Best funny & asks Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

Author:Samuel Goldwyn

“In the spirit of the Olympic Games, they traditionally ask that all fighting and warfare around the world stop. So, there's hope for a ceasefire within the Jackson family.”

World Funny Spirit Fighting Asks Games Around The World Warfare Olympics Olympic Games London Olympics Ceasefire

Author:Jay Leno

“I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.”

People Way Should Humor Funny Hate Asks Stupid Should Have Rely Stupid People

Author:Bill Engvall

“When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'”

Source: Strictly personal

“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.”

Life Dream Humor Funny Asks Comedy Sick Following Hook Following My Dreams Hook Up Blurry

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."”

Knows Humor Funny Asks My Friends Tests Aids Do You Know Know Me Brian

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.”

People Thinking Trying Shows Humor Funny Asks Late Ask Me Autographs

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no." So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you're not saying ANYTHING!”

Looks Humor Funny Order Asks House Fans Hair Setting Settings Liars Documents Lied Pins Back And Forth Saying No Lied To Me Pin Up

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."”

People Knows Two Real Enough Humor Funny Moving Next Asks Easy Answers Numbers Presses Phones Next Time Phone Numbers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask the English people if they knew who Smokey the Bear is. But they don't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. And that's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I better play dead!"”

People Ifs Thinking Men Should Mean Play Humor Wanted Funny Asks Fire Bears Jokes England Forests Representatives Frogs Prevention Hopping Forest Fires

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If you ask me, I'd like to become the first female president. That would be really cool. The first thing I would do is redecorate the White House, it doesn't look very cozy.”

Ifs Firsts Looks Humor Would Be Funny Asks House President White Female Ask Me White House Really Cool Cozy Female President

Author:Jennifer Lopez

“You don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut.”

Needs Humor Funny Asks Haircuts Barbers

Author:Warren Buffett

“When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.”

Humor Funny Asks Fine Involved Picks Accidents Thanks Limbs Alright

Author:Billy Connolly

“People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, 'Bo, you're an artist... how do we fix Africa?'”

People Humor Funny Artist Asks Ask Me

Author:Bo Burnham

“You can say, 'Can I use your bathroom?' and nobody cares. But if you ask, 'Can I use the plop-plop machine?' it always breaks the conversation.”

Ifs Use Humor Care Funny Asks Break Conversation Machines Bathroom Nobody Cares

Author:Dave Attell

“When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.”

Ifs Want Should Matter Humor Funny Asks Causes Touched Touch Me Yes Or No Diarrhea Ticklish

Author:Demetri Martin

“I tried eating vegetarian. I felt like a wimp going into a restaurant. "What do you want to eat sir? Broccoli?" Broccoli's a side dish, folks. Always was, always will be, OK! When they ask me what I want, I say: What do you think I want? This is America. I want a bowl of raw red meat right now.”

Thinking Want Humor Funny America Asks Felt Sides Right Now Eating Red Folks Ask Me Meat Restaurants Vegetarian Bowls Dishes Broccoli Red Meat Wimps Side Dishes

Author:Denis Leary

“My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

Humor Funny Asks Given Sex Nice Doors Advice Dad My Dad Upset Mum Secretary Bedroom Bike Best Times Best Advice

Author:Jimmy Carr

“A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."”

Men Humor Funny Asks Wife Photograph Boots Prescriptions Chemist Viagra

Author:Frank Carson

“A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."”

Men Firsts Humor Funny Guy Turns Next Asks Happened He Man Lucky Window Glasses Covered Toes Lucky You Bandages

Author:Frank Carson

“A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"”

Humor Funny Girl Three Asks Months Doctors Forgotten Ignorant Pills Contradictory Three Months

Author:Frank Carson

“Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.”

Thinking Long Stills Humor Funny Asks Wife Let Me Died My Wife

Author:Frankie Boyle

“A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!”

Men Years Humor Funny Asks Rooms Crowds Hey

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".”

Home Humor Funny Guy Asks Streets One Day Coming Home Underwear Jogging

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."”

Men Wells Problem Humor Seems Funny Asks Walks Five He Man Fit Office Doctors Gloves Trousers

Author:Tommy Cooper

“Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'”

Men Humor Funny Girl Asks One Day My Friends Ask Me That Girl One Day At A Time

Author:Adam Ferrara

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