Best funny & hands Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand.”

“I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.”

Doe Stills Humor Hands Funny Easy Behinds Military Equal Army Legs Ease Relax Parting Bros Uptight Behind My Back

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“President Bush gave a rousing speech to the United Nations General Assembly. Afterward, in a touching show of support, every foreign dignitary shook hands with the president and smiled warmly as he mispronounced their names.”

Shows Humor Hands Funny Names Nations President United Support Speech Touching United Nations President Bush Assembly General Assembly

Author:Tina Fey

“People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.”

People Ifs Way Said Humor Hands Would Be Funny Night Guy Praying Gun Knees Every Night Ufo Alabama Shotguns Abduction

Author:Bill Hicks

“That's the trouble with directors. Always biting the hand that lays the golden egg.”

Hands Funny Trouble Gratitude Directors Lays Witty Golden Eggs Being Thankful Ingratitude Biting Golden Eggs

Author:Samuel Goldwyn

“Well what's funny is, again, people say they believed what was going on, but again, Bob's hands are about three times bigger than his feet. So these are very caricatured.”

People Wells Hands Funny Three Feet Bigger Bob Three Times

Author:Brad Bird

“How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.”

Believe Hands Funny Raises Funny One Liner

Author:Mark Twain

“Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.”

Hands Funny Winning Pay Gold Debt Chinese Olympics Trails Medal Gold Medals London Olympics

Author:Stephen Colbert

“On summer evenings, when every flower, and tree, and bird, might have better addressed my soft young heart, I have in my day been caught in the palm of a female hand by the crown, have been violently scrubbed from the neck to the roots of the hair as a purification for the Temple, and have then been carried off highly charged with saponaceous electricity, to be steamed like a potato in the unventilated breath of the powerful Boanerges Boiler and his congregation, until what small mind I had, was quite steamed out of me”

Source: Novels

“Then, at the end of every hand, Miss Bolo would inquire with a dismal countenance and reproachful sigh, why Mr. Pickwick had not returned that diamond, or led the club, or roughed the spade, or finessed the heart, or led through the honour, or brought out the ace, or played up to the king, or some such thing; and in reply to all these grave charges, Mr. Pickwick would be wholly unable to plead any justification whatever, having by this time forgotten all about the game.”

Heart Ends Hands Would Be Funny Games Missing Kings Humorous Forgotten Clubs Graves Honour Diamond Justification Sigh Countenance Spades Aces

Book:The posthumous papers of the Pickwick Club

Source: The posthumous papers of the Pickwick Club

“He was drunk upon the average once a day, and penitent upon an equally fair calculation once a month; and when he was penitent, he was invariably in the very last stage of maudlin intoxication. He was a ragged, roving, roaring kind of fellow, with a burly form, a sharp wit, and a ready head, and could turn his hand to anything when he chose to do it.”

Source: The Works of Charles Dickens: Sketches by Boz : illustrative of every day life and everyday people. 1903

“He appeared to enjoy beyond everything the sound of his own voice. I couldn't wonder at that, for it was mellow and full and gave great importance to every word he uttered. He listened to himself with obvious satisfaction and sometimes gently beat time to his own music with his head or rounded a sentence with his hand.”

Sometimes Hands Funny Enjoy Sound Voice Wonder Beats Humorous Importance Satisfaction Obvious Sentences Mellow

Book:Bleak House

Source: Bleak House

“Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, "Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers?" Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really good point, they should... fix that. It's good to know that somebody finally gets me!”

Knows Should Humor Hands Funny Guy Humour Get Up Linked Shared Experiences Restroom Dryers Hahaha

Author:Bo Burnham

“When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.”

Humor Hands Funny Flyers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.”

People Ifs Thinking Knows Humor Hands Funny Comedy Dangerous Wave What If Cocky

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“North Dakota State. What do you have to do there to graduate? Milk a cow with your left hand?”

Inspirational States Hands Funny Left Milk Graduates Cows Graduation Left Hand Dakota North Dakota

Author:Bobby Heenan

“Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!”

People Knows Way Want Doe Shows Humor Hands Funny Sound Fronts Comfortable Sticks Bunch Drunk Chairs Electric

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.”

Humor Hands Bigs Funny Fingers Chickens

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"”

Way Persons Helping Humor Hands Running Funny Chance Fire Figures Bears Authority My Friends Woods Intense Forests Ran Acid Swearing Forest Fires Authority Figures

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.”

Knows Looks Mean Humor Hands Funny Guy Next Eating Bars Next Time Candy Candy Bar

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Montefusco bare-hands it and throws him out. That grounder will make you a traveling salesman in a hurry!”

Humor Hands Funny Baseball Salesman

Author:Jerry Coleman

“The Stately Homes of England, How beautiful they stand, To prove the Upper Classes, Have still the Upper Hand.”

Stills Home Humor Hands Funny Beautiful Class Prove England Upper Class Upper Hand

Author:Noel Coward

“How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.”

Ifs Trying Years Hands Funny Remember Science Forget Half Technology Percent Seconds

Author:Tom Duff

“He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.”

“There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.”

Humor Hands Funny Next Hours Position Couple

Author:Bill Bailey

“Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.”

Different Humor Hands Kids Funny Lasts Faces Doors Mask Halloween Candy Rip

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.”

Done Humor Hands Funny Arms Wrestling Snakes Nurturing Peta Cuddling

Author:Sarah Silverman

“I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.”

Feels Humor Hands Funny Views Watches Cry Sorry Topics Couches

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.”

Humor Hands Funny Sex Enjoy Riding Roller Coaster Having Sex Coasters Condom Hands Up Diarrhea

Author:Adam Carolla

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