Best funny & three Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“Looking back on the event, I find myself thinking there are three approaches to journalism represented here. One is the "cool" approach of traditional journalism, including network broadcasting in which NPR is no exception. One is the "hot" approach of talk radio, which has since expanded to TV sports networks and now Fox TV. The third is the engaged approach of weblogging.”

Thinking Funny Three Sports Events Tvs Approach Thirds Hot Including Radio Traditional Journalism Engaged Thoughtful Exception Looking Back Foxes Blogging Broadcasting Talk Radio Npr

Author:David "Doc" Searls

“Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound.”

Two Humor Funny Three Cities Worry Study Heard New York Train Flesh Wounds Hey Phrases New York City Taxi

Author:David Letterman

“Apparently there are three levels of brain activity. Level 1 is the lowest level - the amount of concentration required to, say, delete emails or serve in congress.”

Funny Science Three Levels Brain Amount Activity Congress Concentration Lowest Email

Author:W. Bruce Cameron

“Well what's funny is, again, people say they believed what was going on, but again, Bob's hands are about three times bigger than his feet. So these are very caricatured.”

People Wells Hands Funny Three Feet Bigger Bob Three Times

Author:Brad Bird

“Two people getting together to write a book is like three people getting together to have a baby. One of them is superfluous.”

People Writing Two Book Funny Together Three Baby Superfluous

Author:George Bernard Shaw

“If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.”

Ifs Men Humor Funny Three Serious Type Dinner Salad Lettuce

Author:Rita Rudner

“I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.”

Ifs Want I Can Humor Funny Three House Left Practice Apples Routine Screws Screw Ups Jugglers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.”

Humor Funny Three House Equal Shining Comedian Hotel Vegas Las Vegas Bounce Shampoo

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."”

Needs Feels Wells Humor Funny Form Three Pieces Four Cutting Middle Members Clubs Circles Bread Ems Chips Sandwiches Dump Triangles Toothpicks Stipulations

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard. The mailman will get shot, the envelope will not seal, the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. The final payment must be made in wampum.”

Made Hard Humor Funny Three Easy Four Tvs Products Shots Finals Available Complicated Stamps Payment Seals Envelopes Denominations Mailman

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.”

Wells Humor Funny Three Minutes Bed Yeah Size Blow Stores Ass Kicks Zero Seconds Bedroom Mattresses

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!”

Ifs Knows Way Humor Light Wanted Funny Turns Three Break Opposites Mess Brighter Bulbs Light Bulb Three Ways

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!”

People Ifs Knows Two Humor Seems Care Funny Three Next Names Waiting Answers Party Happened Missing Calling Yeah Busy Lists Hungry Restaurants

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Montreal leads Atlanta by three, 5-1.”

Humor Funny Three Baseball Atlanta Montreal

Author:Jerry Coleman

“The Concorde is great. It gives you three extra hours to find your luggage.”

Giving Humor Funny Three Hours Extras Luggage Concorde

Author:Bob Hope

“Another foreign-policy triumph for Reagan was his 1984 visit to China, where he met for more than three hours with Mao Zedong before realizing that Mao was dead.”

Funny Three Realizing Hours Policy Mets China Triumph Foreign Policy Mao Reaganomics

Book:Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States

Source: Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States

“You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.”

Littles Whole Humor Funny Order Three Bits Little Bit Philosophical Remains Legs Eight Pity Bitter Confused Hunting Spiders Prey Convincing Squirrels Venom Ukrainian Samaritans

Author:Bill Bailey

“I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.”

Thinking Knows Humor Funny Three Causes Voice Talking Gay Sorry Ass Do You Know One Time I'm Sorry Three Times Sandwiches Dave Being Gay Homophobic Cucumbers Voices In My Head

Author:Dave Attell

“Now I'm not an expert at mathematics, but I calculated it would take at least three of me to take on one third of one of them, even if they were attacking me with just their arse.”

Ifs Humor Funny Three Thirds Mathematics Experts Attacking Arses

Author:Dylan Moran

“A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."”

Men Said Feelings Humor Funny Three Walks Minutes He Man Doctors Sorry Eggs Hospitals Saying Sorry

Author:Frank Carson

“A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"”

Humor Funny Girl Three Asks Months Doctors Forgotten Ignorant Pills Contradictory Three Months

Author:Frank Carson

“The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.”

Men Humor Funny Three Millions Cost Six Dollars Million Dollars

Author:Frank Carson

“The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.”

Way Has Beens Humor Funny Three Bits Waiting Nice Dog Planning Owners Diamond Could Have Been Propose

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"”

People Trying Years Two Book Ideas Humor Funny Three Proud Conversation Pages Hundred Hey No Idea Fifty Three Years Now And Then Proud Of Myself

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would have puppets.”

Ifs Two Country Humor Would Be Funny Jobs Three Drug Dependent Testing Puppets

Author:Marc Maron

“At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.”

Humor Funny Lasts Three Sex Church Catholic Weekend Apartment Cleaning Friday Request Catholic Church Rio Rio De Janeiro

Author:Tina Fey

“I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.”

Men Humor Funny Three Hours Secret Magazines Victoria Victoria's Secret

Author:Adam Ferrara

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