Best eating & humor Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy.”

Trying Has Beens Country Reason Humor Bigs Funny Boys Eating Towns Agriculture Country Boy

Book:Will Rogers' Weekly Articles: The Harding

Source: Will Rogers' Weekly Articles: The Harding

“I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.”

Knows Looks Mean Humor Hands Funny Guy Next Eating Bars Next Time Candy Candy Bar

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!”

Done Humor Funny Animal Eating Lazy Ants

Author:Demetri Martin

“I tried eating vegetarian. I felt like a wimp going into a restaurant. "What do you want to eat sir? Broccoli?" Broccoli's a side dish, folks. Always was, always will be, OK! When they ask me what I want, I say: What do you think I want? This is America. I want a bowl of raw red meat right now.”

Thinking Want Humor Funny America Asks Felt Sides Right Now Eating Red Folks Ask Me Meat Restaurants Vegetarian Bowls Dishes Broccoli Red Meat Wimps Side Dishes

Author:Denis Leary

“I don't know if you've ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.”

Ifs Knows Humor Funny Eating Clouds Fallen Plates Cauliflower

Author:Milton Jones

“There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.”

Said Two Humor Funny Eating Sandwiches Pubs Landlord Irishmen

Author:Frank Carson

“I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.”

Humor Funny Saws Nice Eating Bigger Visuals Pads Gals

Author:Adam Carolla

“We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.”

Knows Feels Littles Stills Humor Funny Found Parent Serious Brother Eating Caught Tiny Bags Funeral Airline Peanuts Allergies Little Brother My Little Brother

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.”

“After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?”

Needs Humor Funny Waiting Water Hours Eating Amphibians

Author:Steven Wright

“Do fish get cramps after eating?”

Humor Funny Eating Fishes Cramps

Author:Steven Wright

“Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.”

Humor Funny Decision Eating Instinct Denial Meat Engagement Eating Meat Natural Instinct Meat Eating Raw Meat

Author:Denis Leary

“You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.”

Ifs Use Humor Funny Habit Eating Eleven Groceries Carts Eating Habits

Book:Ranting Again

Source: Ranting Again

“If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.”

Ifs Should Believe Littles Humor Funny I Believe Grows Fronts Health Ego Eating Mirrors Clubs Work Out Health Care Muscles Psychiatrist

Author:Lewis Black

“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”

“If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .”

Ifs Want Years Humor Funny Eating Donuts

Author:Lewis Black

“I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.”

Source: Speaking of Freedom: The Collected Speeches

“I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.”

Humor Funny Lying Comedy One Day Eating Boss Cake Bakeries Lying On The Floor

Author:Noel Fielding

“You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.”

Humor Funny Minutes Six Eating Microwaves

Book:In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks

Source: In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks

“Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.”

“I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.”

“I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"”

Said Humor Funny Guy Fall Saws Eating Drinking Glasses Restaurants Milk Cows Jackets Leather Metamorphosis Hamburgers Leather Jackets

Author:Mitch Hedberg

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