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Humorous Quotes

Browse 3047 quotes about Humorous.

Humorous Quotes

“All my life I've been terrible at remembering people's names. I once introduced a friend of mine as Martini. Her name was actually Olive.”

People Life Funny Remember Names Mines Terrible Humorous Actresses Manners Introducing Olives Martini

Author:Tallulah Bankhead

“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.”

Art Funny Remember Forget Heard Positive Fine Humorous Witty Originality Favourite Fine Arts

Author:Laurence J. Peter

“When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.”

Source: The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain

“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.”

“I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.”

Thinking Way Kind I Can School Remember Audience Fronts College Humorous High School Remember When Juniors Elementary School Junior High

Author:Steven Wright

“Ladies who play with fire must remember that smoke gets in their eyes.”

Play Eye Remember Women Justice Fire Humorous Witty Smoke Sarcastic

Book:The wit and wisdom of Mae West

Source: The wit and wisdom of Mae West

“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened”

Source: Memoirs of the Second World War: An Abridgement of the Six Volumes of the Second World War

“And yet the motives of women are so inscrutable. You remember the woman at Margate whom I suspected for the same reason. No powder on her nose - that proved to be the correct solution. How can you build on such a quicksand? Their most trivial action may mean volumes, or their most extraordinary conduct may depend upon a hairpin or a curling tongs.”

May Mean Reason Action Remember Depends Solutions Humorous Extraordinary Noses Motive Sarcasm Volume Powder Inscrutable Quicksand

Book:The Return of Sherlock Holmes

Source: The Return of Sherlock Holmes

“In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.”

Men Ends Humor Light Running Funny Remember Asks Trouble Groups Drink Humorous Tasks Wine Drinking Complexes Alcohol Beer Cigarette Liquor Filters Beer Drinking

Book:Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

Source: Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

“Many years ago I remember a famous actress explaining to me with perfect seriousness that before making an entrance she always stood aside to allow God to go on first. I can also remember that on that particular occasion He gave a singularly uninspired performance.”

“I remember the day we were hanging around the band's commune and Roger came in with the press kit for a rock band (Moby Grape) any of us had ever seen. It looked psychedelic, yet it was done by ad people. I believe the word "hype" was coined on that very day.”

People Believe Done Remember I Believe Rocks Band Humorous Presses Advertising Ads Psychedelic Hype Grapes Roger Rock Bands Hanging Around Communes

Book:If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?!

Source: If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?!

“Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.”

Men Love Funny Remember Accepting Strange Humorous Profound Insane Strange Man

Author:Robin Morgan

“Though she doesn't remember any trauma, she said that her parents told her she cried on a daily basis and her grandmother resorted to passing out candy so the kids would play with her. Though it was a humorous moment, Mila said, "I know, God bless her. She's an amazing, amazing woman."”

Knows Said Play Moments Kids Remember Parent Humorous Bases Trauma Passing Passings Grandmother Bless Cried Candy Knowing God Grandma God Bless Amazing Woman Passing Out

Author:Mila Kunis

“Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.”

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

Said Wanted Remember Father Comedy Pieces Dad Humorous Fingers Happy Proof Fathers Day Kidnapped Funny Fathers Day Funny Father Funny Happy Fathers Day

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“Remember this: The house doesn't beat the player. It just gives him the opportunity to beat himself.”

Giving Funny Remember Opportunity House Money Player Beats Humorous Luck Gambling Gamble Betting Sports Betting

Author:Nick Dandolos

“I'll tell you how I'd like to be remembered: As a black man who won the heavyweight title - Who has humorous and who never looked down on those who looked up to him - A man who stood for freedom, justice and equality - And I wouldn't even mind if folks forgot how pretty I was.”

“When you get asked hundreds of questions, it's not possible to remember the answer to every one.”

Remember Answers Stupid Humorous

Author:William J. Clinton

“I intended to give you some advice but now I remember how much is left over from last year unused.”

Giving Years Funny Lasts Remember Left Advice Humorous Last Year

Author:George Harris

“Our civilization has decided that determining the guilt or innocence of men is a thing too important to be trusted to trained men. When it wants a library catalogued, or the solar system discovered, or any trifle of that kind, it uses up its specialists. But when it wishes anything done which is really serious, it collects twelve of the ordinary men standing round. The same thing was done, if I remember right, by the Founder of Christianity.”