Best Comedian Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 22

“I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.”

Giving Funny America Political Chance Money Give Me Comedian Usa Visiting One Liner Give Me A Chance

Author:Bob Hope

“It's now very common to hear people say 'I'm rather offended by that'.”

People Common Comedian Free Speech Freedom Of Speech Complaints Offended Offence Complainers Whiners

Author:Stephen Fry

“Sure, the comedians who swear or use scatological humor can get laughs, but they're uncomfortable laughs.”

Use Humor Laughing Comedian Uncomfortable Swear

Author:John Ratzenberger

“Joke number 1, I have a bit of a problem with jokes, bit of a handicap for a comedian obviously, um, I tend to bail out of the joke, I lose commitment in it, I'll give you an example: Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.”

Giving Littles Whole Problem Three Bits Loses Numbers Stupid Example Scene Little Bit Jokes Commitment Comedian Tedious Inevitability Pubs Handicaps Blokes Bail

Author:Bill Bailey

“There are a couple of things I want to impart to ladies who want to be in comedy: One, you don’t have to be weird or be quirky to get your job done. And two, comedy skill is not sexually transmittable. You do not have to sleep with a comedian to learn what you’re doing. Male comedians will not like that advice, but it is the truth.”

Want Two Done Jobs Sleep Comedy Advice Couple Skills Males Comedian Sexually Impart Quirky

Author:Tina Fey

“Once or twice I`ve been described as a light comedian. I consider this the most accurate description of my abilities I`ve ever seen.”

Light Ability Comedian Description Accurate

Author:Bing Crosby

“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment”

People Funny Sound Seeing Humorous Envy Actresses Punishment Comedian Jealousy Vacation Drag Considering Day Entertainers Social Network

Author:Betty White

“Some comedians love their characters. I don't fall in love with mine. In fact, I get tired of them very fast. You have to be willing to throw it all away.”

Character Facts Fall Mines Willing Tired Falling In Love Comedian Don't Fall In Love

Author:John Belushi

“I’m a comedian who got into movies, so I don’t really think of myself as an actor.”

Thinking Actors Comedian

Author:Eddie Murphy

“My mom is two people to me. She's my mom number one, and then she's this lady most comedians know as being a legendary owner of a nightclub that's responsible for starting a lot of heavy careers.”

People Knows Two Numbers Careers Comedy Mom Responsible Starting Heavy My Mom Comedian Owners Legendary Nightclubs

Author:Pauly Shore

“Back when the Bible was written, then edited, then rewritten, then rewritten, then re-edited, then translated from dead languages, then re-translated, then edited, then rewritten, then given to kings for them to take their favorite parts, then rewritten, then re-rewritten, then translated again, then given to the pope for him to approve, then rewritten, then edited again, the re-re-re-re-rewritten again...all based on stories that were told orally 30 to 90 years AFTER they happened.. to people who didnt know how to write... so...”

People Knows Writing Years Stories Language Given Know How Written Happened Kings Bible Scripture Comedian Translate Editing Pope Back When Humorists Rewriting Edited Bible Stories

Author:David Cross

“Avoid using the word 'very' because it's lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don't use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason boys - to woo women - and in that endeavor, laziness will not do.”

Men Reason Use Language Boys Sad Tired Comedian Lazy Endeavor Laziness Exhausted Avoiding Humorists Spoken Word Very Sad Wooing Morose Dead Poets Society Wording Dead Poets

Author:Robin Williams

“Jesse has opened for me extensively on the road so I’ve seen him do hundreds of sets. He is always super funny, has tons of material and the crowds love him. Bottom line, Jesse Joyce is a great comedian.”

Lines Materials Bottom Crowds Comedian Bottom Line Joyce Super Funny

Author:Greg Giraldo

“But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.”

Thinking Men Way Kind Body Funny Grows Women Baby Men And Women Miracle Males Comedian Compare Contribution Embarrassing

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.”

Giving Writing Kind Littles Inspire Comedian Assignments

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.”

Writing Happens Certain Class Plans Middle Mines Type Jokes Comedian Middle Class Rude Juvenile

Author:Jimmy Carr

“I would probably be a teacher if I weren't a comedian.”

Ifs Teacher Comedian

Author:Brad Garrett

“There is no more terrible fate for a comedian than to be taken seriously.”

Taken Fate Terrible Comedian

Author:Barry Humphries

“Comedians are really writers who don't have pens and pencils about them, but they riff.”

