p-j-orourke Quotes About funny Page 2

“If a journalist shows a facility for praise he's liable to be offered a job in public relations or advertising and the next thing you know he's got a big office, a huge salary and is living in a fine home with a lovely wife and swell kids - another career blown to hell.”

Source: Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer

“Imagine having journalists in your own home and not even covering the furniture with plastic sheets first.”

Firsts Home Funny Imagine Journalism Journalist Plastic Sheets Furniture Covering

Book:Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer

Source: Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer

“Liberals have a quaint and touching faith that truth is on their side and an even quainter faith that journalists are on the side of truth.”

Funny Sides Truth Is Journalism Journalist Touching Quaint

Book:Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer

Source: Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer

“I'm a member of the working press; you'd think I'd know better than to listen to journalists.”

Thinking Knows Funny Members Presses Journalism Journalist

Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus

Source: Thrown Under the Omnibus

“I'm here as a radio journalist but am not even sure which part of a tape recorder takes the pictures.”

Funny Radio Journalism Journalist Tape Recorders

Book:Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer

Source: Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer

“In Washington journalists can afford to live almost as well as people who work for a living.”

People Wells Funny Journalism Journalist

Book:Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government

Source: Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government

“Journalists are notoriously easy to kid. All you have to do is speak to a journalist in a very serious tone of voice, and he will be certain that you are either telling the truth or a big, important lie.”

Important Bigs Kids Funny Lying Certain Speak Easy Voice Serious Journalism Journalist Tone Telling The Truth

Author:P. J. O'Rourke

“Taxi drivers all over the world, by the way, are under Newspaper Guild contract to give easy quotes to foreign correspondents.”

World Way Giving Funny Easy Newspapers Journalism Journalist Drivers Contracts Taxi Guilds

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“There was an austerely dignified award ceremony. By that I mean we had to buy our own drinks - in clear violation of the international journalists'code of truth, fairness and an open bar.”

Mean Funny Clear Drink International Bars Journalism Journalist Code Awards Fairness Ceremony Violation Award Ceremonies

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“Only one way to cover a story like this, and make that a double, bartender, please.”

Way Stories Funny Please Journalism One Way Journalist Bartender

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“I arrived in the middle of a press conference - as boring a thing to sit through if you don't know the language as it is if you do.”

Ifs Knows Funny Language Middle Presses Boring Journalism Journalist Conferences Press Conferences

Book:Holidays in Hell: In Which Our Intrepid Reporter Travels to the World's Worst Places and Asks,

Source: Holidays in Hell: In Which Our Intrepid Reporter Travels to the World's Worst Places and Asks,

“I was told to hand over my disposable lighter, to prevent, I suppose, any threat of "Do what I say or I'll light this Marlboro and you'll all die - in thirty years due to inhalation of secondhand smoke."”

Years Humor Hands Light Funny Dies Food Humorous Threat Dues Smoke Thirty Airline Thirty Years Lighters Disposable Air Travel Secondhand Smoke

Book:Peace Kills

Source: Peace Kills

“Modern air travel means less time spent in transit. That time is now spent in transit lounges.”

Mean Humor Funny Air Modern Food Humorous Airline Time Spent Air Travel

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“America is not a wily, sneaky nation. We don't think that way. We don't think much at all, thank God. Start thinking and pretty soon you get ideas, and then you get idealism, and the next thing you know you've got ideology, with millions dead in concentration camps and gulags.”

Thinking Knows Way Ideas Funny America Next Nations Millions Humorous Ideology Concentration Camps Thank God Idealism Concentration Camp Sneaky Gulags

Author:P. J. O'Rourke

“This country is so urbanized we think low-fat milk comes from cows on Nutri/System weight-loss plans.”

Thinking Country Funny America Loss Plans Lows Humorous Weight Fats Milk Cows Weight Loss

Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus: A Reader

Source: Thrown Under the Omnibus: A Reader

“Each American embassy comes with two permanent features - a giant anti-American demonstration and a giant line for American visas. Most demonstrators spend half their time burning Old Glory and the other half waiting for green cards.”

Two Funny America Waiting Lines Half Glory Humorous Green Cards Burning Permanent Features Giants Demonstration Other Half Visa Embassy Anti-american Green Card Old Glory

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“West Germans are tall, pink, pert and orthodontically corrected, with hands, teeth and hair as clean as their clothes and clothes as sharp as their looks. Except for the fact that they all speak English pretty well, they're indistinguishable from Americans.”

Wells Looks Facts Hands Funny America Speak Hair Clothes Humorous Clean West Teeth Tall Speak English

Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus

Source: Thrown Under the Omnibus

“The Arab peoples possess an ancient and highly developed civilization that is in many ways more sophisticated than our own. For instance, they invented algebra. And this is why we have to go to war with Saddam Hussein this minute and bomb the shish kebab out of him before he invents trig and chemistry and the whole of America flunks high school.”

