Best wake-up & funny Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.”

“I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."”

Ifs Thinking Needs Two Sometimes Problem Humor Funny Night Hours Middle Cold Wake Up Yeah Covered Sweat No Problem Middle Of The Night

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to change your name and start a new life in a different city.”

Different Humor Funny Next Names Party Cities Morning Mark Wake Up New Life Good Party

Author:Vance Bourjaily

“I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'”

Thinking Feels Done Humor Funny Morning Wake Up Sorry Every Morning Blunt

Author:Bill Bailey

“It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?" But at night you're like, "La La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I've seen this episode. That Kirk Cameron's always in trouble."”

Thinking Funny Pain Night Sleep Watches Morning Comedy Growing Trouble Wake Up Hey Episodes Cameron Growing Pains Kirk

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“Just because a baby cries, I discovered, doesn't mean there's always something wrong. Sometimes babies wake up for no real reason. They just want to check if they're doing it right. "This is Sleeping, right?" "Exactly." "I just lie here?" "That's right." "Okay." Then back to sleep they go.”

Ifs Want Mean Children Real Sometimes Reason Humor Funny Lying Sleep Cry Baby Okay Wake Up Checks

Author:Paul Reiser

“It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I am the Pope.”

Thinking Problem Humor Happens Funny Remember Night Religion Serious Wake Up Pope

Author:Pope John XXIII

“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.”

“You know you're living right when you wake up, brush your hair - and confetti falls out!”

Knows Funny Fall Hair Wake Up Brushes Living Right Confetti

Author:Katy Perry

“When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.”

Firsts Humor Funny Morning Wake Up Hot Coffee Pot

Author:Emo Philips

“You always say 'I'll quit when I start to slide', and then one morning you wake up and realize you've done slid.”

Done Funny Realizing Morning Wake Up Quitting Fighter Slides

Author:Sugar Ray Robinson

“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”

Source: If This Isn't Nice, What Is?: Advice for the Young

“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.”

Humor Funny Lasts Night Comedy Letters Wake Up Hotel Hospitality Last Night

Author:Steven Wright

“I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.”

Ifs Way Want Needs Feels States Humor Funny Night Growing Achieve Baby Months Wake Up Nine Drunk Old Fashioned Nine Months

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.”

Humor Funny Trouble Wake Up

Author:Craig Ferguson

“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”

Funny Beautiful Sleep Wake Up Waking Sunrise Sleeping In Funny Sleep Waking Me Up

Book:Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)

Source: Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)

“If you want to give the devil a nervous breakdown, just get up every day and see how much good you can do.”

Source: Living Beyond Your Feelings: Controlling Emotions So They Don't Control You

“I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety.”

Funny Car Wake Up Tired Drinking Alcohol Driving Waking Ninety Funny Drinking Great Drinking Cuz Drinking Funny Great Alcohol Car Driving

Author:Richard Pryor

“I miss being able to wake up when I want and go on stage when I want and pull down my pants when I want.”

Want Able Funny Stage Missing Goes On Wake Up Dumb Pants

Author:Mark Wahlberg

“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.”

People World Book Humor Funny Enjoy Hours Drink Wake Up Beer Divided Waking Good And Bad Bad People

Author:Woody Allen

“There's one thing that's really great about waking up early, and it's not jogging or greeting the day - it's just that that's when they make doughnuts.”

Funny One Thing Wake Up Witty Waking Really Great Up Early Greetings Jogging Doughnut Waking Up Early

Author:Kathy Griffin

“I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money.”

Funny Asks House Wake Up Smoke Comedian My Sister Peter Workout Joints Acid Funny Comedian

Author:Kevin Meaney

“I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.”

Humor Light Funny Wish Wake Up Sells Sticks Incense Roommate False Hope Cinnamon

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When you wake up one day and say, "You know what? I don't think I ever need to sleep or have sex again." Congratulations, you're ready (to have children).”

Thinking Knows Needs Children Humor Kids Funny Sex Sleep Ready Baby One Day Humorous Wake Up Congratulations

Book:Everything and a Kite

Source: Everything and a Kite

“The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.”

Funny Jobs Work Morning Trouble Minutes Wake Up Jobless Unemployment

Author:Slappy White

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Wake Up Quotes