Best humorous & used Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.”

“The telephone is the greatest single enemy of scholarship; for what our intellectual forebears used to inscribe in ink now goes once over a wire into permanent oblivion.”

Used Enemy Intellectual Humorous Phones Permanent Programming Telephones Oblivion Ink Wire Scholarship Answering Machines

Book:An Urchin in the Storm: Essays about Books and Ideas

Source: An Urchin in the Storm: Essays about Books and Ideas

“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”

Funny Used Sin Disease Humorous Witty Used To Be

Book:Does Anybody Have a Problem with That?: The Best of Politically Incorrect

Source: Does Anybody Have a Problem with That?: The Best of Politically Incorrect

“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”

“I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.”

“I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write songs like, "What I'm going to do if I grow up".”

Ifs Writing School Used Grows Education Growing Up Violence Humorous Tough Essays Dark Sarcasm

Author:Lenny Bruce

“My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.”

People Knows Feels Children Used Mother Humorous Letters Parenting Motherhood Guilty Apology

Author:Joan Rivers

“When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.”

Years I Can Home Humor Used Found Fun Half Humorous Winter Average Warm Oil Beer Quantity Beer Drinking Drinking Beer Gallons Brewing Funny Beer Brewing Beer Brewers Light Beer

Author:Dave Barry

“#3 pencils and quadrille pads.(when asked what CAD tools he used to design the Cray I supercomputer )”

Used Design Humorous Tools Witty Pencils Pads Cad Supercomputers

Author:Seymour Cray

“When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.”

Young Used Civilization Humorous Decided Western Contribution Decline Western Civilization

Book:Napalm & Silly Putty

Source: Napalm & Silly Putty

“We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it.”

Children Humor Kids Funny Used Rooms Baby Humorous Standing Bus One Time Rainbow Damp Midget Bus Stops

Book:Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy

Source: Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse: My Life in Comedy

“It (the double-clarinet in India) was primarily used for snake charming, since the snake would do almost anything to get the Indians to stop playing it.”

Used Music Humorous India Charming Snakes Clarinet

Author:Victor Borge

“I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.”

Used Disease Humorous Mad Cows Alright

Author:Billy Connolly

“I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.”

Thinking Body Humor Funny Used Realizing Brain Wonderful Humour Humorous I Realized Comedian Irony Organs Realised

Author:Emo Philips

“Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.”

People Ifs Needs Funny Young Used Company Products Humorous Customers Consumers Smoking Cigarette Cigar

Author:George Carlin

“People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it.”

People Funny Used Humorous Used To Be Opera

Author:Noel Coward

“Many, many of you have written to me asking the following question: 'Dave, have their been any new advancements in the field of artificial falcon insemination, and could these developments be used to improve the American electoral process?'”

Used Process Written Fields Development Humorous Asking Profound Following Insane Artificial Advancement Dave Falcon Electoral Process

Author:Dave Barry

“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”

Life Funny Used My Own Trouble Humorous Sells Witty Silly Furniture Hilarious Funny Business Funny Work Hilarious Short

Author:Les Dawson

“Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.”

Persons Able School Used Numbers Office Humorous Phones Used To Be Telephones Elevators Answering Machines Wrong Number

Book:Motherhood: The Second Oldest Profession

Source: Motherhood: The Second Oldest Profession

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