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Funny Quotes

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Funny Quotes

“It's funny that when people reach a certain age, such as after graduating college, they assume it's time to go out and get a job. But like many things the masses do, just because everyone does it doesn't mean it's a good idea.”

People Mean Doe Ideas Age Funny Jobs Certain College Mass Assuming Thoughtful Good Ideas Graduates Blogging College Graduates

Author:Steve Pavlina

“I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.”

“I guess I don't so much mind being old, as I mind being fat and old.”

Mind Age Funny Aging Fats Weight Loss Being Old Being Fat

Author:Benjamin Franklin

“Many foxes grow gray but few grow good.”

Age Funny Time Grows Aging Gray Foxes

Book:The Autobiography, and Other Writings: With Selections from Poor Richard's Almanac and Papers Relating to the Junto

Source: The Autobiography, and Other Writings: With Selections from Poor Richard's Almanac and Papers Relating to the Junto

“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.”

“I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.”

Needs Age Funny Comedy Aging Witty Need You Bladder Don't Need You I Don't Need You

Author:Stephen Fry

“At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don't care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all.”

“The old - like children - talk to themselves, for they have reached that hopeless wisdom of experience which knows that though one were to cry it in the streets to multitudes, or whisper it in the kiss to one's beloved, the only ears that can ever hear one's secrets are one's own!”

Knows Children Age Funny Secret Streets Cry Kissing Ears Aging Beloved Hopeless Multitudes Old People Elders Senior Citizen Aging And Wisdom

Author:Eugene O'Neill

“Being seventy is not a sin. It's not a joy, either.”

Age Funny Joy Sin Humorous Seventies

Author:Golda Meir

“He is a writer for the ages, the ages of four to eight.”

Age Funny Four Eight

Author:Dorothy Parker

“Nobody fights with Jerry because you know the price would be too high. You might come out the winner, at his age, you might even lick him, but you'd lose an eye, an arm, your testicles in the process, everything would be gone.”

Knows Might Would Be Eye Age Funny Fighting Process Loses Gone Arms Winner Nba Jerry Testicles

Author:Frank Layden

“His wardrobe was extensive-very extensive-not strictly classical perhaps, not quite new, nor did it contain any one garment made precisely after the fashion of any age or time, but everything was more or less spangled; and what can be prettier than spangles!”

Made Age Funny Fashion Humorous Garments Wardrobe

Book:Charles Dickens: The Complete Christmas Novels & Tales (Illustrated): 30 Classics in One Volume: A Christmas Carol, The Battle of Life, The Chimes, Oliver Twist, Tom Tiddler's Ground, The Holly-Tree, Doctor Marigold, The Pickwick Papers, Great Expectations and more

Source: Charles Dickens: The Complete Christmas Novels & Tales (Illustrated): 30 Classics in One Volume: A Christmas Carol, The Battle of Life, The Chimes, Oliver Twist, Tom Tiddler's Ground, The Holly-Tree, Doctor Marigold, The Pickwick Papers, Great Expectations and more

“One might feel that, at my age, I should look on life with more gravity. After all, I've been privileged to listen, firsthand, tosome of the most profound thinkers of my daywho were all beset by gloom over the condition the world had gotten into. Then why can't I view it with anything but amusement?”

Thinking World Feels Should Looks Might Age Funny Views Conditions Profound Thoughtful Thinker Gravity Privileged Amusement Gloom

Author:Anita Loos

“Maturity does not always come with age; sometimes age comes alone.”

Doe Sometimes Wisdom Motivational Age Funny Maturity

Book:Everyone Communicates, Few Connect: What the Most Effective People Do Differently

Source: Everyone Communicates, Few Connect: What the Most Effective People Do Differently

“Middle Age is that perplexing time of life when we hear two voices calling us, one saying, 'Why not?' and the other, 'Why bother?'”

Two Age Funny Voice Middle Calling Aging Witty Bother Why Not Middle Ages Why Bother Different Voices

Author:Sydney J. Harris

“Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.”

Giving Age Funny Politics Humorous Give Me Philosophical Aging Witty Chastity Funny Sex Hippo

Author:Saint Augustine

“You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.”

People Should Mean Shows Humor Care Age Funny Girl Nice Tvs Don't Care I Don't Care Grades Being Nice Tv Shows Other Girl Be Nice To People

Author:Chelsea Handler

“I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"”

Said Two Humor Age Funny Girl Waiting Pairs Bus

Author:Jimmy Carr

“Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.”

Source: The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee