Best funny & world Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

Source: Everything But Money: A Life of Riches

“If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'”

Ifs Knows World States Feelings Funny Family Five Minutes Like You Fairs Parenthood Five Minutes Royalty Alright You Might Be A Redneck If Dysfunctional Family Craziest Funny Family

Author:Jeff Foxworthy

“When I lost my decathlon world record I took it like a man. I only cried for ten hours.”

Men World Inspirational Funny Lost Hours Records Ten Entertaining Cried Athletics World Records Bloopers Decathlon

Author:Daley Thompson

“Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”

People World Love Life Funny Half Communication Self Improvement Witty Other Half Effective Communication Good Communication Talking Too Much

Author:Robert Frost

“The hugely popular Windows 95 operating system revolutionized the software world thanks to its capability of accomplishing the seemingly impossible task of making Bill Gates even richer than he already was.”

World Humor Funny Impossible Tasks Window Bills Thanks Gates Software Capability Microsoft Operating Systems

Book:Dave Barry in Cyberspace

Source: Dave Barry in Cyberspace

“Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world.”

People World Humor Funny Moving Interesting Cities Psychology New York Higher Currents New York City Journal Percentages Surveys Abnormal Cities In The World Abnormal Psychology

Book:Late night with David Letterman: the book

Source: Late night with David Letterman: the book

“Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.”

Ifs World Way Different Would Be Funny Numbers Dog Travel Window One Way Ran

Author:David Letterman

“Shave a gorilla and it would be almost impossible, at twenty paces, to distinguish him from a heavyweight champion of the world. Skin a chimpanzee, and it would take an autopsy to prove he was not a theologian.”

World Humor Would Be Funny Impossible Prove Skins Twenties Champion Pace Theologian Chimpanzees Gorillas Heavyweights Autopsy

Author:H. L. Mencken

“The world's strongest animals are plant eaters. Gorillas, Buffaloes, Elephants and me.”

World Funny Animal Humorous Plant Strongest Vegetarian Vegan Elephants Gorillas Plant Based Diet

Author:Patrik Baboumian

“There are only two places in the world where time takes precedence over the job to be done. School and prison.”

World Two Done School Funny Jobs Learning Prison Schooling Places In The World Unschooling Precedence

Author:William Glasser

“Mary Decker Slaney, the world greatest front runner, I shouldn't be surprised to see her at the front”

World Inspirational Funny Fronts Entertaining Mary Runners Athletics Bloopers

Author:Ron Pickering

“Coe has smashed the world record, 1:44.92 seconds has never been run easier”

World Inspirational Running Funny Records Easier Seconds Entertaining Athletics World Records Bloopers

Author:Ron Pickering

“In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed.”

People World Play Funny Law Waiting Sun Car Ready Hollywood Golf Clubs California Unemployed Golf Clubs Rolls Royce Chauffeurs

Book:A gift of laughter: the autobiography of Allan Sherman

Source: A gift of laughter: the autobiography of Allan Sherman

“As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number.”

Knows World May Said Funny Force Numbers Class Groups Police Hills California Tone Fancy Department Police Force Beverly Hills Police Department Snobbish High Class

Author:Jack Benny

“In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there's hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.”

World Funny Spirit Fighting Asks Games Around The World Warfare Olympics Olympic Games London Olympics Ceasefire

Author:Jay Leno

“I'd love to do a film with Mariah. But it would have to be a comedy. She's the funniest woman in the world, she just cracks me up all the time.”

World Funny Film Comedy Cracks

Author:Nick Cannon

“That is simply the most beautiful publishing office in the world, with that cranky old building in that wonderful park.”

World Funny Beautiful Wonderful Building Office Parks Publishing Cranky Old Buildings

Author:Jim Harrison

“When I'm at our house in France I totally cut myself off from the rest of the world. I never have to listen to phones ringing and that's because - and Vanessa would confirm this - phones are banned from the house. We have a beautiful life and I feel that spending time in France has just calmed me down and made me stop worrying about things which aren't really important.”

World Feels Made Important Funny Beautiful House Worry Cutting Down And Phones Spending France Beautiful Life Banned Spending Time Stop Worrying

Author:Johnny Depp

“Better mad with the rest of the world than wise alone.”

World Wisdom Funny Wise Mad Insanity Madness And Sanity Insanity And Sanity Madness And Insanity Worldly Wisdom Mad World

Book:The Art of Worldly Wisdom

Source: The Art of Worldly Wisdom

“What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?”