Way War Whole School Funny America Minutes Civilization Humorous High School Ancient Instance Bombs Chemistry Sophisticated Saddam Hussein Algebra Kebabs

Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus

Source: Thrown Under the Omnibus

“I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with.”

Ifs Thinking Humor Wanted Funny Given Church Behinds Humorous Bigger

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“The Democrats said, "We don't know what's wrong with America, but we can fix it." The Republicans said, "There's nothing wrong with America, and we can fix that."”

Knows Said Humor Funny America Party Republican Humorous Democrat

Book:Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government

Source: Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government

“The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle.”

Humor Funny Party Republican Humorous Democrat Rome Burned Fiddle

Book:Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government

Source: Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government

“France in August when you can travel through the entire country without encountering a single pesky Frenchman or being bothered with anything that's open for business.”

Country Funny Humorous France Bothered August Frenchmen

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“East Germany was so total in its totalitarianism that everything was banned which wasn't compulsory.”

Humor Funny Humorous East Germany Totalitarianism Banned Compulsory East Germany

Book:Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer

Source: Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer

“Germans respond well to lies. At least, they always have historically.”

Wells Humor Funny Lying Humorous Germany

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“The sky was so clear that the starlight cast shadows, and so many sparkles and glitters and glints appeared above us that it looked like something really expensive had been dropped and shattered in heaven - God's Steuben ashtray, maybe.”

God Humor Funny Heaven Clear Sky Humorous Shadow Casts Expensive Shattered Like Something Glitter Sparkle Starlight Ashtrays

Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus

Source: Thrown Under the Omnibus

“Passover is my idea of a perfect holiday. Dear God, when you're handing out plagues of darkness, locusts, hail, boils, flies, lice, frogs, and cattle murrain, and turning the Nile to blood, and smiting firstborn, give me a pass, and tell me when it's over.”

Giving Ideas God Humor Funny Perfect Darkness Blood Humorous Give Me Dear Holiday Plague Frogs Cattle Hail Dear God Nile Lice Handing Over

Book:Peace Kills

Source: Peace Kills

“If the Japanese want to be taken seriously as world financial powers, they'd better quit using the same tailor as variety show chimps.”

Ifs World Want Shows Funny Taken Humorous Financial Quitting Variety Japan Tailors

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“The Russians could have some (warheads) aimed at Japan, so if we act up they can destroy our economy.”

Ifs Funny Economy Humorous Japan

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“I can think of a number of areas in New York where three acres of nuclear waste would make the neighborhood safer to walk around in than it is now, and better lit.”

Thinking I Can Funny Three Walks Numbers New York Waste Humorous Areas Nuclear Neighborhood Lit Acres Nuclear Waste

Book:All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty

Source: All the Trouble in the World: The Lighter Side of Overpopulation, Famine, Ecological Disaster, Ethnic Hatred, Plague, and Poverty

“There are artists with palettes and easels selling the kind of modern art that Soviet art critics used to critique with bulldozers. Judging by the paintings I saw, the Soviets were right the first time.”

Firsts Kind Art Funny Used Artist Saws Modern Painting Judging Humorous First Time Critics Russia Selling Soviet Critique Palette Modern Art Bulldozers Art Critic

Author:P. J. O'Rourke

“I suspect the soviets never did want to use those bombs. The most Stalinist of Soviet hard-liners - Stalin, for example - must have realized a nuclear war would be a hard thing to clean up after.”

Want War Hard Use Would Be Funny Example Humorous Clean Nuclear Russia Bombs Suspects Soviet Hard Things Nuclear War

Book:Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government

Source: Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government

“It was to be a short visit for the G-shevs. More than four days in the U.S. and Raisa's VISA card bill would shatter the fragile Soviet economy.”

Funny Economy Four Humorous Bills Russia Cards Fragile Soviet Visa

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation.”

Humans Funny Rights Humorous Human Rights Campaigns Russia Journalist Violation Booze Kremlin

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“The commies are the only people on earth who think Star Wars will work. If they're that gullible, maybe we should have held the summit at Atlantic City and let them lose all their missiles playing Keno.”

People Ifs Thinking Should War Earth Funny Stars Loses Cities Humorous Should Have Russia Summit Missiles Gullible Atlantic City

Book:Holidays in Hell

Source: Holidays in Hell

“Moscow has changed. I was here in 1982, during the Brezhnev twilight, and things are better now. For instance, they've got litter. In 1982 there was nothing to litter with.”

Funny Changed Humorous Russia Instance Twilight Moscow Better Now Brezhnev

Book:Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer

Source: Give War a Chance: Eyewitness Accounts of Mankind's Struggle Against Tyranny, Injustice, and Alcohol-Free Beer

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