Best funny & guy Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“I'm the biggest nerd - I love comic books and stuff like that! I don't have any friends who are actresses. I only had one girlfriend when I was growing up. Most of my friends were boys. I was such a tomboy. I enjoyed doing guy things.”

Book Funny Guy Stuff Boys Growing Up Growing My Friends Actresses Comic Enjoyed Girlfriend Comic Book Nerd

Author:Megan Fox

“I like funny guys and those, for some reason, tend to be nerdy guys.”

Reason Funny Guy Nerdy Funny Guy

Author:Megan Fox

“I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide.”

Men Want Should Humor Funny Guy Turns Race Feet Car Window Radio Circles Drivers Keep Going Tides Slow Down Bugs Turn-on Passengers Race Car

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.”

People Ifs Way Said Humor Hands Would Be Funny Night Guy Praying Gun Knees Every Night Ufo Alabama Shotguns Abduction

Author:Bill Hicks

“I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.”

Humor Funny Guy Comedy Conversation Stand Up Comedy Escalators

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“There's an old saying among scientific guys: "You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs, ideally by dropping a cement truck on them from a crane."”

Funny Science Guy Eggs Truck Dropping Cement Old Saying Cranes Omelets Breaking Eggs

Author:Dave Barry

“I'm here to shine a bright light. I'm not here to be a guy of death. I just like 'KD' better.”

Light Funny Guy Shining Nba Bright Lights

Author:Kevin Durant

“Christian is going to be the strongest man in the NBA next year, because all he's been doing all summer is carrying around the luggage for 11 guys.”

Men Years Christian Funny Guy Next Summer Nba Strongest Next Year Luggage

Author:Charles Barkley

“The guys on the stunt team are really fantastic. It's really funny, because for all the aggression they have to display on screen, they're actually really happy, good- natured people.”

People Funny Guy Team Screens Fantastic Display Aggression Really Happy

Author:Miranda Otto

“I was glad to see Italy win. All the guys on the team were Italians.”

Funny Guy Winning Team Glad

Author:Tommy Lasorda

“Big story at the Olympics regarding Michael Phelps. He stepped out with his girlfriend for the first time. She is a 25-year-old model from Los Angeles. Like every other model in L.A., She's dating an older retired guy. What's going on?”

Years Firsts Stories Bigs Funny Guy Models First Time Dating Girlfriend Los Angeles Olympics Retired London Olympics

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years.”

People Ifs Years Wells Has Beens Reason Funny Guy Five Shapes Five Years Olympics That Guy London Olympics

Author:Conan O'Brien

“Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets.”

Looks Funny America Guy Father Team Uniforms Olympics Founding Our Founding Fathers London Olympics

Author:David Letterman

“Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.”

Ifs Humor Funny Guy Ass Pants Dressings

Author:Kristen Schaal

“I know quickly whether a guy is boyfriend material. If I can have a good time doing absolutely nothing with him, then that's boyfriend material for me. Like if we're able to have fun at a gas station. I've had some really good times at gas stations.”

Ifs Knows I Can Able Funny Guy Fun Materials Having Fun Cute Gas Good Times Stations Having A Good Time Boyfriend Absolutely Nothing Gas Stations

Author:Alyson Hannigan

“Yeah, I had it all mapped out actually. Seriously. I wrote it down. I said, 'When I'm the head coach of the Eagles, I'm going to make sure I get that guy on my team.' And then guy next to me was like, 'You're only the offensive coordinator at New Hampshire.' I said, 'Don't worry about it. Minor details. But it's going to work.'”

Said Funny Guy Next Worry Team Like You Yeah Details Coaches Nfl Minors Offensive Going To Work Eagles That Guy Hampshire New Hampshire Head Coaches Coordinator

Author:Chip Kelly

“Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.”

Two Humor Funny Lasts Guy Week Walking Cemetery Shovels Two Guys

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit”

Humor Funny Lasts Guy Wife Shoes My Wife Pairs Drivers Deer Zoos Pair Of Shoes Dashboards

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, "Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers?" Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really good point, they should... fix that. It's good to know that somebody finally gets me!”

Knows Should Humor Hands Funny Guy Humour Get Up Linked Shared Experiences Restroom Dryers Hahaha

Author:Bo Burnham

“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

Ifs Said Humor Running Funny Moving Guy My Own Fire Comedy Legs Block Gambling This Guy Exit Own Business Casinos Mind Your Own Business Minding My Own Business

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”

Trying Humor Funny Guy Comedy Weak Midget Turtlenecks

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.”

Humor Funny Guy Computer Cat Bills Gates Bad Guys Persian Bond Movie James Bond Movie Monocles

Author:Dennis Miller

“I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?”

Thinking Firsts Humor Funny Guy Radio Interviews Stations This Guy Djs Really Deep

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.”

Ifs Humor Funny Guy Heard Jokes I Realized Ridiculous Cherries Tomatoes

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"”

People Long Use Humor Funny Mother Guy Found Wish Hair Drug Daughter Longing Excited Extremes Stranger Smell Cake Associates That Guy Long Hair Flour Drug Use

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.”

Humor Funny Guy Building Other Guys Elevators

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"”

Said Humor Running Funny Moving Guy Hell Caught Bars Hey Hats Pairs Nerves Apologizing Rude Caught Up This Guy Accessories Go To Hell Sunglasses Mustache Hey You Earrings Ponytails

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, "Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!"”

Thinking Needs Said Humor Funny Guy Scripts Likes Copies Screws

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."”

Knows Mind Humor Funny Guy Lost Crazy Mouths Sane That Guy Straws

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"”

Thinking Knows Problem Humor Funny Guy Audience Laughing Jokes That Guy Distinctive

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.”

Ifs Mind Humor Funny Guy Turns Hot Add Hey Heat Hotel Onions Carrots Tubs Hot Tub

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."”

Ifs Knows Shows Humor Happens Funny Guy Winning Happened Advertising Choke Advertisements Hamburgers Casinos

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice. "I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'"”

Ifs Humor Funny Guy Found Millions Dollars Charity Smallest Pie Pizza Million Dollars Donate

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.”

Humor Funny Guy Saws Needed Chains Annoying Juggling

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.”

Knows Looks Mean Humor Hands Funny Guy Next Eating Bars Next Time Candy Candy Bar

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.”

People Thinking Two Humor Funny Guy House Tvs Sitting Bedroom Other Guys Sitting Around Ovens Watching Tv Bedroom House

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.”

Thinking Men Humor Funny Guy Names Nice Lists Contact Nice Guy

Author:Rita Rudner

“That big guy, Winfield, at 6'6", can do things only a small man can do.”

Men Humor Bigs Funny Guy Can Do Baseball Big Guys Small Man

Author:Jerry Coleman

“Zane Smith is a guy who can shut you out as well as look at you.”

Wells Looks Humor Funny Guy Baseball

Author:Jerry Coleman

“Well, I hope before Glenn goes, he'll come up here so we can give him a big hug and a kiss, because that's the kind of guy he is.”

Giving Wells Kind Humor Bigs Funny Guy Kissing Baseball Come Up Hug

Author:Jerry Coleman

“According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn't drink now does.”

Doe Humor Funny Guy Drink Abuse Alcohol Brands Reports Ireland Brand New Alcohol Abuse

Author:Conan O'Brien

“I will probably have sex with Eminem after the show is over. Probably, I dont see why I wouldnt. Im fair game, its not like Im that picky, youve seen the guys Ive dated. I like Swizz Beatz, just because I would like to yell out in bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep it coming!”

Shows Humor Funny Guy Games Sex Bed Fairs Picky Fair Game

Author:Chelsea Handler

“I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.”

Ifs I Can Humor Funny Guy Speak Rooms Stage Right Now Empty Blow Tonight Empty Stage

Author:Bill Hicks

“I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.”

Knows Doe Humor Funny Guy Morning Worry Know How Ridiculous Awake Ridiculous Things

Author:Billy Connolly

“Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.”

Thinking Should Firsts Humor Funny Guy Clear Connections Addiction Presidential Council Junkie Soda

Author:Chris Rock

“You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!”

Ifs Knows Problem Humor Funny Guy Sun Clubs Daytime

Author:Chris Rock

“Are we so desperate for entertainment that we will fall for a Trickless magician?? Saw a woman in half. Pull a rabbit out of a hat. Do something! What tricks does this guy have? "I'm in a box...and I ain't gonna eat.". "I'm in a box... and I ain't gonna eat!!" That ain't no trick! That's called living in the projects!”

Doe Humor Funny Guy Fall Half Saws Projects Boxes Entertainment Tricks Desperate Hats This Guy Magician Rabbits

Author:Chris Rock

“Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.”

Humor Funny Guy Fun Morning Laughing Bed Girlfriend Monkeys Catching Other Guys Kicking Calories Your Girlfriend Midget

Author:Dave Attell

“You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."”

Wells Stories Humor Funny Guy Land Mines Arms Legs Snow Teeth Bottles Whiskey Taffy

Author:Dave Attell

“In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"”

World Looks Humor Funny Beautiful Guy Decision Minutes New York Twenties Urgent Beautiful Women Craziest Most Beautiful Woman In The World

Author:David Cross

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