World Persons Funny Psychology Crazy Awareness This World Depression Mad Silly Mental Illness Life And Death Sanity Sane Being Crazy Insanity And Sanity Mad World Insane World

Book:The Lathe Of Heaven: A Novel

Source: The Lathe Of Heaven: A Novel

“I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last.”

World Humor Funny Lasts Love You This World Love You More I Love You More

Author:Elvis Costello

“Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit."”

World Looks Kind Doe Two Humor Funny Fighting Animal Stupid Bears Citizens Messages Fruit Stealing Flags Anthem Imitating Wild Animal National Anthem Pineapples Belarus

Author:Bill Bailey

“One might feel that, at my age, I should look on life with more gravity. After all, I've been privileged to listen, firsthand, tosome of the most profound thinkers of my daywho were all beset by gloom over the condition the world had gotten into. Then why can't I view it with anything but amusement?”

Thinking World Feels Should Looks Might Age Funny Views Conditions Profound Thoughtful Thinker Gravity Privileged Amusement Gloom

Author:Anita Loos

“...it's just another one of those things I don't understand: everyone impresses upon you how unique you are, encouraging you to cultivate your individuality while at the same time trying to squish you and everyone else into the same ridiculous mould. It's an artist's right to rebel against the world's stupidity”

World Trying Funny Artist Stupid Unique Individuality Stupidity Ridiculous Rebel Impress Mould Irony Of Life Gadflies

Author:E. A. Bucchianeri

“All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.”

World Two War Humor Funny War Of The Worlds Hostility World War Two

Author:Neil Simon

“I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.”

World Real Humor Would Be Funny Numbers Real World Application Mtv

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“The house of Lords must be the only institution in the world which is kept efficient by the persistent absenteeism of most of its members.”

World Humor Funny House Lord Members Institutions Efficient Persistent House Of Lords

Author:Herbert Samuel, 1st Viscount Samuel

“British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.”

Ifs World Humor Funny Left British Diplomatic

Book:The wit of Peter Ustinov

Source: The wit of Peter Ustinov

“He hasn't an enemy in the world, and none of his friend like him.”

World Humor Funny Enemy

Author:Oscar Wilde

“That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the segregation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.”

“Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.”

Knows World Humor Funny Used Natural Orchestra Natural World Sharks Swans Trout Jellyfish

Author:Bill Bailey

“On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.”

Men World Giving Ends Humor Funny Father House White Television White House Buttons Desks

Author:Billy Connolly

“And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve".”

World Said Humor Funny Past Type Ten Hearing Aids Brands Mates Twelve Brand New Hearing Aids

Author:Billy Connolly

“Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.”

“In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"”

World Looks Humor Funny Beautiful Guy Decision Minutes New York Twenties Urgent Beautiful Women Craziest Most Beautiful Woman In The World

Author:David Cross

“This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up and asbestos shooting into the sky.”

World Way Humor Funny Dies Race Cities Sky New York Exciting Yeah Shooting New York City Construction Crash Riot Places In The World Subway Sidewalk Cranes Blowing Up Asbestos Race Riots

Author:Denis Leary

“Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, "Gday Gday how you doing no worries next".”

World Humor Funny Jobs Courses Next Worry Australian Psychiatrist No Worries

Author:Milton Jones

“You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.”

People Knows World Humor Funny Animal Bees Hepatitis

Author:Milton Jones

“My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.”

World War Humor Funny Father Lines Communication Destroyed War Of The Worlds World War I Pigeons Lines Of Communication

Author:Frank Carson

“I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.”

People World Years Humor Funny Levels Rooms Comedy Mines Seven Footballer Scottish

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.”

Knows World Years Looks Humor Funny Four Cups Four Years Dump World Cup Victoria Beckham

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.”

Thinking World Ends Humor Care Funny President Don't Care I Don't Care End Of The World

Author:Marc Maron

“Let's be honest, this is a consumer based economy in America. That's all we manufacture here is need and appetite. We are the world's mouth. They make things in other countries, and they're like, 'Send it to America; they'll eat it.'”

World Needs Country Humor Funny America Economy Honest Mouths Consumers Being Honest Appetite Other Countries

Author:Marc Maron

“Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.”

People World Believe Humor Funny Eyebrows

Author:Tim Vine

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