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Funny Quotes

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Funny Quotes

“I found myself declaiming, full flower, for an hour on the "utmost importance and urgency" of Blogging, telling him in no uncertain terms that, especially in a high-end niche business, Blogging is "the premier way" to have "intimate conversations" with his Clients. Funny thing, I believe it!”

Way Believe Ends Funny Found I Believe Term Hours Flower Conversation Importance Intimate Thoughtful Clients Uncertain Funny Things Urgency Niche Blogging Intimate Conversation

Author:Tom Peters

“You Cannot Live as I Have Lived and Not End Up Like This: The Thoroughly Disgraceful Life & Times of Willie Donaldson.”

Ends Funny Smart Clever Life Time Disgraceful

Author:Jay Nordlinger

“Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.”

Ends Funny Romance Waterfalls Splashing

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“'Cause if your love was all I had in this life, well that would be enough until the end of time. So rest your weary heart and relax your mind, 'Cause I'm gonna love you, girl, until the end of time.”

Ifs Mind Wells Heart Ends Enough Would Be Funny Girl Causes Love You This Life Relax Weary End Times Weary Heart

Author:Justin Timberlake

“If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.”

Ifs Men Firsts Ends Humor Funny Film Doors Week Husband Cameras Video My Husband Scream Locks Bathroom Your Husband Video Cameras

Author:Rita Rudner

“I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's back home, in the file. Under d...for doughnut.'”

Needs Giving I Can Ends Home Humor Funny Waiting Imagine Prove Paper Give Me Ink Files Skeptical Scenarios Back Home Transactions Doughnut Documentation Receipts Ink And Paper

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Then, at the end of every hand, Miss Bolo would inquire with a dismal countenance and reproachful sigh, why Mr. Pickwick had not returned that diamond, or led the club, or roughed the spade, or finessed the heart, or led through the honour, or brought out the ace, or played up to the king, or some such thing; and in reply to all these grave charges, Mr. Pickwick would be wholly unable to plead any justification whatever, having by this time forgotten all about the game.”

Heart Ends Hands Would Be Funny Games Missing Kings Humorous Forgotten Clubs Graves Honour Diamond Justification Sigh Countenance Spades Aces

Book:The posthumous papers of the Pickwick Club

Source: The posthumous papers of the Pickwick Club

“At the end of the day it's got to be a good movie, it's got to be a funny movie, and it's got to make people think, 'Hey, I couldn't have spent my time any better.'”

People Thinking Ends Funny Actors Hey Movie My Time The End Of The Day Good Movie

Author:Tom Hanks

“Upon looking back from the end of the last chapter and surveying the texture of what has been wrote, it is necessary, that upon this page and the five following, a good quantity of heterogeneous matter be inserted, to keep up that just balance betwixt wisdom and folly, without which a book would not hold together a single year.”

Years Has Beens Book Ends Matter Funny Together Lasts Five Balance Pages Surprise Following Folly Quantity Chapters Looking Back Texture

Book:The Works of Laurence Sterne, in One Volume

Source: The Works of Laurence Sterne, in One Volume

“You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don't let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, 'Well, why'd you put this spoon in this drawer then?' 'Just to p-s you off, that's why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.'”

Wells Ends Humor Funny Fighting House Energy Stupid Negative Dating Disappear Rings Spoons Drawers Negative Energy Napkins Funny Dating

Author:Adam Ferrara

“Forever is a very long time, especially the bit towards the end.”

Long Ends Humor Funny Bits Forever Long Time

Author:Janna Levin

“As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.”

Firsts Two Ends Shows Humor Funny Strong Keys Elements Sick Comedian Ems Pancakes

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story."”

People Men Long Ends Stories Humor Funny Attention Happened Drug Mad Extras Disorder Deficit Attention Span Attention Deficit Disorder

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"”

Way Trying Two Ends Humor Funny Hate Lines Thirds I Hate Arrows Triangles

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.”

Ifs Knows Has Beens Ends Humor Kids Funny Saws Excited Flying Parks Chairs Strings Impressed Kites

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.”

Ends Humor Funny Fighting Saws Advertising Boxing Good Place Hbo Boxing Matches

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets."”

Way May Ends Humor Funny Owners Participation Stubborn Vary Blanket Mcdonalds Spaghetti Cheeseburger

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“At the end of six innings of play, it's Montreal 5, Expos 3.”

Ends Play Humor Funny Six Baseball Montreal

Author:Jerry Coleman

“At the end, excitement maintained its hysteria.”

Ends Humor Funny Baseball Excitement Hysteria

Author:Jerry Coleman

“Many people think the Cards at the end of the wire will cross the finish line first.”

People Thinking Firsts Ends Humor Funny Lines Crosses Baseball Cards Wire Finish Line

Author:Jerry Coleman

“I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.”

Two Ends Humor Funny Party Yeah Shops Stations Screws Sandwiches Subway Two Days

Author:Chelsea Handler

“On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.”

Men World Giving Ends Humor Funny Father House White Television White House Buttons Desks

Author:Billy Connolly

“There's a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he's a good conductor?”

Long Ends Humor Funny Train Miles Drivers Metals Lightning Bolts Conductor Lightning Bolts

Author:Bo Burnham

“You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants.”

Knows Men Should Ends Humor Funny Drink Pants Bail Jack Daniels Wild Man

Author:Dave Attell

“"Yeah, well, if you eat red meat, it stays in your colon for fifteen years!" Good! I paid for it; I want it in my ass, okay? I want them to find a meat sweater from my esophagus to my asshole when they open me up in the end! "This guy's covered in meat! He's Meat-Man! He's Meat-Tracheotomy-Man!"”

Ifs Men Want Years Wells Ends Humor Funny Guy Red Okay Paid Yeah Ass Meat Covered Fifteen This Guy Sweaters Fifteen Years Red Meat

Author:Denis Leary

“If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.”

Ifs Should Ends Humor Funny Water Week Drink Garden Scientist Ass Bottles

Author:Lewis Black

“Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.”

Ends Humor Funny Walks Raises Taxi

Author:Jimmy Carr

“The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.”

Ends Humor Funny Speak Struggle East Olympics Speak English Glasgow

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"”

People Ends Matter Facts Humor Bigs Funny Parent Like You Baby Lawyer Insane Hey Smoke Teenager Pot Pregnant Spoiled Skating Big Families Roller Skating

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.”

Thinking World Ends Humor Care Funny President Don't Care I Don't Care End Of The World

Author:Marc Maron

“I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'”

Said Ends Humor Today Funny Cheese Armageddon

Author:Tim Vine

“Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.”

Knows Years Said Ends Humor Funny My Own Deals Know How Four Crazy Fronts Years Ago Misery Workers Bread Four Years Pizza My Own Life Ankles Huts Co Worker

Author:Zach Galifianakis