“I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.”
“Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.”
“The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.”
“Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.”
“Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?”
“Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.”
“Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.”
“A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.”
“Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.”
“I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.”
“Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.”
“House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.”
“In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.”
“What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?”
“For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.”
“Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.”
“Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.”
“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.”
“Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.”