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Funny Quotes

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Funny Quotes

“The Democrats are going to change the name of the Hoover Dam. That is the silliest thing I ever heard of in politics . . . Lord if they feel that way about it, I don't see why they don't just reverse the two words.”

IfsWayFeelsTwoHumorFunnyNamesPartyLordHeardRepublicanHumorousDemocratReverseDamsHooverHoover Dam
Book:Will Rogers Speaks: Over 1,000 Timeless Quotations for Public Speakers (writers, Politicians, Comedians, Browsers ...)
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“All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.”

FeelsFunnyFireTiredCaliforniaCheerFloodBrushesEarthquakesSmogCheer Me Up
Book:The Erma Bombeck Collection: If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?, Motherhood, and The Grass Is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank
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“If your idea of a role model is somebody who's gonna preach to your kids that sex before marriage is wrong and cursing is wrong and women should be this and be that, then I'm not a role model. But if you want your girls to feel strong and intelligent and be outspoken and fight for what they think is right, then I want to be that type of role model, yeah.”

IfsThinkingWantFeelsShouldIdeasKidsFunnyGirlFightingStrongSexRolesTypeModelsIntelligentYeahRole ModelsCursingOutspokenBefore MarriageSex Before Marriage
Author:Megan Fox
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“When I'm at our house in France I totally cut myself off from the rest of the world. I never have to listen to phones ringing and that's because - and Vanessa would confirm this - phones are banned from the house. We have a beautiful life and I feel that spending time in France has just calmed me down and made me stop worrying about things which aren't really important.”

WorldFeelsMadeImportantFunnyBeautifulHouseWorryCuttingDown AndPhonesSpendingFranceBeautiful LifeBannedSpending TimeStop Worrying
Author:Johnny Depp
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“I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."”

NeedsFeelsWellsHumorFunnyFormThreePiecesFourCuttingMiddleMembersClubsCirclesBreadEmsChipsSandwichesDumpTrianglesToothpicksStipulations
Author:Mitch Hedberg
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“Most people think, "Life sucks, and then you die." I disagree. I think life sucks. Then you get cancer. Then you go into chemotherapy. You lose all your hair, you feel bad about yourself. Then all of the sudden the cancer goes into remission, and then all of the sudden you have a stroke. You can't move your right side. And then, maybe, you die.”

PeopleThinkingFeelsHumorFunnyMovingDiesSidesLosesHairCancerAbout YourselfDisagreeStrokesChemotherapyRemissionLife Sucks
Author:Denis Leary
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“People go to Vegas, and they don't know what to do; here's what you do. You go to the casino in your hotel. On your arrival, you get $100 in quarters. Take that $100 back to your hotel room and stare at it for a long, long time. Why? Because you're never going to see them again. Then you take those quarters to the bathroom and you flush them, one by one by one. And the nice thing about that is that every so often the toilet will back up, and you'll feel like a WINNER!”

PeopleKnowsFeelsLongHumorFunnyRoomsNiceLong TimeWinnerStaringHotelQuartersBathroomToiletsVegasNice ThingsArrivalsHotel RoomsCasinos
Author:Lewis Black
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“There's this whole post-modern, nuevo beatnik, retro-bohemian thing going on, you know what I mean? You walk into some coffee shops, and it feels like you're an ex-patriot in Paris in the 20s. You're like, 'Hey, isn't that a young Ernest Hemingway over there? Yeah, I think it is! Hey, let's go have a look and see what he's writing... It's a Gap application.'”

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Author:Marc Maron
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