Best humor & funny Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 8

“This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum.”

Made Hard Humor Funny Three Easy Four Tvs Products Shots Finals Available Complicated Stamps Payment Seals Envelopes Denominations Mailman

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.”

Want Real Humor Bigs Funny Machines Sells Being Real Vending Machines

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.”

Want Humor Funny Watches Arms

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".”

Want Doe Humor Seems Funny Jobs Easy Add Kitchen Refrigerators Appliances Toasters Blenders

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.”

Thinking Soul Humor Funny Devil Pickles Sold Out Cucumbers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!”

Wells Humor Funny Taste Diets Drs Screwed Up Peppers Dr Pepper

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.”

Humor Funny Sports Doctors Accidents One Time Herpes

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.”

Should Humor Funny Lines Laughing Smoke Pipe Indicators

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"”

Thinking Knows Problem Humor Funny Guy Audience Laughing Jokes That Guy Distinctive

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"”

Thinking Should Humor Happens Funny Wish Cutting Car Months Presses Things Happen Crap Horns Sidewalk

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!”

Ifs Humor Funny Winning Lucky Cards Winner Lunch Business Card

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.”

Two Humor Kids Funny House Paper Routes Dumpsters

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.”

Looks Humor Funny Next Drink News Saved Boat Next Time Good News Floats Limes Buoyancy Citrus

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no." So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!”

Looks Humor Funny Order Asks House Fans Hair Setting Settings Liars Documents Lied Pins Back And Forth Saying No Lied To Me Pin Up

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.”

Ifs Looks Humor Funny Grows Legs Hey Plus Farms Ants Fellas Snowman Celery

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?"”

Ifs Looks Long Humor Funny Actors Fun Water Saws Feet Amount Balls Having Fun Seconds Pool Maximum Jimmy Goggles

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Why are there no "during" pictures?”

Humor Funny

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.”

Ifs Mind Humor Funny Guy Turns Hot Add Hey Heat Hotel Onions Carrots Tubs Hot Tub

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.”

Knows Stills I Can Humor Funny Used Know How Fire Dad Summer Mark My Dad Bags Texas Flip Aprons

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".”

Knows Mean Shows Humor Funny Term Jokes Add Sugar Cds Show Biz

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.”

Long Humor Funny Hate Wish I Hate Separation Teeth Curvy Flossing

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" When I think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.”

Ifs Thinking Doe Humor Funny Opinion Tomorrow Jokes Stores Bread Capability Ducks Convenience Beavers Let Him Go Tow Tomorrow Brings

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."”

People Knows Two Real Enough Humor Funny Moving Next Asks Easy Answers Numbers Presses Phones Next Time Phone Numbers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.”

Home Humor Funny Smoke Alarms Batteries Volt

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", but then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".”

Ifs Knows Should Humor Funny Together Cutting Arms Type Corn Corn On The Cob

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.”

Made Humor Funny Lasts Night Ice Last Night Sculptors Cubes

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.”

Humor Funny Found Stuff Months Six Machines Cancer Bags Rays Airports

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.”

Ifs Made Different Reason Humor Would Be Earth Funny Disappear Layers Being Cool Crackers Ozone Ozone Layer

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"”

Want Littles Humor Funny Attacking

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"”

Persons Doe Humor Funny Gone Scared Disappear Print Toms Magician Flyers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.”

Needs Humor Wanted Funny Car Available Bus Businessman

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.”

Said I Can Helping Use Humor Funny Walks Managers Help Me Liquor Crutches

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.”

Humor Funny Girlfriend Kitchen My Girlfriend

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.”

Humor Funny Rounds Girlfriend Restaurants Hotel One Time Merry My Girlfriend Merry Go Round Rotating Burritos

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!”

People Knows Way Want Doe Shows Humor Hands Funny Sound Fronts Comfortable Sticks Bunch Drunk Chairs Electric

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.”

Ifs Helping Humor Funny News Ugly Release Bad News

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."”

Said Humor Funny Worry Saws Lakes Hanging Out Say Anything Seagull

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.”

Humor Funny Rooms Fans Fronts

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.”

Humor Eye Funny Term Animal Gambling Snakes

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.”

Wells Humor Funny Three Minutes Bed Yeah Size Blow Stores Ass Kicks Zero Seconds Bedroom Mattresses

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.”

Needs Feels Humor Funny Hours Instant Productive Bowls Oatmeal

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.”

Long Humor Funny Names Girlfriend Spells Now And Then Screws My Girlfriend Screw Ups New Girlfriend Old Girlfriend

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.”

Mean I Can Shows Humor Light Funny Left Minutes Worst Stage Red Method Clubs Frightened Candle Floating Red Lights

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!"”

Thinking Humor Funny Half Saws Six Commitment Sells Pops Mess Cents Packs Soda Six Packs Soda Pop

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."”

Thinking Men Way Should Said Humor Funny Should Have Yeah I Realized Weather Perceive Trippy

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.”

Humor Wanted Funny Jokes Wrists Suitcases Fillers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.”

People Knows Feels Humans Said Humor Funny Human Beings Animal Heavy Singers Tonight Concerts Metals Heavy Metal

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.”

Problem Humor Funny Listening Temptation No Problem

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.”

Humor Funny Hurt Mouths It Hurts Germs

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.”

Ifs Humor Running Funny Opposites Boring Never Change Parades

Author:Mitch Hedberg

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