Quotessence
Home / Topics / Funny Quotes Quotes

Funny Quotes Quotes

Browse 507 quotes about Funny Quotes.

Funny Quotes Quotes

“The world’s most lethal venom is not found on the tongues of serpents, but on the tongues of a disgruntled wife.”

Life QuotesLove QuotesRelationship QuotesLife Quotes And SayingsLove Quotes And SayingsMatshona Dhliwayo QuotesLife Lessons QuotesLife QuotationsLife Lesson QuotesLove QuoteLife QuoteMarriage QuotesLove QuotationsFunny QuotesLife Quotes Inspirational QuotesWrathLife Lessons QuotationsLove Quotes And SayingLove Quotes For EverybodyRelationship Advice QuotesWife QuotesHusband QuotesAnger QuotesLove Quotes LoveHumor QuotesRelationship Advice For MenFunny QuoteFunny QuotationsHumor QuoteHumor QuotationsRage QuotesAngry QuotesMarital AdviceMarital ProblemsMarry QuotesSpouse Quotes
Author:Matshona Dhliwayo
Create image

“She stared into his eyes and announced, “A good-bye kiss.” It was at that Raid stopped dead. “What?” “Raiden, the gig is up,” she declared, and Raid closed his eyes. Jesus, how could the woman be so infuriating and so fucking cute all at once? He opened his eyes and asked, “The gig is up?” She leaned into him and hissed, “Yes.” Fuck, he wanted to kiss her. He also wanted to shake her. “Baby, it’s jig,” he corrected, and her head jerked, which made that mess of hair on her head jerk, which reminded him he wanted his hands in that hair. Then elsewhere. He needed to speed this shit up. “Sorry?” she asked, sounding confused, and he looked from her hair to her eyes and saw she was, in fact, confused. Yeah. Infuriating. And fucking cute. “The jig is up, not the gig,” he told her. Her eyes narrowed. “Seriously? You’re correcting my street lingo?” “Think that street lingo was the street lingo about eight decades ago, Hanna. So now it’s just lingo.”

HumorFunny QuotesFunny As HellLanguage UnderstandingGigJig
Book:Raid
Create image

“I kinda like being sick. A very strong fever. It’s the perfect condition. You get to have someone take care of you. You feel cold all day, so you snuggle up in a blanket and shiver and sweat. Warm music. The only thing you can think about is how weak your body is, so you get to forget about the rest of the world for a couple days. And my body can finally know how my brain feels like every day. Nothing matters, except how terrible your pain is. It’s like a meditation. An alignment. Then to top it all off, there’s the hope and assurance you’ll get better soon.”

MeditationBoredomSicknessFunny QuotesFeverThe Goodbye SongBeing SickGetting BetterStaying At HomeSecret Pleasure
Book:The Goodbye Song
Create image

“I don't understand this irony - valuable things like cars, gold, diamond are made up of hard materials but most valuable things like money, contracts and books are made up of soft paper.”

InspirationalHumansBookPhilosophyWisdomInspirationMotivationalFunnyInspirational QuotesMotivationReadingFunMotivational QuotesMoneyKnowledgeBooksWisdom QuotesPaperSolutionsHumanGoldExperienceLibraryWittyValuableNobleWitIronyContractsIronicProblemsReading BooksDiamondHobbiesFunny QuotesAmit KalantriAmit Kalantri QuotesBook ReadingCarsLibrary BooksWitty QuotesMaterialHobbyResumeCvCurriculum VitaeHobby Of ReadingNoblest
Author:Amit Kalantri
Create image

“Reading is the noblest of all the hobbies, that is why people mention it so frequently in their resume even if they don't read much.”

InspirationalHumansBookPhilosophyWisdomInspirationMotivationalFunnyInspirational QuotesMotivationReadingFunMotivational QuotesKnowledgeBooksWisdom QuotesSolutionsHumanExperienceLibraryWittyNobleWitProblemsReading BooksHobbiesFunny QuotesAmit KalantriAmit Kalantri QuotesBook ReadingLibrary BooksWitty QuotesHobbyResumeCvCurriculum VitaeHobby Of ReadingNoblest
Author:Amit Kalantri
Create image

“Are you mad?” Briar gasped. “I’m not going to marry either of you!” She shook her head frantically. “I have no plans to marry in the immediate future. I most certainly will not limit my prospects to… to… Well, I’m sorry Percy, but…” “Me?” Percy retorted. He pointed across the carriage. “What about him? He’s a gardener! You can’t tell me you prefer him to me.” “Neither of us are ideal suitors,” Wren said firmly. “I am sure on that Percy and I can agree.” “Well, I certainly—” Percy began, only to be silenced by a glare from Wren. He pursed his lips. “But yer prospects, I’m afraid, Lady Briar, are limited to the men in this carriage. Or I suppose ye could extend yer field of choice to the men riding with us. Though some are sure to be married already. Angus, for one.” “Angus!” Briar exclaimed. “I have no wish to marry Mr. Macleod, thank you very much. Not that he isn’t a good man in his way, I’m sure,” she added hastily. “Oh, yes,” Percy said dryly. “He has only kidnapped you and Mr. Spencer here, then gone back on his word to me. He’s sure to make you a wonderful husband.” “Shut up, Percy,” Briar snapped. “I am not taking a husband.” “Ye shall, and ye must,” Wren said tersely. “It’s no’ a matter of wanting or no’ wanting. Ye’ve been placed in a terrible position, Lady Briar. What would yer brother say?” “He’d likely just shoot first and talk later,” Briar said sweetly. “And in this case, I might not blame him. I have reached the point in our journey where I should like nothing more than to be taken back home. Preferably immediately.”

