Best funny & sometimes Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.”

Made Sometimes Humor Funny Night Fall Clothes Blanket

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'”

Should Looks Children Sometimes Humor Funny Politics Should Have Aging My Children Virgins

Author:Lillian Gordy Carter

“Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.”

Looks Sometimes Feelings Eye Funny Driving His Eyes Sarcastic

Author:David Letterman

“Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.”

People Sometimes Funny Faces Five Deserve Chairs Funny People Cool Status

Author:Will Rogers

“Sometimes you just gotta let sh-t go and say 'to hell with it' and move on.”

Sometimes Funny Moving Hell

Author:Eminem

“I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like “shut up, shut up, shut upblah blah blah blah blaaaaah.”

People Thinking Mind Sometimes Humor Funny Talking Too Much Shut Up Blah

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“Sometimes people get mad at The Simpsons' subversive story telling, but there's another message in there, which is a celebration of making wild, funny stories.”

People Sometimes Stories Funny Messages Mad Celebration Subversive Funny Story

Author:Matt Groening

“He appeared to enjoy beyond everything the sound of his own voice. I couldn't wonder at that, for it was mellow and full and gave great importance to every word he uttered. He listened to himself with obvious satisfaction and sometimes gently beat time to his own music with his head or rounded a sentence with his hand.”

Sometimes Hands Funny Enjoy Sound Voice Wonder Beats Humorous Importance Satisfaction Obvious Sentences Mellow

Book:Bleak House

Source: Bleak House

“I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?”

Ifs Knows Want Sometimes Done Humor Funny Forever Conventional Potatoes Ovens Microwaves Baked Potatoes

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!”

People Knows Sometimes Humor Kids School Funny Choices Car Yeah Driving Drunk Cop Drunk Driving

Author:Dave Attell

“Maturity does not always come with age; sometimes age comes alone.”

Doe Sometimes Wisdom Motivational Age Funny Maturity

Book:Everyone Communicates, Few Connect: What the Most Effective People Do Differently

Source: Everyone Communicates, Few Connect: What the Most Effective People Do Differently

“It is not funny that a man should be killed, but it is sometimes funny that he should be killed for so little, and that his death should be the coin of what we call civilization.”

Men Should Littles Sometimes Funny Civilization Coins

Book:The Simple Art of Murder

Source: The Simple Art of Murder

“I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.”

People Sometimes Funny Names Wish Brain Comedy Smart Intelligence Witty Call Me Compliment Hilarious Being Smart Spelling Brian Wordplay Smartness Name Calling Funny Clever

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.”

Needs Sometimes Humor Funny Car Hot

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."”

Ifs Thinking Needs Two Sometimes Problem Humor Funny Night Hours Middle Cold Wake Up Yeah Covered Sweat No Problem Middle Of The Night

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.”

Sometimes Shows Humor Eye Funny Enjoy Audience Eyelids

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll drive for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. What kind of emergency is this? I need to not stop now. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.”

Knows Needs Kind Sometimes Humor Funny Car Ten Smell Miles Emergencies Brake Levers Car Rental

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.”

Sometimes Humor Funny Lonely Throwing Get Real Frisbee

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Members rise from CMG (known sometimes in Whitehall as 'Call Me God') to KCMG ('Kindly Call Me God') to .. the GCMG ('God Calls Me God').”

Sometimes Humor Funny Known Members Call Me

Author:Anthony Sampson

“The issue we are reluctant to talk about is even more sensitive than condoms. The issue - and I will try to be tasteful here - is that sometimes it seems like maybe the president of the United States is kind of dumb. If you get what I mean. What I mean is, I am not totally confident that the president would get what I mean, unless several aides explained it to him. And even then, he might forget.”

Ifs Trying Kind Mean Sometimes States Seems Might Funny President Forget United United States Issues Dumb Sensitive Reluctant Condom Reaganomics

Author:Dave Barry

“Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the pinnacle of that tack.”

Sometimes Humor Funny Routes Pinnacle Caverns

Author:Billy Connolly

“Then I will tape the sets and even though I`m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.”

Trying Sometimes Humor Funny Together Successful Cutting Jokes Fats Tape

Author:David Cross

“I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.”

People Ifs Sometimes Humor Funny Enjoy Wonder Quiet Dead People

Author:Doug Stanhope

“Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.”

Thinking Sometimes Whole Humor Funny Wonder Whole Life Graves Buried Grandfather Equipment My Grandfather Sometimes I Wonder Kebabs

Author:Milton Jones

“Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."”

Persons Sometimes Humor Running Funny Night Hours Trouble Late Busy Smell Smoke Lazy Weekend Showers Monday Friday Friday Night Being Lazy 48 Hours Running Late

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.”

Said Sometimes Humor Kids Funny Dad Raises Moved Dollars My Dad Spokes My Sister

Author:Adam Carolla

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