“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
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Famous Joan Rivers Quotes
“If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.”
“I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'”
“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
“Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.”
“It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.”
“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.”
“There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.”
“I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.”
“My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.”
“Boy George is all England needs. Another queen who can't dress.”
“Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.”
“Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.”
“I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.”
“I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.”
“I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.”
“I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.”
“Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.”