“It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.”
Filter quotes by topic
Famous Joan Rivers Quotes
“Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.”
“The only way I can get a man to touch me at this age is plastic surgery.”
“With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.”
“You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.”
“I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter.”
“My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.”
“At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.”
Source: I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me
“Half of all marriages end in divorce- and then there are the really unhappy ones.”
Source: Bouncing back: I've survived everything-- and I mean everything-- and you can too!
“I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."”
“I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.”
“I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.”
“I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.”
“My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.”
“You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.”
“I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'”
“I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.”
“Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?”
“My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.”
Source: I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me
“Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own.”
“Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.”
“My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.”
“Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.”
“A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.”