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Mark Twain

Mark Twain Quotes

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Famous Mark Twain Quotes

“I do not see how astronomers can help feeling exquisitely insignificant, for every new page of the Book of the Heavens they open reveals to them more and more that the world we are so proud of is to the universe of careening globes as is one mosquito to the winged and hoofed flocks and herds that darken the air and populate the plains and forests of all the earth. If you killed the mosquito would it be missed? Verily, What is Man, that he should be considered of God?”

IfsMenWorldShouldBookHelpingFeelingsEarthUniverseHeavenAirProudPagesForestsGlobesInsignificantHerdsFlocksAstronomersMosquitoes
Author:Mark Twain
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“The average man is what his environment and his superstitions have made him; and their function is to make him an ass. He can't add up three or four new circumstances together and perceive what they mean; it is beyond him. He is not capable of observing for himself; he has to get everything at second-hand. If what are miscalled the lower animals were as silly as man is, they would all perish from the earth in a year.”

IfsMenYearsMeanMadeHandsEarthTogetherThreeAnimalEnvironmentFourCircumstancesCapableFunctionAddAverageSillyAssPerceiveSuperstitionsObservingAverage ManSecond Hand
Book:In defense of Harriet Shelley
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“Many of the cemeteries are beautiful, and are kept in perfect order. When one goes from the levee or the business streets [of New Orleans] to it, to a cemetery, he observes to himself that if those people down there would live as neatly while they are alive as they do after they are dead, they would find many advantages in it; and besides, their quarter would be the wonder and admiration of the business world.”

PeopleIfsWorldWould BeBeautifulOrderPerfectWonderAliveStreetsAdvantageAdmirationQuartersNew OrleansCemeteryBusiness WorldLevees
Author:Mark Twain
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“Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil, you will say that she did it with her teeth.”

IfsPerfectCasesOughtEvidenceAspectFaultsTeethWitnessKnivesPencilsCautionCircumstantial Evidence
Author:Mark Twain
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“Heroine: Girl in a book who is saved from drowning by a hero and marries him next week, but if it was to be over again ten years later it is likely she would rather have a life-belt and he would rather have her have it. Hero: Person in a book who does things which he can't and girl marries him for it.”

IfsYearsPersonsDoeBookGirlNextWeekHeroTenSavedBeltsDrowningHeroinesNext Week
Book:Collected Tales, Sketches, Speeches & Essays: 1891-1910
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“If science exterminates a disease which has been working for God, it is God that gets the credit and all the pulpits break into grateful advertising-raptures and call attention to how good he is. Yes, he has done it. Perhaps he waited a thousand years before doing it. They forget to say that he is the slowest mover in the universe, that his Eye That Never Sleeps, might as well, since it takes a century to see what any other eye can see in a week.”

IfsYearsWellsHas BeensDoneMightEyeUniverseSleepForgetAttentionBreakWeekCenturyThousandDiseaseGratefulCreditAdvertisingHis EyesThousand YearsRapturePulpitNever SleepWorking For God
Author:Mark Twain
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“Where was the use, originally, in rushing this whole globe through in six days? It is likely that if more time had been taken in the first place, the world would have been made right, and this ceaseless improving and repairing would not be necessary now. But if you hurry a world or a house, you are nearly sure to find out by and by that you have left out a towhead, or a broom-closet, or some other little convenience, here and there, which has got to be supplied, no matter how much expense or vexation it may cost.”

IfsWorldFirstsMayLittlesHas BeensMadeMatterWholeUseHouseLeftTakenCostSixExpensesMore TimeGlobesImprovingClosetsConvenienceHere And ThereRushingLeft OutBroomsVexationRepairing
Book:Delphi Complete Works of Mark Twain (Illustrated)
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“Always obey your parents. When they are present. This is the best policy in the long run. Because if you don't, they will make you. Most parents think they know better than you do, and you can generally make more by humoring that superstition than you can by acting on your own better judgment.”

IfsThinkingKnowsLongRunningParentActingPolicyJudgmentSuperstitionsLong RunsBetter Than You
Book:Mark Twain’s Helpful Hints for Good Living: A Handbook for the Damned Human Race
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“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.”

