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Funny Quotes

Browse 13923 quotes about Funny.

Funny Quotes

“I've never been a big believer in formal education.”

Bigs Funny Believer Formal Formal Education

Author:Megan Fox

“Great, big, serious novels always get awards. If it's a battle between a great, big, serious novel and a funny novel, the funny novel is doomed.”

Ifs Writing Bigs Funny Literature Novel Fate Serious Battle Awards Doomed Award Winning Winning Awards

Author:Neil Gaiman

“I am just an old country boy in a big town trying to get along. I have been eating pretty regular and the reason I have been is because I have stayed an old country boy.”

Trying Has Beens Country Reason Humor Bigs Funny Boys Eating Towns Agriculture Country Boy

Book:Will Rogers' Weekly Articles: The Harding

Source: Will Rogers' Weekly Articles: The Harding

“The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.”

Thinking Shows Humor Bigs Funny Type Drug Flying Sixty Coincidence Nun Hallucinogenic Drugs

Book:My Point...And I Do Have One

Source: My Point...And I Do Have One

“Big story at the Olympics regarding Michael Phelps. He stepped out with his girlfriend for the first time. She is a 25-year-old model from Los Angeles. Like every other model in L.A., She's dating an older retired guy. What's going on?”

Years Firsts Stories Bigs Funny Guy Models First Time Dating Girlfriend Los Angeles Olympics Retired London Olympics

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic.”

Trying Play Bigs Funny Purpose Loses Chance Player Female Eight Olympics Invited Scandal Picnics Another Chance London Olympics Badminton

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?”

Ifs Thinking Way Trying Years Stories Bigs Funny Purpose Night Lost Loses Four Player Havens Train Four Years Olympics Day And Night London Olympics Badminton

Author:Conan O'Brien

“I'm shooting in Brooklyn, we've got all kinds of crap going on, and I'm all alone now in a big hotel suite that you can't believe the size of it and a thing sticks in my foot and I just think it's the funniest thing that's ever happened to me.”

Thinking Believe Kind Bigs Funny Happened Feet Sticks Size All Kinds Shooting Hotel Crap Brooklyn All Alone

Author:Danny DeVito

“Ron Guidry is not very big, maybe 140 pounds, but he has an arm like a lion.”

Humor Bigs Funny Arms Baseball Pounds Lions Miscellaneous

Author:Jerry Coleman

“2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.”

Enough Humor Bigs Funny Term Stupid

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.”

Want Real Humor Bigs Funny Machines Sells Being Real Vending Machines

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.”

Humor Hands Bigs Funny Fingers Chickens

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything."”

People Needs Whole Home Humor Bigs Funny Standing Apartment Unnecessary Warehouse

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up!"”

Thinking Said Shows Humor Bigs Funny Company Cutting Balls Intention Tennis Ems They Said Screws Potatoes Initials Rubber Laid Back Tennis Balls Pringles

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“The big ballpark can do it all!”

Humor Bigs Funny Can Do Baseball Ballparks

Author:Jerry Coleman

“That big guy, Winfield, at 6'6", can do things only a small man can do.”

Men Humor Bigs Funny Guy Can Do Baseball Big Guys Small Man

Author:Jerry Coleman

“I like to use big words so people will think I know what I'm talking about.”

People Thinking Knows Use Humor Bigs Funny Talking Baseball

Author:Jerry Coleman

“Well, I hope before Glenn goes, he'll come up here so we can give him a big hug and a kiss, because that's the kind of guy he is.”

Giving Wells Kind Humor Bigs Funny Guy Kissing Baseball Come Up Hug

Author:Jerry Coleman

“He was all emotion all the time, constantly talking about his feelings and his profound love for her. He was minutes from getting his first period. He wrote poems too. It's my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they're making up for something else like a big hair back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don't know any females who are dying to their their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls, the better.”

“Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.”

Ifs Humor Bigs Funny Water Pay Study Tomorrow Tests Gas Candle Electricity Daddy

Author:Chris Rock

“That's why I'm glad Jesus died when he did. Because if he lived to be 40, he would have ended up like Elvis. He was famous already at that point. If he lived to be 40, he'd be walking around Jerusalem with a big fat beer gut and black side burns going, Damn, I'm the son of God. Give me a cheeseburger and french fries right now.”

Ifs Giving Humor Bigs Funny Jesus Sides Black Son Walking Right Now Give Me Died Glad Fats Beer Damn Guts Jerusalem Fries French Fries Cheeseburger

Author:Denis Leary

“Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that...shite.”

Humor Bigs Funny Stuff Wow Opera

Author:Dylan Moran

“You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.”

Ifs Humor Bigs Funny Stupid Cows Stupid Things

Author:Dylan Moran

“The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A.”

Problem Humor Bigs School Funny Class Drug Big Problems

Author:Milton Jones

“I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"”

People Ends Matter Facts Humor Bigs Funny Parent Like You Baby Lawyer Insane Hey Smoke Teenager Pot Pregnant Spoiled Skating Big Families Roller Skating

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."”

People Firsts Children Humor Bigs Kids Funny Brother Burned Sandwiches Grandma Your Brother Big Families Burned Out

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, 'Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!' Pop opens one eye, he's like, 'Is the boogie man bigger than me?' 'Well, no Daddy, he's not.' 'Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me.'”

Men Wells Humor Bigs Eye Running Funny Night Choices Causes Hurt Deals Middle Huge Bed Bigger Pops Bedroom Daddy Middle Of The Night Boogie

Author:Adam Ferrara

“My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.”

Knows Men Way Stills Humor Bigs Funny Found Father Black Huge Dad My Dad Complicated Racist Santa Santa Claus Let Down Good Father

Author:Anthony Jeselnik