Best humor & funny Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 18

“I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.”

People Humor Light Funny Groups Position Gay Shirts Rainbow Greedy Supportive

Author:Demetri Martin

“A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'”

Humor Funny Saws Week Streets Couple Ugly Pregnant

Author:Demetri Martin

“The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.”

Ifs Humor Funny Forever Prepared Crafts Be Prepared Supplies Glitter Herpes

Author:Demetri Martin

“Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"”

Book Done Humor Funny Next Stores Autobiography Sections Flip

Author:Demetri Martin

“When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!”

Done Humor Funny Animal Eating Lazy Ants

Author:Demetri Martin

“When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.”

Men Way Done Humor Funny Names Hell Damn Embarrassing Slow Down Skip Vitamins

Author:Demetri Martin

“I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."”

Said Humor Funny Guy Saws Doors News Percent Hundred Good News Exit Underestimated

Author:Demetri Martin

“I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".”

Firsts Said Humor Funny Dictionary

Author:Demetri Martin

“When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.”

Ifs Want Should Matter Humor Funny Asks Causes Touched Touch Me Yes Or No Diarrhea Ticklish

Author:Demetri Martin

“I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'”

People Ifs Firsts Looks Humor Funny Hate Seeing Like You Succeed I Hate Motto

Author:Demetri Martin

“I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.”

Men Said Humor Funny Behinds Car Objects Couple Argument Mirrors Mad Stuck Horrible Traffic Stuck In Traffic

Author:Demetri Martin

“One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'”

Doe Humor Funny Opposites My Favorite Patterns Woods Hey Clothings Camouflage

Author:Demetri Martin

“Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.”

Humor Funny Camping Waterfalls

Author:Demetri Martin

“My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.”

Want Humor Funny Car My Friends Judgemental Dork

Author:Demetri Martin

“I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.”

Humor Funny Listening Drummer Just Listen Erratic

Author:Demetri Martin

“Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.”

People Humor Today Funny Shots Peter Starbucks Announcements

Author:Denis Leary

“Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: "I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing."”

Feels Looks Important Self Humor Funny Guy Lost Months Discipline Important Things Seven Fats Feel Good Pounds Coming Out Self Discipline Hostage Lebanon I Feel Good Seven Months

Author:Denis Leary

“Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold."”

Thinking Said Humor Funny Cold Aspirin

Author:Denis Leary

“I just think it's difficult for them to see the forest for the trees right now, which I can't blame them for, given the circumstances they found themselves in.”

Thinking I Can Humor Funny Found Given Difficult Tree Circumstances Right Now Blame Forests

Author:Denis Leary

“It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever.”

Way Trying Humor Funny Guy Deals Effects Drinking Snowball Snowball Effect

Author:Denis Leary

“The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.”

Humor Funny Heroin Filters

Author:Denis Leary

“I'm sick and tired of our generation being called the TV generation. What do you expect? We watched Lee Harvey Oswald get his brains blown out all over. How could we change the channel after that?”

Humor Funny Brain Generations Tvs Sick Tired Our Generation Harvey

Author:Denis Leary

“You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.”

Knows Humor Funny Hate Croissants

Author:Denis Leary

“I tried eating vegetarian. I felt like a wimp going into a restaurant. "What do you want to eat sir? Broccoli?" Broccoli's a side dish, folks. Always was, always will be, OK! When they ask me what I want, I say: What do you think I want? This is America. I want a bowl of raw red meat right now.”

Thinking Want Humor Funny America Asks Felt Sides Right Now Eating Red Folks Ask Me Meat Restaurants Vegetarian Bowls Dishes Broccoli Red Meat Wimps Side Dishes

Author:Denis Leary

“I take music pretty seriously. You see that scar on my wrist? You see that? You know where that's from? I heard the Bee Gees were getting back together again. I couldn't take it, OK!”

Knows Humor Funny Together Heard Scar Bees Wrists Back Together Together Again Back Together Again Getting Back Together Bee Gees

Author:Denis Leary

“Heavy Metal fans are buying Heavy Metal records, taking the records home, listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with shotguns? Where's the problem? That's an unemployment solution right there, folks! It's called natural selection.”

Problem Home Humor Funny Natural Records Fans Listening Solutions Folks Heavy Buying Metals Unemployment Selection Natural Selection Heavy Metal Shotguns Metal Fans

Author:Denis Leary

“That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he'd be walking around Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black side burns going, Damn, I'm the son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now.”

