Quotessence
Home / Authors / Dave Barry
Dave Barry

Dave Barry Quotes

Author

Filter quotes by topic

AllFunnyIfsPeopleHumorousHumorThinkingKnowsWayYearsTryingWantMenPersonsWorldShouldComputerLiteratureLooksNeedsBook

Famous Dave Barry Quotes

“I feel like I have more experience with publishing humor than pretty much any editor I'm going to be dealing with so sometimes I'll get a little bit nuts if I write something I know is good a certain way, and some editor because of some restriction he has and wants to change it that I know is going to make it less funny that'll piss me off and then I'm inclined to go, "Well, hey I've been doing this a long time, maybe you should..." That doesn't happen that often, but I'm more likely to say that now than I would have been a long time ago. Because dammit, I'm infallible!”

IfsKnowsWayWantFeelsShouldWritingWellsLittlesLongHas BeensSometimesHappensCertainBitsLittle BitLong TimeHeyEditorsNutsPublishingLong Time AgoRestrictionInfallible
Author:Dave Barry
Create image

“I love the resource of the Internet. I use it all the time. Anything I'm writing - for example, if I'm writing a scene about Washington D.C. and I want to know where this monument is, I can find it right away, I can get a picture of the monument, it just makes your life so much easier, especially if you're writing fiction. You can check stuff so much quicker, and I think that's all great for writers.”

IfsThinkingKnowsWantWritingI CanUseStuffFictionExampleInternetEasierSceneResourcesChecksMonumentWriting Fiction
Author:Dave Barry
Create image

“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.”

IfsPersonsFactsBodyFunnyLiteratureHumorousWittyYour BodyPlatesHilariousFunny InspirationalCholesterolScientific FactsBody Temperature
Book:My Teenage Son's Goal in Life Is to Make Me Feel 3,500 Years Old: and Other Thoughts on Parenting from Dave Barry
Create image

“Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.”

IfsWellsCareLiteratureDancingDanceGet UpDancerBalletJust DanceBallet DancerHomecomingBallroomInspirational DanceNobody CaresMusic And DanceDance ClassShort DanceBallroom DanceBallroom DancingBallet DanceTap DanceBallet DancingMotivational DanceArt DanceDancers InspirationFunny DanceBallet ClassClassical DanceDance PerformanceProm NightBeautiful Dance
Book:Dave Barry Turns 50
Create image

“If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.”

IfsShouldChildrenMomentsHumorFunnyBabyMomEnormousPregnancySuggestingMy BabyBaby BoyGlandsNew Baby BoyBaby SmileCute Baby BoyDroolingCute Baby
Book:All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist
Create image

“As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.”

IfsKnowsTryingPersonsMatterHardRememberTurnsNamesForgetPartyTalkingMarriageAgingSpouseGreat MarriageEmbarassing
Book:The World According to Dave Barry
Create image

“If you're like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to have children. This was inevitable. Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.”

IfsWayHumansMayChildrenMotherParentLinesPowerfulRaceFourGenerationsBabyMembersDecidedInfiniteInstinctParentingIncomeInevitableHuman RaceMother NatureDisposableMargaritaBaby Boom
Book:The World According to Dave Barry
Create image

“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.”

IfsMenLifeInspirationalChildrenHumorFunnyWomenHumorousBaseballBallsParentingSavingHittingConsideringInfantCatchingBaseball PlayerFamous BaseballBaseball GamesFunny BaseballBaseball HittingBaseball LifeBaseball And LifeBest BaseballGreatest BaseballBaseball CoachSoftball Player
Author:Dave Barry
Create image

“If women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when there WAS a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon”

IfsWorldFeelsBelieveWould BeNationsLevelsWrittenMilitaryFrontsFlowerInvolvedConflictNotesCardsAwfulHilariousSincerelyHigh LevelGreetingsFeels JustGreeting Card
Author:Dave Barry
Create image

“The nicest Father's Day surprise of all for Dad would be if you handed him a box, and he unwrapped it, and there, inside, sitting on a bed of folded tissue, was the pair of his undershorts that somebody threw away six months ago (without asking Dad) because they had reached the stage where they were 3 percent undershorts and 97 percent holes. Dad misses those undershorts. They were his Faithful Undershorts Companion.”

IfsWould BeFatherStageMissingMonthsDadBedSixPercentSittingAskingSurpriseBoxesHolesFaithfulPairsCompanionSix MonthsFathers DayTissues
Author:Dave Barry
Create image

“Kids have *_____ never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.”

IfsKidsParentTakenTreeDadSittingOriginalsTeenagerGuidanceBranchesHuntingYellingSlamSitting AroundBerriesPrimatesBack In TimeSulking
Author:Dave Barry
Create image

“All these people helped make this book possible. But let me make one thing clear: If there are any errors or omissions in this book, these people are not responsible. In the end, there is only one person responsible for what I write, and that person, of course, is: Donald Trump.”

PeopleIfsWritingPersonsBookEndsFunnyCoursesReadingClearOne ThingTrumpLet MeResponsibleErrorsReading BooksOmission
Book:Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus
Create image

“I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and - this always amazes me - not stop to watch, even if the TV is showing replays of what we call a "good hit," which is a tackle that causes at least one major internal organ to actually fly out of a player's body.”

IfsBodyPastGamesCausesWalksWatchesPlayerFootballTvsMajorsInternalsOrgansAmerican FootballFootball GameFunny FootballFunny American FootballReplayWatching Football
Book:The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beer: And Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry
Create image