Best funny & trying Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“If you would know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.”

Source: The ABC of Money: Including The Way to Wealth and The Gospel of Wealth

“I would recommend to those persons who are inclined to stagnate, whose blood is beginning to thicken sluggishly in their veins, to try keeping four dogs, two of which are puppies.”

Trying Persons Two Funny Four Blood Dog Veins Puppy Cute Puppy

Book:Delphi Complete Works of Elizabeth von Arnim (Illustrated)

Source: Delphi Complete Works of Elizabeth von Arnim (Illustrated)

“If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.”

Ifs Thinking Trying Persons Funny Animal Influence Dog Pet Cowboy Puppy Canine Dog Training Poodle Dogs Man And Dog Funny Dog Dogs And Life Short Dog Dog Best Friend

Author:Will Rogers

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.”

Ifs Want Trying Children Funny Talking Our Children Witty Your Children

Author:Ann Landers

“My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.”

“I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy.”

Trying Has Beens Country Reason Humor Bigs Funny Boys Eating Towns Agriculture Country Boy

Book:Will Rogers' Weekly Articles: The Harding

Source: Will Rogers' Weekly Articles: The Harding

“Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic.”

Trying Play Bigs Funny Purpose Loses Chance Player Female Eight Olympics Invited Scandal Picnics Another Chance London Olympics Badminton

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?”

Ifs Thinking Way Trying Years Stories Bigs Funny Purpose Night Lost Loses Four Player Havens Train Four Years Olympics Day And Night London Olympics Badminton

Author:Conan O'Brien

“As soon as you are trying to be funny or dramatic, that's when things start feeling fake and boring.”

Trying Feelings Funny Boring Fake Dramatic

Author:Joseph Gordon-Levitt

“Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.”

Knows Men Trying Humor Funny Teach

Author:Rita Rudner

“I have good kids, I love my kids. I try to bring them up the right way, not spanking them. I find that I don't have to spank them. I find that waving the gun around pretty much gets the same job done!”

Way Trying Done Humor Kids Funny Jobs Gun Right Way Spanking I Love My Kids Love My Kids

Author:Denis Leary

“Roosevelt could always keep ahead with his work, but I cannot do it, and I know it is a grievous fault, but it is too late to remedy it. The country must take me as it found me. Wasn't it your mother who had a servant girl who said it was no use for her to try to hurry, that she was a "Sunday chil" and no "Sunday chil" could hurry? I don't think I am a Sunday child, but I ought to have been; then I would have had an excuse for always being late.”

Thinking Knows Trying Children Has Beens Said Country Use Funny Mother Girl Found Ought Late Faults Excuse Servant Too Late Sunday Take Me Remedy

Author:William Howard Taft

“I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.”

Knows Trying Use Humor Light Funny Used Night Turns Water Nice Middle Dating Get Up Bathroom Turn-on Middle Of The Night Funny Dating

Author:Adam Ferrara

“...it's just another one of those things I don't understand: everyone impresses upon you how unique you are, encouraging you to cultivate your individuality while at the same time trying to squish you and everyone else into the same ridiculous mould. It's an artist's right to rebel against the world's stupidity”

World Trying Funny Artist Stupid Unique Individuality Stupidity Ridiculous Rebel Impress Mould Irony Of Life Gadflies

Author:E. A. Bucchianeri

“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”

Trying Humor Funny Guy Comedy Weak Midget Turtlenecks

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.”

Trying Humor Funny Wasting Time Try Again Beans

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.”

Want Trying Home Humor Funny Studios Apartment Cheese Mobile Dwelling Tents Cottages Tornadoes

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.”

People Thinking Trying Shows Humor Funny Asks Late Ask Me Autographs

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!”

Men Trying Littles Humor Funny Boxes Plates Cheese Suggestions Peanuts Peanut Butter Crackers Ritz

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"”

Way Trying Two Ends Humor Funny Hate Lines Thirds I Hate Arrows Triangles

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.”

Knows Trying Stills Use Humor Wanted Funny Turns Stuff Enjoy Dad Letters My Dad Quitting Harsh Operators Steamboats

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.”

Men Feels Trying Humor Funny Weight Assuming Clothings Closets

Author:Rita Rudner

“When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.”

Want Trying Stills Humor Funny Legs Beach Grandchildren Veins Pills My Grandchildren

Author:Phyllis Diller

“How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.”

Ifs Trying Years Hands Funny Remember Science Forget Half Technology Percent Seconds

Author:Tom Duff

“Ronald Reagan came from show business. His idea of how the government should help the homeless was like your agent. "We'll try to get you work. But don't bug us about it."”

Should Trying Ideas Helping Shows Government Funny Like You Agents Homeless Bugs Show Business Reaganomics

Author:Bill Maher

“The issue we are reluctant to talk about is even more sensitive than condoms. The issue - and I will try to be tasteful here - is that sometimes it seems like maybe the president of the United States is kind of dumb. If you get what I mean. What I mean is, I am not totally confident that the president would get what I mean, unless several aides explained it to him. And even then, he might forget.”

Ifs Trying Kind Mean Sometimes States Seems Might Funny President Forget United United States Issues Dumb Sensitive Reluctant Condom Reaganomics

Author:Dave Barry

“I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.”

Thinking Way Trying Humor Funny Jokes

Author:David Cross

“All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.”

Trying Hard Humor Kids Funny Talking My Friends Thirds Yeah Girlfriend Abortion Your Girlfriend Finesse Consecutive

Author:David Cross

“Then I will tape the sets and even though I`m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.”

Trying Sometimes Humor Funny Together Successful Cutting Jokes Fats Tape

Author:David Cross

“It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever.”

Way Trying Humor Funny Guy Deals Effects Drinking Snowball Snowball Effect

Author:Denis Leary

“Look at his face. I bet his cornflakes try to crawl out of the bowl.”

Trying Looks Humor Funny Faces Bowls

Author:Dylan Moran

“That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.”

Thinking Should Trying Humor Funny Remember Speeding Wedding Day Adverts

Author:Frankie Boyle

“It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"”

Trying I Can Dream Humor Funny Interesting Strange Your Dreams Mail

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"”

People Trying Years Two Book Ideas Humor Funny Three Proud Conversation Pages Hundred Hey No Idea Fifty Three Years Now And Then Proud Of Myself

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."”

Knows Trying Firsts Humor Funny Water Yeah Selling Kicks Haha Bottled Water

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"”

Thinking Trying Humor Funny Lasts Night Sex Hours Wife Harder My Wife Last Night Gave Up

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.”

People Feels Trying Humor Funny Water Wife Lays Sorry My Wife Fats Beach

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.”

Trying Humor Funny Saws Blokes Chatting Cheetahs

Author:Tim Vine

“I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.”

Trying Two Humor Funny Next Millions Four Week Months Miles Two Weeks Down The Road Hash

Author:Adam Carolla

“My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.”

Trying Humor Funny Rights Fronts Police Suicide Committed Civil Rights Grandmother Bus Great Grandmother

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

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