IfsInspirationalMindMatterMotivationalAgeFunnyBusinessIssuesAgingOld AgeBirthdayGood LifeOld PeopleGetting OldFunny InspirationalGetting OlderYoung AgeGrowing OldAgeingFunny LifeMy BirthdayHumoristsGrowing OlderWordplayFunny AgingBirthdays And AgingFunny Old Age BirthdayHappy BirthdayYouth And Old AgeAge And YouthAging GracefullyInspirational BirthdayFunny AgeStaying YoungAge Of 40Wise BirthdayFunny BirthdayInspirational AgeOld BirthdayQuotations Birthday Happy BirthdayMilestone BirthdayFunny Happy BirthdayAge And WisdomLost YouthMind And MatterWitty BirthdayHumorous BirthdayFunny Birthday CardFunny Old BirthdayOld Age HumorBest BirthdayFunny Birthday WishesBirthday HumorGrowing Old GracefullyAge WisdomBirthday Wishes FunnyYouth FunnyBirthday GreetingsHilarious Happy BirthdayWise AgeAge LifeAges Is Just A Number
Author:Mark Twain
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“If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.”

IfsLifeCharacterTruthRememberLyingHonestyCommunicationIntegrityCleverBeing HonestDeceptionTelling The TruthDeceitCheatingTruthfulFunny InspirationalLiedMake You ThinkChakraTruth And LiesBeing TruthfulTrustworthinessHonest TruthNever LieTruth And HonestyHonesty IntegrityTruth HonestyDon't LieHonesty And IntegrityUltimate TruthTruth Be ToldMy TruthNo MemoryHonest And IntegrityLies TruthTelling LiesBeing LiedBeirutTrust And RespectProfound TruthSaying The TruthWhite LieI Don't LieLiving A LieHidden TruthLies And LiarsTrust HonestyFinding Out The TruthTrust And HonestyHiding The TruthIntellectual HonestyTruth And RealityHonesty InspirationalYou LiedGood LiarHonest RelationshipTruth And KnowledgeSaying The Same Thing Over And OverDon't Lie To MeUnknown Things
Book:Mark Twain's Own Autobiography: The Chapters from the North American Review
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“Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.”

IfsGodChristianFunnyHeavenReligiousAnimalDogHumorousEntrepreneurFavorsCuteMeritGrievingPetPublishersMy DogPuppyAnimal LoveLecturerHumoristsCanineDog LoverDog TrainingPoodlesPuppy DogPet AnimalsPet DogDog LovePet LossDog RescueGreat DogPoodle DogsPuppies And DogsCute DogGreat PetMan And DogInspirational DogInspirational AnimalDogs And LifeGoing To HeavenAnimal RescueDog LossI Love My DogLove My DogDog GriefPug DogsPuppies And LovePet GriefFaithful DogsDog HeavenHeaven And DogsLost DogPets In HeavenLoving DogLabrador DogsDogs DyingDog FoodSad DogDog DiedBeagles The DogColliesGone To HeavenBeagles
Book:Delphi Complete Works of Mark Twain (Illustrated)
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“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.”

IfsMenHumorFunnyDifferencesInspiringAnimalDogPicksHumorousEntrepreneurAppreciationBetrayalPetBitesPrincipalTailsBe GratefulPublishersThankfulMy DogBeing ThankfulProsperousStarvingPuppyAnimal LoveLecturerHumoristsCanineBitingDog LoverPawsDog TrainingPoodlesPuppy DogPet AnimalsCat And DogPet DogOld DogDog LoveDog RescueGreat DogPoodle DogsCute DogGreat PetMan And DogVeterinarianFunny DogInspirational DogCat DogInspirational AnimalTwo DogsDogs And LifeAnimal RescueI Love My DogFunny PuppyRetrieversPug DogsPuppies And LoveDog HeavenHeaven And DogsPets In HeavenDog Best FriendForever GratefulLoving DogLabrador DogsCompassion Towards AnimalsSpanielsDog MemorialBeagles The DogDog Bite
Author:Mark Twain
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“I said there was nothing so convincing to an Indian as a general massacre. If he could not approve of the massacre, I said the next surest thing for an Indian was soap and education. Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run; because a half-massacred Indian may recover, but if you educate him and wash him, it is bound to finish him some time or other.”

IfsMayLongSaidRunningNextHalfBoundsEducationalIndianEducateLong RunsConvincingSoapMassacres
Author:Mark Twain
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“Unconsciously we all have a standard by which we measure other men, and if we examine closely we find that this standard is a very simple one, and is this: we admire them, we envy them, for great qualities we ourselves lack. Hero worship consists in just that. Our heroes are men who do things which we recognize, with regret, and sometimes with a secret shame, that we cannot do. We find not much in ourselves to admire, we are always privately wanting to be like somebody else. If everybody was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes.”

IfsMenSometimesWould BeSimpleSecretQualityRegretHeroWorshipStandardsShameEnvySatisfiedAdmireHero WorshipGreat Qualities
Author:Mark Twain
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