Best funny & firsts Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

Author:John M Barry

“My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.”

“One of the first sights that shocked me, when I came to Israel in 1921, was an Arab turning over a field with a very primitive plow; pulling the plow were an ox and a woman. Now, if it means that we have destroyed this romantic picture by bringing in tractors, combines, and threshing machines, this is true: we have.”

Ifs Firsts Mean Humor Funny Fields Humorous Machines Sight Israel Destroyed Primitive Pulling Shocked Tractors

Author:Golda Meir

“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.”

“I don't have the first clue who he is talking about, because all I worry about is Jerome.”

Firsts Funny Talking Worry Nba Clue

Author:Jerome James

“Big story at the Olympics regarding Michael Phelps. He stepped out with his girlfriend for the first time. She is a 25-year-old model from Los Angeles. Like every other model in L.A., She's dating an older retired guy. What's going on?”

Years Firsts Stories Bigs Funny Guy Models First Time Dating Girlfriend Los Angeles Olympics Retired London Olympics

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics.”

Men Needs Firsts Said Funny Female Athlete Olympics Ruling Arabia Saudi Arabia Saudis Scarves London Olympics Female Athlete

Author:Conan O'Brien

“The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.”

Knows Firsts Funny Games White Flames Do You Know Olympics Lit Olympic Games London Olympics

Author:Jay Leno

“I remember when I got my first Adam Sandler CD and it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard in my entire life, and continues to be.”

Firsts Funny Remember Heard Adam Remember When Cds

Author:Seth Rogen

“The funniest thing happened in one of my first scenes. In the beginning Emma was really arrogant and punk and in every scene she would slam the door when she walked in or out.”

Firsts Funny Happened Doors Scene Things Happen Punk Arrogant Slam Emma

Author:Dannii Minogue

“If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.”

Ifs Men Firsts Ends Humor Funny Film Doors Week Husband Cameras Video My Husband Scream Locks Bathroom Your Husband Video Cameras

Author:Rita Rudner

“Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.”

Firsts Humor Funny Objects Picks Teeth Chairs Iron Metals Hook Dentist

Author:Bill Cosby

“I don't quite recollect how many tumblers of whiskey toddy each man drank after supper; but this I know, that about one o'clock in the morning, the baillie's grown-up son became insensible while attempting the first verse of 'Willie brewed a peck o' maut'; and he having been, for half an hour before, the only other man visible above the mahogany, it occurred to my uncle that it was almost time to think about going.”

Source: The Pickwick Papers: The Posthumous Papers of the Pickwick Club

“"Oh!" said my aunt, "I was not aware at first to whom I had the pleasure of objecting."”

Firsts Said Funny Pleasure Humorous Aunt

Book:Personal History, Adventures, Experience and Observations of David Copperfield the Younger

Source: Personal History, Adventures, Experience and Observations of David Copperfield the Younger

“I couldn't believe it. That was the first time I had ever seen somebody celebrate for a whole 40-second clock. That was ridiculous.”

Firsts Believe Whole Funny First Time Ridiculous Celebrate Clock Nfl

Author:Charles Woodson

“Tony Taylor was one of the first acquisitions that the Phillies made when they reconstructed their team. They got him from Philadelphia.”

Firsts Made Humor Funny Lying Team Baseball Acquisition Philadelphia

Author:Jerry Coleman

“As humourless a lump of dough as ever held a torchlight vigil outside the South African Embassy or stuck an AIDS awareness ribbon on an unwilling first-nighter.”

Firsts Humor Funny Awareness South Aids Stuck South Africa Unwilling Lumps Ribbons Dough Embassy

Book:The Hippopotamus

Source: The Hippopotamus

“First law on holes - when you're in one, stop digging!”

Life Firsts Funny Law Politics Holes Digging Lifeboats

Author:Denis Healey

“As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.”

Firsts Two Ends Shows Humor Funny Strong Keys Elements Sick Comedian Ems Pancakes

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?”

Thinking Firsts Humor Funny Guy Radio Interviews Stations This Guy Djs Really Deep

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.”

