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.” ThinkingShouldHumorFunnyYeahRainbowNailsBeardFlingFrisbee Author:Dylan Moran
“You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts...' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.” ThinkingKnowsPersonsHas BeensArtHumorFunnyTalkingNiceModernLike YouListeningEuropeTheaterYeahCriticalGermanyAffable Author:Dylan Moran
“That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"” PeopleWellsHumorFunnyYeahHeyJailPostcardsQuizYeah Yeah Yeahs Author:Jim Gaffigan
“I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."” KnowsTryingFirstsHumorFunnyWaterYeahSellingKicksHahaBottled Water Author:Jim Gaffigan
“I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"” WantKindHardHumorFunnyWaterDrinkShotsYeahGlassesEightEmsI Am Single Author:Jim Gaffigan
“There's this whole post-modern, nuevo beatnik, retro-bohemian thing going on, you know what I mean? You walk into some coffee shops, and it feels like you're an ex-patriot in Paris in the 20s. You're like, 'Hey, isn't that a young Ernest Hemingway over there? Yeah, I think it is! Hey, let's go have a look and see what he's writing... It's a Gap application.'” ThinkingKnowsFeelsWritingLooksMeanWholeHumorFunnyYoungWalksModernLike YouYeahCoffeeHeyPostsParisShopsGapsApplicationPatriotExesBohemianCoffee ShopRetroBeatnik Author:Marc Maron
“We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!” GivingHumorFunnyTalkingGive MeYeahCocaineParanoid Author:Robin Williams
“I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."” KnowsFeelsLooksSaidHumorFunnyPerfectMorningDoctorsMirrorsYeahGet UpThrowingEvery MorningEyesightVomitingThrowing UpUgly Face Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“I never was strutting through the hallways like, "Yeah, I'm a singer/songwriter." That's never a cool thing to do - to be the brooding guy.” GuyYeahSingersThings To DoSongwritersSinger SongwritersBroodingCool ThingsHallwaysStrutting Author:Tyler Hilton
“Some people work to have a weekend and so on the weekend they genuinely don't think about anything apart from the fact that they're on their weekend. Some people are like that so maybe some people would be like, "Yeah that'd be great. Take away my anxiety and give me a nice lounge chair." But I would be so not interested in that.” PeopleThinkingGivingFactsWould BeNiceAnxietyGive MeYeahChairsWeekendNot Interested Author:Kristen Stewart
“As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...'” ThinkingFeelsSoulHumorFunnyTogetherPastSleepBabyBedMouthsDiedYeahLaysComing OutBizarreDeprivationPast LifeSleep Deprivation Author:Adam Ferrara
“My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that ... discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was ... gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up." She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"” YearsTwoHomeHumorFunnyGirlBehindsBoysSawsFeetSonWalkingYeahSizeMy SonGenesTwelveShut UpGiftedWalking Home Author:Bill Engvall
“Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.” WellsLooksLittlesDoeHumorBigsEyeFunnyYeahLike MeGirlfriendBig Eyes Author:Kristen Schaal
“Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.” IfsKnowsHumorFunnyNextBoysPlansWeekRocksYeahIndianIslandsRock N RollLiving OnTuesdayRehabThursdayAccording To Plan Author:Noel Fielding
“I'm going to name drop like an idiot now, but Bono rang me up once, right? I don't know how he got my number, but I, ever so stupidly, and obviously thought it was one of my mates mocking about. So I was like, "Yeah, whatever." And it was him, but I even went to him, "That's not even a good Irish accent!"” KnowsHumorFunnyNamesNumbersKnow HowYeahIdiotMatesAccentsIrish Accent Author:Noel Fielding
“When you go to a great concert something that happens is there is a deep sense of communality and connectedness one to another - as though we are all looking to eachother and saying yeah, we get it, we're all on one page.” HappensPagesYeahConcertsConnectedness Author:Bill Henson
“Secrets are always never as well kept as people think they are. More often than not when you reveal something, especially the bigger it is, people always had some inkling, or they're like, "Well, yeah, of course."” PeopleThinkingWellsCoursesSecretBiggerYeah Author:James Scott
“I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh... I guess I said something, and, uh... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she..." Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it."” KnowsWayWellsSaidFeelingsFunnyFacesGuyHurtResponsibilityTalkingComedyHappenedShotsMy FriendsYeahMadPhrasesGirlfriendRemoveThis GuyHurt FeelingsMad At Him Author:Louis C. K.
“You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says "dolphin safe", and you look at it and kind of go, "Yeah, but"-like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, "I want to do the right thing-but it's probably kind of bland without the dolphin."” ThinkingWantLooksKindFunnyComedySafeYeahRight ThingShopsDolphinsBlandTuna Author:Louis C. K.
