Best funny & remember Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.”

Author:Robert Frost

“A poor creature who has said or done nothing worth a serious man taking the trouble of remembering.”

Men Said Done Funny Remember Poor Trouble Serious Creatures Serious Man

“I remember when I got my first Adam Sandler CD and it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard in my entire life, and continues to be.”

Firsts Funny Remember Heard Adam Remember When Cds

Author:Seth Rogen

“The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.”

Enough Humor Funny Lasts Remember Next Novel Paper Six Last Time Next Time Spain Toilets Archer Toilet Paper

Author:Bob Monkhouse

“All my life I've been terrible at remembering people's names. I once introduced a friend of mine as Martini. Her name was actually Olive.”

People Life Funny Remember Names Mines Terrible Humorous Actresses Manners Introducing Olives Martini

Author:Tallulah Bankhead

“I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.”

Ifs Thinking Said Humor Funny Remember Girl Boys Dating Prison That Girl Funny Dating

Author:Bill Engvall

“Remember that the wit, humour, and jokes of most mixed companies are local. They thrive in that particular soil, but will not often bear transplanting.”

Humor Funny Remember Company Humour Particular Bears Jokes Wit Locals Soil Thrive

Book:Lord Chesterfield's Letters

Source: Lord Chesterfield's Letters

“I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.”

Humor Funny Remember Used Comedy Hot Yeah Used To Be

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"”

Years I Can Humor Care Funny Remember Imagine Happened Seeds Blank Buns

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.”

Ifs Trying Years Hands Funny Remember Science Forget Half Technology Percent Seconds

Author:Tom Duff

“New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.”

Way Humor Funny Remember Fall New York Civilization Falling Apart

Author:David Letterman

“Remember how he handled the Iran-contra Never Ending Scandal from Hell? He went on national television, the President of the United States, and said it wasn't his fault, because he was not aware, at the time, of what his foreign policy was.”

Said States Funny Remember President United United States Hell Policy Television Faults Iran Foreign Policy Scandal Never Ending Reaganomics Iran Contra

Book:Dave Barry Turns Forty

Source: Dave Barry Turns Forty

“The president, apparently, was so totally unaware of where his foreign policy was that he had to appoint a distinguished commission to help him locate it, and when the commissioners called him in to testify, he told them, essentially, that he couldn't remember what it looked like. Now, if Richard Nixon had claimed something like that you would at least have had the comfort of knowing he was lying. You could trust Nixon that way. But with this president, you have this nagging feeling that he's telling the truth.”

Ifs Way Helping Feelings Funny Remember Lying President Knowing Policy Comfort Telling The Truth Foreign Policy Distinguished Nagging Commissioners Reaganomics

Book:The World According to Dave Barry

Source: The World According to Dave Barry

“... some of the best sex I can barely remember.”

I Can Humor Funny Remember Sex

Book:My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are."”

Humor Funny Remember Lying Mother Names Boys Mad Who You Are Don't Lie Lie To Me Don't Lie To Me

Author:Bill Cosby

“"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "And tired." I don't remember anything after that.”

Said Humor Funny Remember Mother Worst Sick Tired

Author:Bill Cosby

“Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!”

Humor Funny Remember Young Used Argument Remember When

Author:Chris Rock

“That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.”

Thinking Should Trying Humor Funny Remember Speeding Wedding Day Adverts

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!”

Firsts Humor Funny Remember Sex Boys First Time Scared

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.”

Ifs Enough Philosophy Facts Humor School Funny Remember Forget Study Screws Forget It Rest Of Your Life Geology Screw You

Author:Steve Martin

“So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.”

I Can Humor Today Funny Remember Names Mets Blokes Crosswords

Author:Tim Vine

“Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.”

Humor Kids Today School Funny Remember Reading Sex Teacher High School Died Online School Teachers High School Teachers

Author:Zach Galifianakis

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