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Funny Quotes

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Funny Quotes

“Japan suffered terribly from the atomic bomb but never adopted a pose of moral superiority, implying: 'We would never have done it!' The Japanese know perfectly well they would have used it had they had it. They accept the idea that war is war; they give no quarter and accept none. Total war, they recognize, knows no Queensberry Rules. If you develop a devastating new weapon during a total war, you use it; you do not put it into the War Museum.”

Source: The land of the rising yen: Japan

“The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.”

“What is the use of straining after an amiable view of things, when a cynical view is most likely to be the true one?.”

Use Funny Views Sarcasm Sarcastic Cynical Cynicism Cynic Amiable True Ones

Book:The Collected Works of George Bernard Shaw: Plays, Novels, Articles, Lectures, Letters and Essays: Pygmalion, Mrs. Warren’s Profession, Candida, Arms and The Man, Man and Superman, Caesar and Cleopatra, Androcles And The Lion, The New York Times Articles on War, Memories of Oscar Wilde and more

Source: The Collected Works of George Bernard Shaw: Plays, Novels, Articles, Lectures, Letters and Essays: Pygmalion, Mrs. Warren’s Profession, Candida, Arms and The Man, Man and Superman, Caesar and Cleopatra, Androcles And The Lion, The New York Times Articles on War, Memories of Oscar Wilde and more

“I think "immoral" is probably the wrong word to use...I prefer the word "unethical."”

Thinking Use Funny Stupid Immoral Unethical Wrong Words

Author:Ivan Boesky

“Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so irritating.”

Ifs Helping Use Would Be Funny Success Fun Business Rich Internet Offers Exciting Debt Help Me Mail Get Rich Being Funny Spam Get Rich Quick

Author:Bill Gates

“Counting in octal is just likst counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs.”

Ifs Use Funny Science Technology Counting Thumbs Decimals

Author:Tom Lehrer

“The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.”

Ifs Wells Country Use Funny Winning Gold Cash Olympics Medal Gold Medals European Countries London Olympics

Author:David Letterman

“We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’”

Knows Way Looks Two Use Humor Funny Be Good Satisfied Breakfast Sandwiches Ham Hamburgers Burgers Donuts Buns

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“Roosevelt could always keep ahead with his work, but I cannot do it, and I know it is a grievous fault, but it is too late to remedy it. The country must take me as it found me. Wasn't it your mother who had a servant girl who said it was no use for her to try to hurry, that she was a "Sunday chil" and no "Sunday chil" could hurry? I don't think I am a Sunday child, but I ought to have been; then I would have had an excuse for always being late.”

Thinking Knows Trying Children Has Beens Said Country Use Funny Mother Girl Found Ought Late Faults Excuse Servant Too Late Sunday Take Me Remedy

Author:William Howard Taft

“Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.”

Thinking Mean Use Humor Funny Moving Dating Paint Phrases Funny Dating

Author:Adam Ferrara

“I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.”

Knows Trying Use Humor Light Funny Used Night Turns Water Nice Middle Dating Get Up Bathroom Turn-on Middle Of The Night Funny Dating

Author:Adam Ferrara

“People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"”

People Long Use Humor Funny Mother Guy Found Wish Hair Drug Daughter Longing Excited Extremes Stranger Smell Cake Associates That Guy Long Hair Flour Drug Use

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.”

Said I Can Helping Use Humor Funny Walks Managers Help Me Liquor Crutches

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!", you say, "No, it ain't." If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.”

Ifs Thinking Needs Should Use Humor Funny Next Fronts Spells Next Time

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"”

Ifs Thinking Want Needs Looks Use Humor Funny Walks Acting Safe Yeah Hey Shirts Shops Documents Spy Surveillance Spray Fishy

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting." Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? "Hello? Hold on, man, I'm only on 'Enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good, I can see why they hired you!"”

Knows Men Want I Can Use Humor Funny Enjoy Numbers Company Calling Letters Phones Brands Hello Brand New Did You Know Phone Numbers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.”

Knows Trying Stills Use Humor Wanted Funny Turns Stuff Enjoy Dad Letters My Dad Quitting Harsh Operators Steamboats

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like to use big words so people will think I know what I'm talking about.”

People Thinking Knows Use Humor Bigs Funny Talking Baseball

Author:Jerry Coleman

“I see no reason to suppose these machines will ever force themselves into general use.”

Reason Use Funny Science Force Technology Machines No Reason

Author:Duke of Wellington

“If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?”

Ifs Men Use Humor Funny Found Winning Situation Photograph Speed Setting Settings Prize Drowning Shutters Prize Winning

Author:Paul Harvey

“When you're in @#*!#-ing hell, your forehead can feel a wee bit feverish. (By the way, that's the way my wife actually curses. She doesn't use dirty words; she'll literally say "asterisk, pound sign, exclamation point, the-letter-'A'-with-a-circle-around-it, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk.")”

Way Feels Use Funny Bits Hell Wife Letters My Wife Circles Dirty Curse Pounds Foreheads Swearing Exclamation Dirty Words Exclamation Points

Author:Paul Reiser

“You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.”

Ifs Use Humor Care Funny Asks Break Conversation Machines Bathroom Nobody Cares

Author:Dave Attell

“I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.”

Helping Use Humor Funny Hurt Secret Laughing Santa Santa Claus Swallowing

Author:David Cross

“We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means.”

“The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.”

Men Reason Use Humor Funny Ugly Old Man Old Woman Viagra

Author:Jimmy Carr

“My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.”

Ifs Use Humor Funny Pieces Edges Mates Files

Author:Frank Carson

“I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.”

Use Humor Funny Girl Sex Prison Ugly Cures Offenders Sex Offenders

Author:Rodney Dangerfield