“I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."” SaidHumorFunnyGuySawsDoorsNewsPercentHundredGood NewsExitUnderestimated Author:Demetri Martin
“Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: "I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing."” FeelsLooksImportantSelfHumorFunnyGuyLostMonthsDisciplineImportant ThingsSevenFatsFeel GoodPoundsComing OutSelf DisciplineHostageLebanonI Feel GoodSeven Months Author:Denis Leary
“It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever.” WayTryingHumorFunnyGuyDealsEffectsDrinkingSnowballSnowball Effect Author:Denis Leary
“"Yeah, well, if you eat red meat, it stays in your colon for fifteen years!" Good! I paid for it; I want it in my ass, okay? I want them to find a meat sweater from my esophagus to my asshole when they open me up in the end! "This guy's covered in meat! He's Meat-Man! He's Meat-Tracheotomy-Man!"” IfsMenWantYearsWellsEndsHumorFunnyGuyRedOkayPaidYeahAssMeatCoveredFifteenThis GuySweatersFifteen YearsRed Meat Author:Denis Leary
“You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, and he arrives with a sandwich! And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"” ThinkingHumorFunnyGuyMagicLandButtonsMonkeysSandwichesTrays Author:Dylan Moran
“There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?” IfsThinkingFirstsSaidTwoHumorHappensFunnyGuyWorryHappeningsFaultsGirlfriendTwo ThingsOne TimeOther GuysSexuallyMy Girlfriend Author:Jimmy Carr
“You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!” GivingHumorFunnyGuyWifeNormalIdiot Author:Jeff Foxworthy
“A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."” MenFirstsHumorFunnyGuyTurnsNextAsksHappenedHe ManLuckyWindowGlassesCoveredToesLucky YouBandages Author:Frank Carson
“On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.” HumorFunnyNightGuyDoorsFrontsKeysTownsClockScottishFront Doors Author:Frankie Boyle
“When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.” HumorFunnyGuyHeardBagsGucciCristiano Ronaldo Author:Frankie Boyle
“Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?” PersonsHumorFunnyGuyBlackWhiteOkayMatesPrimatesNot OkayBlack Guys Author:Frankie Boyle
“Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.” WantWritingStillsHumorFunnyGuyTownsNeighborCardsOver ItApartmentFlipRiflesPostcards Author:Jim Gaffigan
“Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"” ThinkingKnowsMeanHas BeensHomeHumorSchoolFunnyGuyTvsHigh SchoolSittingPopeThat GuyJerkPolandWatching Tv Author:Jim Gaffigan
“I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing - unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?'” LooksHumorFunnyGuyTurnsBonesHeyCuteShirtsLook At MeT ShirtJust Saying Author:Marc Maron
“I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way - I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once - I'm still winning.” IfsThinkingWayYearsPersonsStillsHumorFunnyUsedSpiritGuyWinningSexMillionsWifeHappenedMiracleMathematicsSevenCancerMy WifeMathUsed To BeJealousScrewsSeven YearsPlagueOther GuysBeing JealousNot Jealous Author:Marc Maron
“God doesn't seem to talk to people like he used to. Who's he talking to now? I don't know. Then I'm walking down the street in Manhattan one day, and I realize maybe it's those guys you see walking down the street talking to themselves. You know, those guys that are like, 'I can't! No, I can't!' Maybe the other side of that conversation is God going, 'You're the new leader.' 'No I can't!' They're not crazy - they're reluctant prophets.” PeopleKnowsI CanHumorSeemsFunnyUsedGuySidesRealizingTalkingLeaderCrazyStreetsWalkingOne DayConversationProphetManhattanReluctant Author:Marc Maron
“I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.” KnowsHumorFunnyLastsGuyCuttingWifeWeekMonthsCoupleMy WifeNo Respect Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".” HomeHumorFunnyGuyAsksStreetsOne DayComing HomeUnderwearJogging Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."” SaidHumorFunnyGuyWifeCarMy WifeStoresPlatesLicenseHeadingsLicense Plate Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.” TwoHumorFunnyGuyHours Author:Rodney Dangerfield
“So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."” WantSaidHumorCareFunnyGuyStarsDon't CareI Don't CareShopsPetVinesAquariumsGoldfish Author:Tim Vine
“A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.” MenGivingHumorFunnyGuyWalksBarsShouldersLumpsPubsPintsAsphalt Author:Tommy Cooper
“Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it'” MenSaidHumorFunnyGuyNextArmsDrinkSittingBarsHeySleevesHey You Author:Tommy Cooper
“It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.” PlayHumorFunnyFilmGuyWalksRolesWifeCastsRuinsThat GuyRevolver Author:Tina Fey
“... years of insanity have made this guy crazy!” YearsMadeHumorFunnyGuyCrazyInsanityThis Guy Author:Woody Allen
“I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.” IdeasHumorFunnyGuyHouseVoiceHoursPartyImagineCrazyThousandHundredLonelyRadioGood TimesRoofSoothingTalk RadioStackingStir Crazy Author:Adam Carolla
“He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.” DoneHumorFunnyGuySoundThreesome Author:Adam Carolla
“If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'” PeopleIfsThinkingKnowsYearsLooksHumorFunnyGuyGroupsJewDesertMapsMoses Author:Adam Ferrara
“My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam - uh, don't kiss guys.'” GivingHumorFunnyGuyFatherSexRoomsKissingGive MeAdam Author:Adam Ferrara
“Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.” NeedsImportantStoriesHumorFunnyGuySex Author:Adam Ferrara