Funny QuotesHistorical RomanceRegency RomanceForced ProximityHighlander RomanceRegency Historical RomanceMarriage Of ConvenienceComical Dialogue
Book:Lady Briar Weds the Scot
Create image

“Be calm when your wife yells at you, calmer when she chastens you, but be terrified when she ignores you.”

Life QuotesLove QuotesRelationship QuotesLife Quotes And SayingsLove Quotes And SayingsLife Lessons QuotesLife QuotationsLife Lesson QuotesLove QuoteLife QuoteMarriage QuotesLove QuotationsFunny QuotesLife Lessons QuotationsHumorous QuotesLovers QuotesLove Quotes And SayingLife Lessons QuoteLove Quotes For EverybodyRelationship Advice QuotesWife QuotesLove Quotes LoveFalling In Love QuotesHumor QuotesBoyfriend And GirlfriendBoyfriend QuotesHumorous QuotationsRelationship Advice For MenFunny QuoteCalm QuotesHumorous QuoteFunny QuotationsHumor QuoteHumor QuotationsMarital AdviceMarital ProblemsHumorous QuotationSpouse QuotesIgnore QuotesMarital IssuesChastise
Author:Matshona Dhliwayo
Create image

“Do not believe in a god who is as silly, and meaner than you. For, that would surely be your higher-self, and your stupid alter-ego.”

PhilosophyGodLife LessonsLife QuotesGood And EvilSpiritual WisdomTruth QuotesSpirituality QuotesFunny QuotesLearning QuotesEducational QuotesSelf Realization QuotesFunny But TrueFunny HumorSpirituality Vs ReligionWellness QuotesWellness GuruMetaphysical Truth RealityLifestyle QuotesMetaphysical QuotesHumour LifeThinking With A Great MindPhilosophical HumorGod Realization
Author:Fakeer Ishavardas
Create image

“I enjoy self-publishing & sending publishers rejection letters. They're like, 'Who is this guy?' And I'm like, 'the end of your industry.”

WritingFunnyEntrepreneurEntrepreneurshipAuthorFunny QuotesWriteHumorous QuotesAuthorsAmazonStartupStartupsFragmentedHumor QuotesDemocratizationPublishing IndustrySelf PublishingCopyDecentralizationCreatespaceHumor QuoteRejection LettersIndie PublishingIndie WriterSelf PublisherIndustry DeclineRejection LetterLightningsourceMaturing IndustryPrint On Demand
Book:Write like no one is reading
Create image

“It's probably not easy for a woman to understand what it's like to be a man. Imagine you're starving, and someone puts a huge buffet in front of you. There's delicious, mouth-watering food all around you, and it's really really hard not to eat it all. That's what it's like to be a man around attractive women. The urge to want to hump everything that moves is part of a man's natural programming. It's a deep-seated hunger. To suppress that hunger takes civilization and a lot of willpower.”

SexRelationshipsCivilizationRelationship QuotesSexualityFunny QuotesRelationship AdviceFunny But TrueSexual DesireSexuality QuotesBuffetPrimitive MenSexual HungerFunny But
Book:Why Men And Women Can't Be Friends
Create image

“Sometimes people decide not to like me for the most arbitrary reasons. Sometimes it's just because I'm famous, and successful people make them uncomfortable. Sometimes it's because I voted differently than them. And sometimes it's because I frowned outside their favorite yogurt shop and now they want to cancel me forever because they think I'm against yogurt.”

Funny QuotesCancel CultureRomance Novel QuotesWhen In RomeBeing Famous Quotes
Book:When in Rome
Create image

“First time fucking driving and I fucking crash,” I muttered. "Good thing is, it’s a minor dent,” piped the helpful back seat, “Mum probably won’t even notice it, her eyes as they are and all.” “Thanks man. Makes me feel good about myself, taking advantage of your blind mom.”

FunnyDrivingFunny QuotesFunny HumorCarsFunny And RandomThe Community
Book:The Community: A Funny and Disturbing Conspiracy Mystery Novel
Create image

“I was so caught up in my thoughts I did not notice the wire till I got caught up in it. Right. Of course. Tomato patch. Those poor fruits. Or vegetables. Those poor fruitables. Those poor veguits. I have too much time on my hands.”

FunnyFruitVegetablesFunny QuotesFunny And RandomFruits And VegetablesThe CommunityFruit QuotesTomato
Book:The Community: A Funny and Disturbing Conspiracy Mystery Novel
Create image