Ifs Firsts Humor Funny Palms

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"”

Giving Firsts Humor Funny Used Girl Middle Drink Yeah Wine Headache This Girl

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.”

Men Firsts Humor Funny Morning Newspapers Upset Psych

Author:Rita Rudner

“If Pete Rose brings the Reds in first, they ought to bronze him and put him in cement.”

Ifs Firsts Humor Funny Ought Baseball Rose Cement Bronze

Author:Jerry Coleman

“The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split.”

Firsts Humor Funny Games Winning Baseball Splits Fifth

Author:Jerry Coleman

“With one out in the first, Dave Roberts looks a lot better than the last time he pitched against the Padres!”

Firsts Looks Humor Funny Lasts Baseball Last Time Dave

Author:Jerry Coleman

“Many people think the Cards at the end of the wire will cross the finish line first.”

People Thinking Firsts Ends Humor Funny Lines Crosses Baseball Cards Wire Finish Line

Author:Jerry Coleman

“The first pitch to Tucker Ashford is grounded into left field. No, wait a minute. It's ball one. Low and outside.”

Firsts Humor Funny Left Waiting Minutes Fields Lows Baseball Balls Grounded Left Field

Author:Jerry Coleman

“If you ask me, I'd like to become the first female president. That would be really cool. The first thing I would do is redecorate the White House, it doesn't look very cozy.”

Ifs Firsts Looks Humor Would Be Funny Asks House President White Female Ask Me White House Really Cool Cozy Female President

Author:Jennifer Lopez

“Before the first atomic bomb test, scientists took the time to calculate whether the blast would ignite the nitrogen in Earth's atmosphere and incinerate us all. The risk was low and the test went off, but Rees wonders what the odds would have had to be to discourage the bomb makers.”

Firsts Earth Funny Science Wonder Technology Risk Lows Tests Scientist Atmosphere Bombs Makers Odds Discouraging Blast Atomic Bomb Ignite Nitrogen

Author:Dennis Overbye

“To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.”

Source: The Good Life According to Hemingway

“He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.”

“Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby.”

Ifs Years Firsts Humor Funny Ready Baby Months Six Work Out Tattoo Six Months Having A Baby

Author:Chelsea Handler

“First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole.”

Firsts Humor Funny Actors

Author:Chelsea Handler

“Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.”

Thinking Firsts Book Humor Funny Brain Doors Drug Thousand Ten Perception Critics Melting Huxley Doors Of Perception

Author:Bill Bailey

“Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.”

Thinking Should Firsts Humor Funny Guy Clear Connections Addiction Presidential Council Junkie Soda

Author:Chris Rock

“When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.”

Firsts Humor Funny Saws Ran Rhinos

Author:Dave Attell

“If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.”

Ifs Firsts Looks Littles Humor Funny Jesus Baby Reactions Pants Porsche Baby Jesus

Author:Dave Attell

“I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".”

Firsts Said Humor Funny Dictionary

Author:Demetri Martin

“I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'”

People Ifs Firsts Looks Humor Funny Hate Seeing Like You Succeed I Hate Motto

Author:Demetri Martin

“Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.”

Ifs Years Firsts Wells Humor Funny Swimming Crap Great Year

Author:Lewis Black

“We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means.”

“There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?”

Ifs Thinking Firsts Said Two Humor Happens Funny Guy Worry Happenings Faults Girlfriend Two Things One Time Other Guys Sexually My Girlfriend

Author:Jimmy Carr

“A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."”

Men Firsts Humor Funny Guy Turns Next Asks Happened He Man Lucky Window Glasses Covered Toes Lucky You Bandages

Author:Frank Carson

“People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."”

People Firsts Children Humor Bigs Kids Funny Brother Burned Sandwiches Grandma Your Brother Big Families Burned Out

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."”

Knows Trying Firsts Humor Funny Water Yeah Selling Kicks Haha Bottled Water

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!”

Firsts Humor Funny Wife My Wife Butchers Milkman

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!”

Firsts Humor Funny Remember Sex Boys First Time Scared

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.”

Source: The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

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