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Funny Quotes

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Funny Quotes

“The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose - for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.”

HumansTwoHumorSeemsFunnyPurposeHuman BeingsAnimalPartyGreaterExampleCapacityDinnerInventionBoredomBoresEpicMetaphysicsDinner PartyEpic Poems
Book:Minority Report
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“My grandfather once told me that there were two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit. He told me to try to be in the first group; there was much less competition.”

PeopleTryingFirstsKindTwoFunnySuccessLeadershipWorkGroupsHard WorkPoliticianSucceedHumorousLaborCompetitionWittyEducationalCreditMinistersBeing SuccessfulGrandfatherGood WorkFatherhoodGrandparentKey To SuccessMy GrandfatherRoad To SuccessRecipe For SuccessGrandpaMotivational WorkLabor DayHard Work Pays OffIgnorance Is BlissGreat GrandfatherGreat GrandparentsMay DayLabour DayHard Work MotivationalHappy Labor DayLabor Day WishesFathers And GrandfathersValue Of Hard WorkWork Appreciation
Author:Indira Gandhi
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“The Democrats are going to change the name of the Hoover Dam. That is the silliest thing I ever heard of in politics . . . Lord if they feel that way about it, I don't see why they don't just reverse the two words.”

IfsWayFeelsTwoHumorFunnyNamesPartyLordHeardRepublicanHumorousDemocratReverseDamsHooverHoover Dam
Book:Will Rogers Speaks: Over 1,000 Timeless Quotations for Public Speakers (writers, Politicians, Comedians, Browsers ...)
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“Unfortunately, once I did learn to smoke, I couldn't stop. I escalated to two packs a day very quickly, and stayed that way for about ten years. When I decided to stop, I adopted the method that my father had used when he quit. He would carry a cigarette in his shirt pocket, and every time he felt like smoking, he would pull out the cigarette and confront it: "Who stronger? You? Me?" Always the answer was the same: "I stronger." Back the cigarette would go, until the next craving. It worked for him, and it worked for me.”

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Author:Kirk Douglas
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“As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”

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Author:Buddy Hackett
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“Indeed, it may be laid down as a general principle, that the more extended the ancestry, the greater the amount of violence and vagabondism; for in ancient days those two amusements, combining a wholesome excitement with a promising means of repairing shattered fortunes, were at once the ennobling pursuit and the healthful recreation of the Quality of this land.”

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Book:The Life and Adventures of Martin Chuzzlewit
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“Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"”

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Author:Mitch Hedberg
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“I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'." That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!”

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Author:Mitch Hedberg
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“You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!”

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Author:Mitch Hedberg
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