Best funny & needs Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“If this prinicpal thinks blogging isn't educational, he needs his head examined: he should be seeking out every student blogger in the school and giving them special time to blog more - and giving them extra credit besides.”

Ifs Thinking Needs Giving Should School Funny Special Students Seeking Educational Credit Extras Thoughtful Blogs Blogging Bloggers Special Times

Author:Cory Doctorow

“I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.”

Needs Age Funny Comedy Aging Witty Need You Bladder Don't Need You I Don't Need You

Author:Stephen Fry

“It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need, and our air force has to have a bake-sale to buy a bomber.”

Needs School Funny Force Air Military Air Force Great Day Bombers Bake Sale

Author:Robert Fulghum

“Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense”

Men Needs Humor Funny Winning Causes Beats Arguing Make Sense Handicapped

Author:Chris Rock

“We only need to wear shoes because the British built roads which hurt our feet.”

Needs Funny Hurt Feet Built Shoes British

Book:Malayan Trilogy: Time for a Tiger. The Enemy in the Blanket; Beds in the East

Source: Malayan Trilogy: Time for a Tiger. The Enemy in the Blanket; Beds in the East

“Love is photogenic. It needs darkness room to develop”

Needs Funny Love Is Rooms Darkness Photogenic

Author:H. L. Mencken

“Elena, my four year old, says to me in all seriousness; "Mommy, you need to buy another baby".”

Needs Years Funny Four Baby Four Years Seriousness

Author:Ronald Reagan

“The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold.”

Ifs Needs Today Funny Winning One Thing Events Gold Horse Shame Olympics Competing Medal Romney London Olympics Dressage

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics.”

Men Needs Firsts Said Funny Female Athlete Olympics Ruling Arabia Saudi Arabia Saudis Scarves London Olympics Female Athlete

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Imagine if you've got the diva of all divas. If we've got to be somewhere at five or six o'clock, I tell her its time to go at noon so she gets those five hours to do what she needs to do. But were both kids at heart. She is the funniest person ever and she has a great sense of humor. We connect at a spiritual level.”

Ifs Needs Heart Persons Kids Funny Spiritual Hours Levels Five Imagine Six Clock Sense Of Humor Noon Kid At Heart

Author:Nick Cannon

“We need to take responsibility and educate people. That's why black folks don't like me. I always say it's our responsibility to make safe neighborhoods. It's our job to get them cleaned up.”

People Needs Funny Jobs Black Responsibility Safe Folks Like Me Neighborhood Educate Taking Responsibility Don't Like Me

Author:Charles Evers

“I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's back home, in the file. Under d...for doughnut.'”

Needs Giving I Can Ends Home Humor Funny Waiting Imagine Prove Paper Give Me Ink Files Skeptical Scenarios Back Home Transactions Doughnut Documentation Receipts Ink And Paper

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.”

Want Needs Ideas Humor Funny Car Products Thousand Filled Oil Not Sure Malls Parking Hydrogen Parking Lot Hindenburg

Author:Dennis Miller

“I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.”

Needs Humor Funny Sex Comedy Saved Addict Heroines Having Sex Sex Drive Sex Maniac

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Muhammad Ali: Superman Don't need no seat belt. Flight Attendant: Superman Don't need no airplane, either.”

Needs Funny Flight Seats Aviation Airplane Belts Muhammad Seat Belts Flight Attendant

Author:Clifton Fadiman

“I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?”

Needs I Can Two Humor Funny Causes Break Missing Yeah Bills

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!”

Ifs Needs Made Humor Funny Lays Bars Holes Sugar Candy Candy Bar

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.”

Needs Sometimes Humor Funny Car Hot

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!”

Ifs Knows Needs Humor Funny Tickets Scratches Lottery Lotion Lottery Ticket

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."”

Ifs Thinking Needs Two Sometimes Problem Humor Funny Night Hours Middle Cold Wake Up Yeah Covered Sweat No Problem Middle Of The Night

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll drive for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. What kind of emergency is this? I need to not stop now. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.”

Knows Needs Kind Sometimes Humor Funny Car Ten Smell Miles Emergencies Brake Levers Car Rental

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, "Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!"”

Thinking Needs Said Humor Funny Guy Scripts Likes Copies Screws

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."”

