Best funny & persons Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings

“The central point of this final chapter is that - follow my logic carefully here - unless you die, you will continue to get older. (It's insights like this that separate the professional book author from the person with a real job.)”

Persons Book Real Funny Jobs Dies Logic Finals Insight Chapters Real Jobs

Book:Dave Barry Turns Forty

Source: Dave Barry Turns Forty

“The more popular a person thinks he is in the blogosphere, the thinner his skin and the thicker his hypocrisy. This should be exactly the opposite: the higher you go the thicker the skin and thinner the hypocrisy.”

Thinking Should Persons Funny Higher Skins Opposites Thoughtful Hypocrisy Blogging

Author:Guy Kawasaki

“Zac Efron is my obsession, we're the same person. We're not actually here, it's like Janet and Michael Jackson. He just puts on his wig and a dress, and it's me, and you don't know that. It's one of the greatest mysteries of all time.”

Knows Persons Funny Mystery Dresses Obsession All Time Wigs

Author:Megan Fox

“An insincere critic of a sincere person never wins.”

Persons Funny Winning Critics Sincere Hater Insincere

Book:Killosophy

Source: Killosophy

“I would recommend to those persons who are inclined to stagnate, whose blood is beginning to thicken sluggishly in their veins, to try keeping four dogs, two of which are puppies.”

Trying Persons Two Funny Four Blood Dog Veins Puppy Cute Puppy

Book:Delphi Complete Works of Elizabeth von Arnim (Illustrated)

Source: Delphi Complete Works of Elizabeth von Arnim (Illustrated)

“A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.”

Persons Humor Funny America Law Justice Luck Lawyer Chosen Twelve Favourite Modern World Jury Attorney Law And Justice Justice And Injustice Law Students Judge And Jury

Author:Robert Frost

“If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.”

Ifs Thinking Trying Persons Funny Animal Influence Dog Pet Cowboy Puppy Canine Dog Training Poodle Dogs Man And Dog Funny Dog Dogs And Life Short Dog Dog Best Friend

Author:Will Rogers

“Imagine if you've got the diva of all divas. If we've got to be somewhere at five or six o'clock, I tell her its time to go at noon so she gets those five hours to do what she needs to do. But were both kids at heart. She is the funniest person ever and she has a great sense of humor. We connect at a spiritual level.”

Ifs Needs Heart Persons Kids Funny Spiritual Hours Levels Five Imagine Six Clock Sense Of Humor Noon Kid At Heart

Author:Nick Cannon

“I probably am a cranky writer, but I am actually a fairly nice, normal person. Since I'm a grouchy writer, of course I have friends whose books are doing way better than mine.”

Way Persons Book Funny Courses Nice Mines Normal Cranky Grouchy

Author:Sarah Vowell

“Early to bed and early to rise makes a person dull, boring, and despised.”

“What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?”

World Persons Funny Psychology Crazy Awareness This World Depression Mad Silly Mental Illness Life And Death Sanity Sane Being Crazy Insanity And Sanity Mad World Insane World

Book:The Lathe Of Heaven: A Novel

Source: The Lathe Of Heaven: A Novel

“" ... It is not my desire to wound the feelings of any person with whom I am connected in family bonds. I may be a hypocrite," said Mr. Pecksniff, cuttingly, "but I am not a brute."”

May Persons Said Feelings Funny Desire Humorous Connected Wounds Hypocrite Brutes Family Bond

Book:The Life and Adventures of Martin Chuzzlewit

Source: The Life and Adventures of Martin Chuzzlewit

“This person called up and said, You've got to come and take this seminar. It will completely change your life in just one weekend. And I said, Well, I don't want to completely change my life this weekend. I've got a lot of things to do on Monday.”

Want Wells Persons Said Funny Smart Clever Things To Do Just One Weekend Monday Changing Your Life Changing My Life Seminars

Author:Rick Fields

“This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has "deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill Person School.”

“Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"”

Persons Doe Humor Funny Gone Scared Disappear Print Toms Magician Flyers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"”

Way Persons Helping Humor Hands Running Funny Chance Fire Figures Bears Authority My Friends Woods Intense Forests Ran Acid Swearing Forest Fires Authority Figures

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.”

Ifs Wells Children Persons Humor Funny Pain Lying Five Truth Is Telling The Truth Ems Truthful Only Time Children Love

Author:Bill Cosby

“So if you're black or brown, you can make money in America, you can get rich in America... but whatever you decide to do, it better be positive, 'cause if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed. You see Oprah, she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.”

Ifs Giving Persons Humor Funny America Causes Black Rich Destroyed Making Money Brown Feds Get Rich Being Positive

Author:Chris Rock

“You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts...' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.”

Thinking Knows Persons Has Beens Art Humor Funny Talking Nice Modern Like You Listening Europe Theater Yeah Critical Germany Affable

Author:Dylan Moran

“I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.”

Knows Want Persons Humor Funny Indecisive

Author:Dylan Moran

“Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"”

Men Wells Looks Persons Done Humor Funny Havens He Man Taxes Paid Mirrors Court Excuse Trust Me Excuse Me

Author:Lewis Black

“Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor.”

Ifs Mean Persons Humor Funny Actors Winning Tonight Good Person Good Actors

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?”

Persons Humor Funny Guy Black White Okay Mates Primates Not Okay Black Guys

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."”

Persons Sometimes Humor Running Funny Night Hours Trouble Late Busy Smell Smoke Lazy Weekend Showers Monday Friday Friday Night Being Lazy 48 Hours Running Late

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way - I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once - I'm still winning.”

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