Best humor & funny Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 17

“Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something! What tricks does this guy have? "I'm in a box...and I ain't gonna eat.". "I'm in a box... and I ain't gonna eat!!" That ain't no trick! That's called living in the projects!”

Doe Humor Funny Guy Fall Half Saws Projects Boxes Entertainment Tricks Desperate Hats This Guy Magician Rabbits

Author:Chris Rock

“Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!”

Humor Funny Remember Young Used Argument Remember When

Author:Chris Rock

“If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! 'This is a rap killing! Let's get outta here!'”

Ifs Home Humor Funny Murder Killing Rap Pockets Get Away Tape Demos

Author:Chris Rock

“You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think?”

Thinking Littles Humor Funny Games Football Basketball Baseball Calm Hey Usa Football Game Baseball Games Calm Down Basketball Game

Author:Chris Rock

“All you crazy white people "I'm American!", all you did was come out of your mother's pussy on American soil. That's it. That's it! What, you think you're better than somebody from France 'cause you came out of a pussy in Detroit?”

People Thinking Humor Funny Mother Causes White Crazy France Soil Detroit Pussy

Author:Chris Rock

“Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"”

Men Humor Funny White Rich Car Checks Wealthy White Man Bling Shaq

Author:Chris Rock

“So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America... but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.”

Ifs Giving Persons Humor Funny America Causes Black Rich Destroyed Making Money Brown Feds Get Rich Being Positive

Author:Chris Rock

“I don't need a president with a bucket list!”

Needs Humor Funny President Lists Buckets Bucket List

Author:Chris Rock

“They're working their way down. Next year, Todd Bridges gets the award. When I was a kid I wanted to be Eddie Murphy and now I'm a rip-off of Eddie Murphy.”

Way Years Humor Kids Wanted Funny Next Bridges Awards Rip Next Year Murphy

Author:Chris Rock

“Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.”

Humor Funny Aspirin

Author:Dave Attell

“Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.”

Humor Funny Guy Fun Morning Laughing Bed Girlfriend Monkeys Catching Other Guys Kicking Calories Your Girlfriend Midget

Author:Dave Attell

“You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.”

Ifs Use Humor Care Funny Asks Break Conversation Machines Bathroom Nobody Cares

Author:Dave Attell

“There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.”

Giving Looks Humor Funny Lines Fine Window Ems Illegal Hints Fine Lines

Author:Dave Attell

“Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!”

Humor Funny Crazy Sheets Bracelet

Author:Dave Attell

“My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.”

Humor Funny Baby Couple Cousin Bucks My Cousin

Author:Dave Attell

“I used to do drugs, but that was way back there.”

Way Humor Funny Used Drug

Author:Dave Attell

“I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.”

Different Stories Humor Funny Reading My Own Gay Sitting Magazines Stations Bus Magician Own Business Minding My Own Business

Author:Dave Attell

“So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.”

Way Humor Funny Style Drunk

Author:Dave Attell

“I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.”

Thinking Knows Humor Funny Three Causes Voice Talking Gay Sorry Ass Do You Know One Time I'm Sorry Three Times Sandwiches Dave Being Gay Homophobic Cucumbers Voices In My Head

Author:Dave Attell

“Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.”

“You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.”

Knows Two Humor Funny Mother Fun Talking

Author:Dave Attell

“You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.”

Knows Men Should Ends Humor Funny Drink Pants Bail Jack Daniels Wild Man

Author:Dave Attell

“You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."”

Wells Stories Humor Funny Guy Land Mines Arms Legs Snow Teeth Bottles Whiskey Taffy

Author:Dave Attell

“When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.”

Firsts Humor Funny Saws Ran Rhinos

Author:Dave Attell

“Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.”

I Can Humor Funny Fantasy Mines Kicks Throat Jessica

Author:Dave Attell

“If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.”

Ifs Firsts Looks Littles Humor Funny Jesus Baby Reactions Pants Porsche Baby Jesus

Author:Dave Attell

“Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?”

Humor Funny Stupid Shooting

Author:Dave Attell

“I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.”

Thinking Way Trying Humor Funny Jokes

Author:David Cross

“I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational.”

Problem Humor Funny Gay Rational Gay Marriage

Author:David Cross

“If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.”

Ifs Humor Funny Flight Magazines Things To Do Plums

Author:David Cross

“What President of the Airline is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate?”

Ifs Giving Two Humor Kids Funny Reading Next President Giving Up Concerned Empty Sick Miles Seats Gates Pens Airline Flyers Empty Seats Sick Kids

Author:David Cross

“We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.”

Humor Funny Preacher January Fundamentalist Armageddon January 1st

Author:David Cross

“High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know.”

Knows Mean Children Humor Funny Magazines Highlights Notches Time Magazine

Author:David Cross

“I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.”

People Ideas Humor Funny Offers Pork Business Ideas Kosher

Author:David Cross

“Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.”

Knows Humor Eye Funny Speak Forget Pants Speak English

Author:David Cross

“[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.”

Humor Funny Together Grows Watches Limits Yeah Warm Blanket Telescopes Comets Time Limit Halley's Comet

Author:David Cross

“James Lipton: The most pompous arrogant failure in history.”

Humor Funny Arrogant Pompous

Author:David Cross

“In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"”

World Looks Humor Funny Beautiful Guy Decision Minutes New York Twenties Urgent Beautiful Women Craziest Most Beautiful Woman In The World

Author:David Cross

“The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.”

Country Humor Funny Amount South Irony Shirts Regions T Shirt

Author:David Cross

“I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are.”

Humans War Humor Funny Human Beings White Party Support Wonderful Republican Members Rational Inclusion Troops

Author:David Cross

“So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.”

Thinking Humor Kids Funny My Friends Rude

Author:David Cross

“All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.”

Trying Hard Humor Kids Funny Talking My Friends Thirds Yeah Girlfriend Abortion Your Girlfriend Finesse Consecutive

Author:David Cross

“I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.”

Men Believe Said Whole Humor Funny Dog Jokes Tests Series Don't Believe Bunch Tonight Smarter

Author:David Cross

“Then I will tape the sets and even though I`m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.”

Trying Sometimes Humor Funny Together Successful Cutting Jokes Fats Tape

Author:David Cross

“I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.”

Helping Use Humor Funny Hurt Secret Laughing Santa Santa Claus Swallowing

Author:David Cross

“I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'”

Humor Funny Used Stuff Sleep Perfect Pockets Ems Planners Pajamas

Author:Demetri Martin

“If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.”

Ifs Want Humor Funny Animal Creatures Horse Wings Add Lions Hawks Mythical Creatures Pegasus

Author:Demetri Martin

“I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."”

Knows Should I Can Two Humor Funny Together Stuff Loses Break Forever Cutting Rocks Fine Paper Thirds Destroyed Damage Take Me Bent Break Through Back Together Dynamite Scissors

Author:Demetri Martin

“I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".”

People Humor Funny Heard Chocolate Epidemics

Author:Demetri Martin

“It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.”

Way Humor Funny Sound Okay Fingers Puppets Nouns

Author:Demetri Martin

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