Ifs Giving Humor Bigs Funny Jesus Sides Black Son Walking Right Now Give Me Died Glad Fats Beer Damn Guts Jerusalem Fries French Fries Cheeseburger

Author:Denis Leary

“This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up and asbestos shooting into the sky.”

World Way Humor Funny Dies Race Cities Sky New York Exciting Yeah Shooting New York City Construction Crash Riot Places In The World Subway Sidewalk Cranes Blowing Up Asbestos Race Riots

Author:Denis Leary

“Yeah, I love living in New York, man, and people who live in New York, we wear that fact like a badge right on our sleeve because we know that fact impresses everybody! I was in Vietnam. So what? I live in New York!”

People Knows Men Facts Humor Funny New York Yeah Vietnam Impress Sleeves Badges

Author:Denis Leary

“Most people think, "Life sucks, and then you die." I disagree. I think life sucks. Then you get cancer. Then you go into chemotherapy. You lose all your hair, you feel bad about yourself. Then all of the sudden the cancer goes into remission, and then all of the sudden you have a stroke. You can't move your right side. And then, maybe, you die.”

People Thinking Feels Humor Funny Moving Dies Sides Loses Hair Cancer About Yourself Disagree Strokes Chemotherapy Remission Life Sucks

Author:Denis Leary

“"Yeah, well, if you eat red meat, it stays in your colon for fifteen years!" Good! I paid for it; I want it in my ass, okay? I want them to find a meat sweater from my esophagus to my asshole when they open me up in the end! "This guy's covered in meat! He's Meat-Man! He's Meat-Tracheotomy-Man!"”

Ifs Men Want Years Wells Ends Humor Funny Guy Red Okay Paid Yeah Ass Meat Covered Fifteen This Guy Sweaters Fifteen Years Red Meat

Author:Denis Leary

“Don't buy the toys that make the noise!”

Humor Funny Noise Toys

Author:Denis Leary

“I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.”

People Ifs Sometimes Humor Funny Enjoy Wonder Quiet Dead People

Author:Doug Stanhope

“I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?”

Ifs Wells I Can Humor Funny Lakes What If Swim Crash

Author:Dylan Moran

“I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder.”

Humor Funny Fighter

Author:Dylan Moran

“Don't clap I'm not a jazz band for Christ's sake.”

Humor Funny Christ Band Jazz Sake Jazz Band

Author:Dylan Moran

“He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.”

Philosophy Humor School Funny Glasses Chairs Shifting Whisky

Author:Dylan Moran

“One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing.”

Book Humor Funny Black One Thing Grumpy Black Books

Author:Dylan Moran

“I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.”

Knows Humans Littles Helping Humor Funny Bits Rich Spread Fats Irresistible Grenade Orchids

Author:Dylan Moran

“I do pauses, pauses work for me”

Humor Funny Pauses

Author:Dylan Moran

“We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.”

Ifs Knows Humor Funny Quitting Smoking Someday

Author:Dylan Moran

“I wish I was like you! You know startled by direct sunlight.”

Knows Humor Funny Wish Like You Direct Sunlight

Author:Dylan Moran

“Organic? I grew up on Angel Delight. We didn't have anything in the house if it wasn't neon!”

Ifs Humor Funny House Grew Grew Up Angel Delight Neon

Author:Dylan Moran

“Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up!”

Humor Funny Cooking Cheese

Author:Dylan Moran

“Kids, they are always hurting themselves. It's like, "Quick, get me to casualty quick!" while your doing something important like sitting down picking your ear.”

Important Humor Kids Funny Hurt Sitting Ears Sitting Down Casualties

Author:Dylan Moran

“Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that...shite.”

Humor Bigs Funny Stuff Wow Opera

Author:Dylan Moran

“Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.”

Ifs Humor Funny Three Thirds Mathematics Experts Attacking Arses

Author:Dylan Moran

“Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.”

Trying Looks Humor Funny Faces Bowls

Author:Dylan Moran

“You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.”

Knows Humor Funny Idiot Beard Black Books

Author:Dylan Moran

“I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.”

Thinking Should Humor Funny Yeah Rainbow Nails Beard Fling Frisbee

Author:Dylan Moran

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