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Funny Quotes

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Funny Quotes

“Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.”

States Done Running Funny Work Morning Honest Politician Late Musician Being Honest Governing Singer Songwriters Humorists

Author:Kinky Friedman

“A drinker has a hole under his nose that all his money runs into.”

Humor Running Funny Drinking Alcohol Holes Noses Alcoholism Alcoholics Drinking Alcohol Drinkers Alcohol Drinking Drinking Funny Alcohol Addiction

Author:Thomas Fuller

“[W]ithout humour you cannot run a sweetie-shop, let alone a nation.”

Humor Running Funny Nations Humour Shops

Book:Delphi Complete Works of John Buchan (Illustrated)

Source: Delphi Complete Works of John Buchan (Illustrated)

“She hasn't run faster than herself before”

Inspirational Running Funny Faster Entertaining Athletics Bloopers

Author:Zola Budd

“Coe has smashed the world record, 1:44.92 seconds has never been run easier”

World Inspirational Running Funny Records Easier Seconds Entertaining Athletics World Records Bloopers

Author:Ron Pickering

“How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.”

Looks Running Funny Cities Happened New York London Gentleman New York City Olympics Ladies And Gentlemen London Olympics

Author:David Letterman

“Usain Bolt won the gold for the men's 100- and 200-meter dashes for the second Olympics in a row. You know, he has been running since he was in elementary school - kind of like Mitt Romney.”

Knows Men Kind Has Beens Running School Funny Gold Olympics Romney Bolts Meter Elementary School London Olympics

Author:Jay Leno

“He was by no means opposed to hard labour on principle, for he would work away at a cricket-match by the day together, - running, and catching, and batting, and bowling, and revelling in toil which would exhaust a galley-slave.”

Mean Hard Running Funny Together Principles Humorous Slave Labour Toil Cricket Catching Bowling Batting Cricket Match

Book:Bentley's Miscellany

Source: Bentley's Miscellany

“Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself does not.”

Inspirational Doe Running Funny Laughing Risk Laughter Ridiculous Consistently Humour And Laughter

Author:Vaclav Havel

“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

Ifs Said Humor Running Funny Moving Guy My Own Fire Comedy Legs Block Gambling This Guy Exit Own Business Casinos Mind Your Own Business Minding My Own Business

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.”

Ifs Humor Running Funny Sleep Animal Sheep Can't Sleep

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"”

Said Humor Running Funny Moving Guy Hell Caught Bars Hey Hats Pairs Nerves Apologizing Rude Caught Up This Guy Accessories Go To Hell Sunglasses Mustache Hey You Earrings Ponytails

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.”

Ifs Humor Running Funny Opposites Boring Never Change Parades

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"”

Way Persons Helping Humor Hands Running Funny Chance Fire Figures Bears Authority My Friends Woods Intense Forests Ran Acid Swearing Forest Fires Authority Figures

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“The last time Pena faced the Padres, the Dodgers scratched for a run to tie the game and then went on to win 4-0.”

Humor Running Funny Lasts Games Winning Baseball Ties Last Time Dodgers

Author:Jerry Coleman

“Trailing 5-1, the Padres added an insurance run in the eighth inning.”

Humor Running Funny Baseball

Author:Jerry Coleman

“That home run ties it up, 1-0.”

Home Humor Running Funny Baseball Ties Home Run

Author:Jerry Coleman

“Rick Miller hit only one home run last year, and that's like hitting none.”

Years Home Humor Running Funny Lasts Baseball Last Year Hitting Home Run

Author:Jerry Coleman

“Last night's homer was Stargell's 399th career home run, leaving him one shy of 500.”

Home Humor Running Funny Lasts Night Careers Baseball Leaving Shy Last Night Home Run Leaving Him

Author:Jerry Coleman

“That's Hendrick's 19th home run. One more and he reaches double figures.”

Home Humor Running Funny Figures Baseball Home Run

Author:Jerry Coleman

“The Governor has no presidential aspirations. In fact he just made a tour of 43 states just to tell them he's not running for anything.”

Made States Facts Running Funny Presidential Aspiration Governors Reaganomics

Author:Bob Hope

“I knew the President would run for reelection in 1984. Why not? Actors love sequels ... and returns.”

Running Funny Actors President Return Why Not Sequels Reelection Reaganomics

Author:Bob Hope

“I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game.”

People Country Humor Running Kids Funny Games Doors Childhood Rounds Fantastic Running Away Foxes Knocking Badgers

Author:Bill Bailey

“I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'”

Humor Running Kids Funny House Waiting Save Me

Author:Chris Rock

“It's hard for a man to turn down sex... if they chase us, we can't run that fast.”

Ifs Men Hard Humor Running Funny Turns Sex

Author:Chris Rock

“I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.”

Humor Running Funny Hate Sitting I Hate Traffic

Author:Milton Jones

“Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."”

Persons Sometimes Humor Running Funny Night Hours Trouble Late Busy Smell Smoke Lazy Weekend Showers Monday Friday Friday Night Being Lazy 48 Hours Running Late

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What - does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'”

People Ifs Thinking Knows Littles Doe Humor Happens Running Funny Jesus Church Minutes Fronts New York Fine Tomorrow Office Late Asking Rounds Jew Posts Bus Coming Back Alright Post Office I'm Back

Author:Marc Maron

“I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, 'Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!' Pop opens one eye, he's like, 'Is the boogie man bigger than me?' 'Well, no Daddy, he's not.' 'Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me.'”

Men Wells Humor Bigs Eye Running Funny Night Choices Causes Hurt Deals Middle Huge Bed Bigger Pops Bedroom Daddy Middle Of The Night Boogie

Author:Adam Ferrara