Quotessence
Home / Topics / Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

Browse 13923 quotes about Funny.

Related topics

HumorIfsHumorousPeopleMenInspirationalComedyWittyKnowsThinkingWantSaidLifeWaySarcasticTwoYearsLooksFirstsWorldShouldWellsGuyGivingStupidDogBaseballKidsLoveChildrenI CanMoneyNeedsDumbTryingSexBookLittlesLongMadeLastsPoliticsWomenStillsDoeFeelsPersonsAgeFunny InspirationalMilitaryMayEnoughMeanPlayWifeThreeUsedComedianHomeFunShowsWritingGirlHilariousMarriageUseNightKindRunningAmericaHas BeensSchoolWould BeBelieveSillySportsJokesLaughterSarcasmHouseBigsEndsCarDrinkHandsSailingHardScienceNextBabyMindSometimesWisdomDiesGraduationLaughingNamesRememberAsksWantedmore

Funny Quotes

“I'm not going to retire because I want the money. We want honest athletes, but at the same time, you're going to have people saying, 'He's so greedy. He's made X amount of money, and he has to take that last little bit.' Yes, I do have to take that last little bit. I'm sorry if that is frustrating to some, but if they were in my shoes, they would do exactly the same thing.”

PeopleIfsWantLittlesMadeFunnyLastsBitsHonestAmountLittle BitSorryShoesAthleteNbaRetiringI'm SorryGreedyFrustrating
Author:Steve Nash
Create image

“He was drunk upon the average once a day, and penitent upon an equally fair calculation once a month; and when he was penitent, he was invariably in the very last stage of maudlin intoxication. He was a ragged, roving, roaring kind of fellow, with a burly form, a sharp wit, and a ready head, and could turn his hand to anything when he chose to do it.”

KindHandsFunnyLastsFormTurnsStageReadyMonthsHumorousFairsFellowsAverageWitDrunkCalculationsIntoxicationRoaringRaggedRoving
Book:The Works of Charles Dickens: Sketches by Boz : illustrative of every day life and everyday people. 1903
Create image

“Upon looking back from the end of the last chapter and surveying the texture of what has been wrote, it is necessary, that upon this page and the five following, a good quantity of heterogeneous matter be inserted, to keep up that just balance betwixt wisdom and folly, without which a book would not hold together a single year.”

YearsHas BeensBookEndsMatterFunnyTogetherLastsFiveBalancePagesSurpriseFollowingFollyQuantityChaptersLooking BackTexture
Book:The Works of Laurence Sterne, in One Volume
Create image

“Every American, to the last man, lays claim to a "sense" of humor and guards it as his most significant spiritual trait, yet rejects humor as a contaminating element wherever found. America is a nation of comics and comedians; nevertheless, humor has no stature and is accepted only after the death of the perpetrator.”

MenFunnyLastsAmericaSpiritualFoundNationsElementsClaimsLaysAcceptedSignificantComedianRejectsSense Of HumorTraitsNeverthelessStaturePerpetrators
Author:E. B. White
Create image

“Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.”

KindCountryMomentsDreamHumorFunnyLastsPoorQualityBrokenColdLateEnglandBottomWeatherHolidayOnlineWildernessRetirementPieGreyPollsQuality Of LifePublic ServiceEuropean CountriesBroken DreamsHealth ServicesPoor Health
Author:Bill Bailey
Create image

“Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.”

PeopleFirstsWellsChildrenHumorSeemsMightAgeFunnyLastsSufferingFatherBabyAbuseVictimMereThese DaysFortySparesReducingLiftingStrawsDiskCuffsVerbal Abuse
Book:The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee
Create image