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P. J. O'Rourke

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

Satirist

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Famous P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”

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Book:The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig
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“There is no virtue in compulsory government charity, and there is no virtue in advocating it. A politician who portrays himself as "caring" and "sensitive" because he wants to expand the government's charitable programs is merely saying that he's willing to try to do good with other people's money. Well, who isn't? And a voter who takes pride in supporting such programs is telling us that he'll do good with his own money - if a gun is held to his head.”

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Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“People are all exactly alike. There's no such thing as a race and barely such a thing as an ethnic group. If we were dogs, we'd be the same breed. George Bush and an Australian Aborigine have fewer differences than a Lhasa apso and a toy fox terrier. A Japanese raised in Riyadh would be an Arab. A Zulu raised in New Rochelle would be an orthodontist. People are all the same, though their circumstances differ terribly.”

PeopleIfsWould BeDifferencesRaceGroupsDogCircumstancesRaisedFewerToysFoxesAustralianEthnic GroupsTerriersRiyadh
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“The preamble to the Constitution states: "We, the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquillity, provide for the common defence, promote the general welfare..." It doesn't say "guarantee the general welfare." And it certainly doesn't say "give welfare benefits to all the people in the country who aren't doing so well even if the reason they aren't doing so well is because they're sitting on their butts in front of the TV".”

PeopleIfsGivingWellsCountryStatesReasonFormOrderJusticePerfectUnitedCommonUnited StatesFrontsTvsBenefitsSittingConstitutionUnionsWelfareGuaranteesDefenceTranquillityGeneral WelfarePreamble
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“I like to do my principal research in bars, where people are more likely to tell the truth or, at least, lie less convincingly than they do in briefings and books.”

PeopleBookLyingResearchDrinkingAlcoholBarsTelling The TruthPrincipalAlcoholismDrinking AlcoholFunny DrinkingGreat DrinkingFunny AlcoholGreat AlcoholBriefing
Book:Holidays in Hell: In Which Our Intrepid Reporter Travels to the World's Worst Places and Asks,
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“It is easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities they do. Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful. Cats are mean for the fun of it. In fact, cats possess so many of the same qualities as people that it is often hard to tell the people and the cats apart.”

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Book:Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People
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“The Tenth Commandment sends a message to socialists, to egalitarians, to people obsessed with fairness, to American presidential candidates in the year 2000 - to everyone who believes that wealth should be redistributed. And that message is clear and concise: Go to Hell.”

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Book:Eat the Rich: A Treatise on Economics
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“Freedom is not empowerment. Empowerment is what the Serbs have in Bosnia. Anybody can grab a gun and be empowered. It's not entitlement. An entitlement is what people on welfare get, and how free are they? It's not an endlessly expanding list of rights - the "right" to education, the "right" to food and housing. That's not freedom, that's dependency. Those aren't rights, those are the rations of slavery - hay and a barn for human cattle.”

PeopleHumansLibertyRightsEconomicGunEmpowermentEconomicsSlaveryListsWelfareExpandingHousingEmpoweredEntitlementCattleDependencyBarnsHayBosniaRations
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“[T]he Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock? Peace Corps volunteers? Or maybe the people in Texas were attacked because of child abuse. But, if child abuse was the issue, why didn't Janet Reno tear-gas Woody Allen?”

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Book:Age and Guile Beat Youth, Innocence, and a Bad Haircut
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“The real slums are another matter. The bad parts of Tondo are as bad as any place I've seen, ancient, filthy houses swarmed with the poor and stinking of sewage and trash. But there are worse parts - squatter areas where people live under cardboard, in shipping crates, behind tacked-up newspapers. Dad would march you straight to the basement with a hairbrush in his hand if he caught you keeping your hamster cage like this.”

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Book:Republican Party Reptile: The Confessions, Adventures, Essays and (Other) Outrages of . . .
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“In comparative terms, there's no poverty in America by a long shot. Heritage Foundation political scientist Robert Rector has worked up figures showing that when the official U.S. measure of poverty was developed in 1963, a poor American family had an income twenty-nine times greater than the average per capita income in the rest of the world. An individual American could make more money than 93 percent of the other people on the planet and still be considered poor.”

PeopleWorldLongStillsAmericaPoliticalIndividualTermPoorPovertyGreaterModernFiguresPlanetsPercentShotsScientistTwentiesFoundationAverageNineIncomeOfficialsHeritageMore MoneyModern WorldAmerican FamilyLong ShotsPoverty In America
Book:Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government
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“When government does, occasionally, work, it works in an elitist fashion. That is, government is most easily manipulated by people who have money and power already. This is why government benefits usually go to people who don't need benefits from government. Government may make some environmental improvements, but these will be improvements for rich bird-watchers. And no one in government will remember that when poor people go bird-watching they do it at Kentucky Fried Chicken.”

PeopleNeedsMayDoeGovernmentRememberPoorRichFashionBenefitsBirdEnvironmentalImprovementWorking ItChickensPoor PeopleKentuckyElitistWatchersMoney And PowerFried ChickenBird Watching
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“So-called Western Civilization, as practised in half of Europe, some of Asia and a few parts of North America, is better than anything else available. Western civilization not only provides a bit of life, a pinch of liberty and the occasional pursuance of happiness, it's also the only thing that's ever tried to. Our civilization is the first in history to show even the slightest concern for average, undistinguished, none-too-commendable people like us.”

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Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“If libertarianism were easy to explain, and it weren't easy to exaggerate the effects of libertarianism, I think it would have been done already. Many many very intelligent people have applied themselves to crafting an agenda that people could grab ahold of. But the problem of course is that libertarianism isn't political. It is kind of anti-political. It wants to take a lot of things out of the political arena.”

PeopleIfsThinkingWantKindHas BeensDoneProblemPoliticalCoursesEasyEffectsIntelligentAgendasLibertarianismArenaAnti Political
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“Wealth is, for most people, the only honest and likely path to liberty. With money comes power over the world. Men are freed from drudgery, women from exploitation. Businesses can be started, homes built, communities formed, religions practiced, educations pursued. But liberals aren't very interested in such real and material freedoms. They have a more innocent - not to say toddlerlike - idea of freedom. Liberals want the freedom to put anything into their mouths, to say bad words and to expose their private parts in art museums.”

PeopleMenWorldWantArtIdeasRealHomeCommunityWealthLibertyPathHonestMaterialsMouthsBuiltInnocentMuseumsExploitationPursuedDrudgeryBad WordPrivate Parts
Book:Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer
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“Automobiles are free of egotism, passion, prejudice and stupid ideas about where to have dinner. They are, literally, selfless. A world designed for automobiles instead of people would have wider streets, larger dining rooms, fewer stairs to climb and no smelly, dangerous subway stations.”

PeopleWorldIdeasPassionRoomsStreetsDangerousStupidPrejudiceDinnerClimbsStationsFewerSelflessEgotismStairsAutomobileSubwayDiningDining RoomsSmellyStupid Ideas
Book:Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer
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“The poor of the world cannot be made rich by the redistribution of wealth. Poverty can't be eliminated by punishing people who've escaped poverty, taking their money and giving it as a reward to people who have failed to escape.”

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Book:All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty
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