Quotessence
Home / Authors / Erma Bombeck
Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Quotes

Column Author

Filter quotes by topic

AllChildrenFunnyIfsMotherKidsHumorHumorousLiteratureKnowsFoodYearsGivingLooksFamilyBabyCarInspirationalMenRoomsThinking

Famous Erma Bombeck Quotes

“Girls mature faster than boys, cost more to raise, and statistics show that the old saw about girls not knowing about money and figures is a myth. Girls start to outspend boys before puberty—and they manage to maintain this lead until death or an ugly credit manager, whichever comes first. Males are born with a closed fist. Girls are born with the left hand cramped in a position the size of an American Express card. Whenever a girl sees a sign reading, “Sale, Going Out of Business, Liquidation,” saliva begins to form in her mouth, the palms of her hands perspire and the pituitary gland says, “Go, Mama.” In the male, it is quite a different story. He has a gland that follows a muscle from the right arm down to the base of his billfold pocket. It's called “cheap.” Girls can slam a door louder, beg longer, turn tears on and off like a faucet, and invented the term, “You don't trust me.” So much for “sugar and spice and everything nice” and “snips and snails and puppydog tails.”

ChildrenParentingMotherhoodGirlsRaising
Book:Motherhood: The Second Oldest Profession
Create image

“When God Created Mothers" When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one." And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?" She has to be completely washable, but not plastic. Have 180 moveable parts...all replaceable. Run on black coffee and leftovers. Have a lap that disappears when she stands up. A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair. And six pairs of hands." The angel shook her head slowly and said. "Six pairs of hands.... no way." It's not the hands that are causing me problems," God remarked, "it's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have." That's on the standard model?" asked the angel. God nodded. One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks, 'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know, and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say. 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering a word." God," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "Get some rest tomorrow...." I can't," said God, "I'm so close to creating something so close to myself. Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick...can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger...and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower." The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she sighed. But tough!" said God excitedly. "You can imagine what this mother can do or endure." Can it think?" Not only can it think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator. Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. There's a leak," she pronounced. "I told You that You were trying to put too much into this model." It's not a leak," said the Lord, "It's a tear." What's it for?" It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride." You are a genius, " said the angel. Somberly, God said, "I didn't put it there.”

LoveChildrenHumorFamilySadnessMothersMothers Day
Book:When God Created Mothers
Create image

“I have never understood, for example, how come a child can climb up on the roof, scale the TV antenna, and rescue the cat ... yet cannot walk down the hallway without grabbing both walls with his grubby hands for balance.”

ChildrenHandsWalksExampleTvsWallBalanceUnderstoodCatScalesClimbsRescueRoofHallwaysGrabbingAntenna
Book:The Erma Bombeck Collection: If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?, Motherhood, and The Grass Is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank
Create image

“Adults are always telling young people, 'These are the best years of your life.' Are they? I don't know. Sometimes when adults say this to children I look into their faces. They look like someone on the top seat of the Ferris wheel who has had too much cotton candy and barbecue. They'd like to get off and be sick but everyone keeps telling them what a good time they're having.”

PeopleKnowsYearsLooksChildrenSometimesFacesYoungToo MuchAdultsSickWheelsSeatsGood TimesAdolescenceCandyCottonBarbecueBest YearCotton CandyFerris WheelsBest Years Of Your Life
Book:At Wit's End
Create image

“I will never understand children. I never pretended to. I meet mothers all the time who make resolutions to themselves. 'I'm going to ... go out of my way to show them I am interested in them and what they do. I am going to understand my children.' These women end up making rag rugs, using blunt scissors.”

WayChildrenEndsShowsMotherMy WayMy ChildrenResolutionRagsBluntScissors
Book:Four of a Kind: A Suburban Field Guide
Create image

“When the history of guilt is written, parents who refuse their children money will be right up there in the Top Ten.”

ChildrenParentMoneyWrittenTenGuiltRefuse
Book:The Erma Bombeck Collection: If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?, Motherhood, and The Grass Is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank
Create image

“Someday, when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a mother, I'll tell them: I loved you enough to bug you about where you were going, with whom and what time you would get home. ... I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover your friend was a creep. I loved you enough to make you return a Milky Way with a bite out of it to a drugstore and confess, 'I stole this.' ... But most of all I loved you enough to say no when you hated me for it. That was the hardest part of all.”

WayChildrenEnoughHomeMotherReturnLogicSilentHardestHatedMy ChildrenSomedayOver YouBitesBugsCreepsI Loved YouMilky Way
Author:Erma Bombeck
Create image

“There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.”

WorldChildrenSpiritualMorningThis WorldChristmasAwakeHolidayMerrySanta ClausInspirational ChristmasChristmas DayMerry ChristmasChristmas HolidayChristmas EveFunny ChristmasXmasChristmas ThoughtsBest ChristmasChristmas WishesChristmas LoveMerry Christmas InspirationalChristmas CardChristmas MagicChristmas MessageShort ChristmasHoliday TraditionsChristmas Card GreetingsChristmas Holiday GreetingsFunny Christmas CardChristmas JoyFunny Merry ChristmasMerry Christmas WishesChristian ChristmasCharity At ChristmasChristmas GreetingsMerry Christmas CardsCute ChristmasChristmas MorningCute Merry ChristmasHappy HolidaysHumorous ChristmasChristmas PeaceMerry Christmas GreetingsHoliday CardMerry Christmas Greeting CardClassic ChristmasWinter ChristmasHoliday Greeting CardChildren ChristmasWinter HolidayHoliday ThoughtsMerry Christmas Images
Book:Forever, Erma: Best-Loved Writing From America's Favorite Humorist
Create image

“If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.”

IfsChildrenHumorHandsEyeKidsFunnyHairBabyHumorousRaisedMy ChildrenWipeAttorney
Book:The Erma Bombeck Collection: If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?, Motherhood, and The Grass Is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank
Create image

“I got so much food spit back in my face when my kids were small, I put windshield wipers on my glasses.”

ChildrenHumorKidsFunnyFacesBabyHumorousGlassesSpit
Book:The Erma Bombeck Collection: If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?, Motherhood, and The Grass Is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank
Create image

“When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.”

ChildrenStatesMotherPresidentUnitedUnited StatesGoneEmptyVicesPassingTeethPassingsUpsetMourningRetirementBottlesWetShowersSpectatorsNestsDrainsVice PresidentTowelsShampooSupervisorsEmpty Nest
Author:Erma Bombeck
Create image

“The art of never making a mistake is crucial to motherhood. To be effective and to gain the respect she needs to function, a mother must have her children believe she has never engaged in sex, never made a bad decision, never caused her own mother a moment's anxiety, and was never a child.”

NeedsBelieveChildrenArtMadeMomentsMotherSexDecisionMistakeAnxietyGainsFunctionMotherhoodEngagedMaking MistakesCrucialBad Decision
Book:Four of a Kind: A Suburban Field Guide
Create image

“I see children as kites. You spend a lifetime trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until you're both breathless. They crash . . . you add a longer tail . . . you patch and comfort, adjust and teach. You watch them lifted by the wind and assure them that someday they'll fly.”

TryingChildrenRunningWatchesTeachWindComfortAddLifetimeSomedayCrashTailsPatchesKitesAdjustingBreathless
Book:Forever, Erma: Best-Loved Writing From America's Favorite Humorist
Create image