Needs Feels Wells Humor Funny Form Three Pieces Four Cutting Middle Members Clubs Circles Bread Ems Chips Sandwiches Dump Triangles Toothpicks Stipulations

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.”

Needs Humor Wanted Funny Car Available Bus Businessman

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.”

Needs Feels Humor Funny Hours Instant Productive Bowls Oatmeal

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!", you say, "No, it ain't." If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed.”

Ifs Thinking Needs Should Use Humor Funny Next Fronts Spells Next Time

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."”

Needs Kind Humor Funny Stores Circus Tents

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"”

Ifs Thinking Want Needs Looks Use Humor Funny Walks Acting Safe Yeah Hey Shirts Shops Documents Spy Surveillance Spray Fishy

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!”

Ifs Men Needs Littles Humor Funny Used Hate Missing Like You Couple Draws I Hate Mad Fingers Accidents Stores Turkeys Groceries Messed Up Ham Grocery Stores Fellas Bologna Pastrami

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."”

People Needs Whole Home Humor Bigs Funny Standing Apartment Unnecessary Warehouse

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."”

Needs Real Humor Funny Numbers Four Lucky Seven Billions Gambling Dice Handy

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"”

Thinking Knows Needs Mean Hard Humor Seems Funny Night Water Tvs Products Late Garden Plant Late Night Very Mean Cactus

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.”

Men Needs Feels Helping Humor Funny Fronts Married Clothes Dresses Urges Buttons Sexually Zips

Author:Rita Rudner

“They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!”

People Ifs Needs Wells Humor Funny Gun Outlaw

Author:George Carlin

“The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis.”

Needs Humor Funny Office Posts Cents Equipment Stamps Post Office

Author:Conan O'Brien

“You don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut.”

Needs Humor Funny Asks Haircuts Barbers

Author:Warren Buffett

“Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.”

Needs Giving Two Humor Funny Ten Boat Cents Tipping

Author:Groucho Marx

“I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I love the gays! Everyone needs a good gay man in their life.”

Knows Men Needs Ideas Humor Funny Know How Gay Assuming No Idea Gay Men

Author:Chelsea Handler

“I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet.”

Needs Humor Funny Wish Easy Bottles Easy To Get

Author:Chelsea Handler

“The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.”

Needs Said Humor Funny Bits Harder Meat Eggs Chef Wraps Scottish Scotch Snacks Tasty

Author:Bill Bailey

“I don't need a president with a bucket list!”

Needs Humor Funny President Lists Buckets Bucket List

Author:Chris Rock

“You're never going to go. Why would you go? It's a disgusting place. It's always wet even when it's dry. There's nothing there. Farmers aren't really people, you know this. They're just necessary, we need somebody to kill cows.”

People Knows Needs Humor Funny Dry Farmers Cows Wet Disgusting

Author:Dylan Moran

“They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!”

Ifs Knows Needs Wells Humor Today Funny Lying Perfect Conditions Wind Degrees Weather Nonsense Chill Minus

Author:Lewis Black

“I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.”

Knows Men Needs Humor Funny Decision Sick Soup

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“By the time we get to church, I need church cuz I've been yelled at by everyone in the family.”

Needs Humor Funny Church Cuz

Author:Jeff Foxworthy

“I think I let go of the need for approval. It certainly feels good when you get it, but I used to be more desperate for it. Once I felt better inside about myself... I could do everything based on how I want to do things.”

Thinking Want Needs Feels Humor Funny Used Felt Letting Go Feel Good Used To Be Desperate Approval

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."”

Needs Humor Funny Turns Stuff Expected Tricks Ice Bottles Recipes Freeze Cubes Trays

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“Let's be honest, this is a consumer based economy in America. That's all we manufacture here is need and appetite. We are the world's mouth. They make things in other countries, and they're like, 'Send it to America; they'll eat it.'”

World Needs Country Humor Funny America Economy Honest Mouths Consumers Being Honest Appetite Other Countries

Author:Marc Maron

“Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.”

Ifs Needs Feels Ideas Humor Funny Hours Doctors Setting Settings Diamond

Author:Rita Rudner

“When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer.”

Needs Humor Funny Used Realizing Growing Up Growing Drug Doctors Dealer Robins

Author:Robin Williams

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