“New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."” NeedsMadeHomeWould BeFunnyCitiesComedyNew YorkGrewGrew UpYeahAddressesHolidayPoundsDriversRipBack HomeParanoidCabTokyoInnsStompingCab Drivers Author:Jim Gaffigan
“I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired."” ThinkingKnowsFunnyAnimalComedyPlanetsBabyFemaleScientistYeahBillsMalesStubbornAssistantsDid You KnowHaving A Baby Author:Jim Gaffigan
“If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill."” IfsLooksFunnyGuyComedyDadToughYeahHotelPoolMurderer Author:Jim Gaffigan
“Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger, but then it turns out I'm not. Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid. So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!" She got all mad at me. I was like, "I'm on your side here."” FeelsSometimesKidsFunnyTurnsSidesSawsComedyConnectionsYeahMadStrangerHittingMallsYour Side Author:Demetri Martin
“I saw this sign posted once, it said, "Blasting Zone Ahead." Wow. Shouldn't that read: "Road Closed?" What do you mean there's a blasting zone? What am I supposed to do? "Hey-uh, you might wanna buckle up. Blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're- (Pow!)- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one-we lost Billy?"” ThinkingMeanSaidMightFunnyLastsRememberLostSawsComedyYeahHeyZoneWowHelmetPowBuckles Author:Brian Regan
“That's all we had when I was a kid: Robitussin. No matter what you got, Robitussin better handle it. "Daddy, I got asthma." "Robitussin." "I got cancer." "Robitussin." "I broke my leg." Daddy poured Robitussin on it. "Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get in there. Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get on down to the bone. The 'tussin ought to straighten out the bone."” MatterKidsFunnyBoysComedyOughtNo Matter WhatYeahCancerLegsBonesHandleBrokeDaddyAsthma Author:Chris Rock
“The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?"” PeopleIfsKnowsYearsMeanSaidFunnyGuyAsksWhiteKnownComedyFourDoorsBloodMetsTownsYeahCome UpAsk MeNosesStationsCall MeOfficersComing OutCopJust BeingThis GuySaladBenchesSeventeenArrestingSmartassAliases Author:Ron White
“Yeah, leading an examined life, I always say, is a pain in the ass. It adds an element of complexity to business that most businessmen don't want to hear about. They just want to call a fabric manufacturer, and say, "Hey, give us 10,000 yards of shirting."” WantGivingPainBusinessElementsYeahAddAssHeyComplexityFabricYardsBusinessmanExamined Life Author:Yvon Chouinard
“The picture I was hoping for is never the picture I get, but yeah, I think they fail all the time. Fortunately my clients don't think they do, so I can continue to have a career. But I just look at them and think.” ThinkingLooksI CanCareersFailingYeahClients Author:Gregory Heisler
“My dad used to call me "yeah but" because no matter what the answer was I always wanted to explore why things were what they were and how they might be different.” DifferentMatterMightWantedUsedAnswersDadNo Matter WhatYeahMy DadCall Me Author:Arlene Dickinson
“There are many different types of people that end up coming to me and saying 'Yeah I want to cook.' Some of them successful, some not. There's no one formula, but if I get someone coming through the backdoor who knows that they want to get into the cooking field, they feel this inside-out love for it, this attraction to it, that person is an awful lot easier to work with.” PeopleIfsKnowsWantFeelsPersonsDifferentEndsSuccessfulFieldsTypeEasierYeahCookingAttractionAwfulCooksFormulasBackdoor Author:Paul Rankin
“I find it's too much for me to read endless critiques, even if we're being well-defended, of exactly what we're doing. When someone tells us something we're doing wrong on the boards, we try to respond, we try to be responsive to the fan boards, but yeah, I can't read them.” IfsTryingWellsI CanToo MuchFansYeahEndlessBoardsCritique Author:Adam Savage
“Yeah, I think we did the term Muppets before we got the show Sam and Friends - a few months after I started working.” ThinkingShowsTermMonthsYeahMuppetMuppet Show Author:Jim Henson
“There's a kind of edge to what you're doing, the kind of leading edge of what you're doing. Inside that edge [are elements you] are familiar with, and are probably becoming slightly bored with, as well, over a period of time. "I've pulled that one out before. Oh, no, I can't I'm just fed up with that. Let's do something else."And you always think "Oh my God I've never done anything at all like that before." But, of course, in retrospect, and to an outsider, they'll say, "Oh, yeah that's typical Eno.” ThinkingWellsKindI CanDoneCoursesBecomingPeriodsElementsYeahEdgesFamiliarBoredFedsOutsidersTypicalRetrospectFed Up Author:Brian Eno
“Yeah, I did some small parts in high school and the first year of college and then fairly soon thereafter I settled into the backstage scenery, and then at the University of Maryland I was doing posters for their productions.” YearsFirstsSchoolCollegeHigh SchoolYeahUniversityProductionsPostersScenerySmall PartsMaryland Author:Jim Henson
“It is good to be God, yeah. It's nice to get the recognition that I've been working so hard for.” HardNiceYeahRecognitionWorking So Hard Author:Misha Collins