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George Carlin

George Carlin Quotes

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Famous George Carlin Quotes

“A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don't these people communicate?”

PeopleHeartWholeDreamRealizingBrainBeatsCommunicateScaryFasterHeartbeatHeart Beat
Book:3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
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“Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.”

PeopleIfsWayWantPersonsSometimesCoursesHouseCarNew YorkMurderTrainKillingDrivingLos AngelesImpatientSubwayDelayed
Book:Brain Droppings
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“I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.”

PeopleIfsKnowsFeelsRealGovernmentFunnyReligionChurchPayKnow HowPolicyOughtHolyTaxesHumorousSickCatholicWittyDebtSarcasticEstatesWipeCatholic ChurchHow You FeelAdmissionPublic PolicyOrganized ReligionPay The PriceNational Debt
Book:Napalm & Silly Putty
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“Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”

PeopleIfsThinkingMenWantLifeNeedsEndsHumorMotivationalFunnyReligionSufferingMoneyWatchesForeverFireSkyAtheismMinutesSpecialLove YouTenAtheistConvincedListsInvisibleBurningSmokeTortureScreamAgnosticEnd TimesAnguishLive ForeverSpecial PlacesNeed MoneyFunny Bumper StickerFunny ReligiousFunny AtheistGreatest Atheist
Author:George Carlin
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“People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.”

PeopleFunnyPoorMathSarcasmDriversSense Of HumorAwkwardHandwriting
Book:3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
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“It's not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the advent of sunscreens. That kind of thing makes me happy. The fact that people, in pursuit of a superficial look of health, give themselves a fatal disease. I love it when 'reasoning' human beings think they have figured out how to beat something and it comes right back and kicks them in the nuts. God bless the law of unintended consequences. And the irony is impressive: Healthy people, trying to look healthier, make themselves sick. Good!”

PeopleThinkingGivingTryingHumansLooksKindFactsLawHuman BeingsMediaHealthyDiseaseBeatsConsequenceSkinsSickCancerPursuitIronyKicksReasoningBlessNutsMainstreamSuperficialImpressiveMake Me HappyGod BlessAdventMainstream MediaSunscreenUnintended ConsequencesSkin Cancer
Book:Brain Droppings
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“I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.”

PeopleThinkingKnowsWayWantFeelingsStuffSixLet MeYeahComedianI Want YouGreat FeelingsJust Sayin
Book:3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
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“People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin.”

PeopleLittlesSaidSeemsNextMemoriesForgetHealingEventsOughtTragedyWoundsHealPermanentScarFadesPausesClosureScarring
Book:When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
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“The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real - directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols.”

PeopleRealFormLeftCausesViolenceWeaponsPoliceInstitutionsNuclearSymbolsInjuryVietnamNuclear WeaponsSymbolic
Book:Last Words
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