Comedian Pens Pencils

Author:Carl Reiner

“I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.”

Ifs Believe Hate I Believe One Thing Honest Mets I Hate I Believe In Being Honest Comedian Things I Hate

Author:Jack Benny

“My soul is not contained within the limits of my body; my body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul.”

Soul Body Limits My Soul Comedian Containing

Author:Jim Carrey

“My father could have been a great comedian, but he didn't believe that that was possible for him, and so he made a conservative choice. Instead, he got a safe job as an accountant. When I was 12 years old, he was let go from that safe job, and our family had to do whatever we could to survive. I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which was that you can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.”

“All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.”

Years Shows Humor Funny Laughter Forgotten Comedian Echoes Aggravation Limbo

Book:Treadmill to Oblivion

Source: Treadmill to Oblivion

“You can't do anything to be funny. That's cringeworthy. If your humor comes out of a place of love every time, you don't make the joke bigger than you. The funniest comedians are in touch with their emotional level.”

Ifs Levels Emotional Jokes Bigger Comedian

Author:John Krasinski

“Look at what you could have won!”

Looks Games Winning Television Comedian Prize Darts Bullseye

Author:Jim Bowen

“When you do late-night TV, you do different jokes in the same place every night. When you're on the road as a comedian, you do the same jokes in a different place every night.”

Different Night Tvs Late Jokes Comedian Every Night Different Place Late Night

Author:Jay Leno

“What really got my goat at MGM were comedians like The Marx Brothers who never wrote their own jokes.”

Brother Jokes Comedian Goats Mgm Marx Brothers

Author:Buster Keaton

“A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.”

Doe Comedian Funny Things

Author:Buster Keaton

“I don't consider myself a comedian because I don't really concern myself too much with jokes.”

Too Much Jokes Concern Comedian

Author:Paul Rudd

“The violence or the vaudeville style of comedy is a technique all by itself. You get up there, and you are a comedian, and you're doing one thing. That is, you're going to make the audience laugh.”

Audience Laughing Comedy Violence One Thing Style Technique Get Up Comedian Vaudeville

Author:Leslie Nielsen

“Oh yeah, I'd love to be a comedian. I've done a lot, but always in the confines of plays.”

Done Play Yeah Comedian

Author:Michael Gambon

“I am a comedian and you guys know whatever I say, I don't mean any of it.”

Knows Mean Guy Comedian

Author:Jamie Foxx

“I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.”

Creative Comedian Be Creative Being Funny Stand Up Comedian

Author:Chris Tucker

“I wanted to do - there was this film called 'Magic' that Anthony Hopkins did. And the director wanted me. The writer wanted me. Joe Levine said no, I don't want any comedians in this.”

Want Said Wanted Film Magic Directors Comedian Hopkins

Author:Gene Wilder

“Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want - if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show.”

Ifs Knows Want Giving Shows Winning Effort Fans Musician Percent Red Appreciate Comedian Regions Mail Red Sox Fans

Author:Dane Cook

“Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.”

Ifs Littles Funny Dies Bits Food Cat Smell Comedian Pet Kitten Stink Cat Food

Author:Karl Pilkington

“Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren't free but I'm sure they enjoyed fireworks.”

White Independence Slavery Slave Enjoyed African American Comedian Holiday 4th Of July Independence Day Fireworks Funny Holiday

Author:Chris Rock

“It seems that a lot of people, who haven't known of me as a pianist, think I've just started off as a comedian. And so for them the piano was something extra. But, of course, playing the piano was something that came before all of what's happened now.”

People Thinking Seems Courses Known Happened Havens Comedian Piano Extras Pianist

Author:Dudley Moore

“A comic says funny things. A comedian says things funny.”

Comic Comedian Funny Things

Author:Ed Wynn

“It is better to look good than to feel good.”

Feels Looks Feel Good Comedian Looking Good Physical Appearance

Author:Billy Crystal

“In high school, I was the class comedian as opposed to the class clown. The difference is the class clown is the guy who drops his pants at the football game, the class comedian is the guy who talked him into it.”

School Guy Games Differences Class Football High School Comedian Pants Clown Football Game

Author:Billy Crystal

“I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.”

Ifs Thinking I Can Funny Moral Wall Sitting Comedian Eggs Funny Jokes Humpty Dumpty

Author:Ricky Gervais

“I'm not a comedian. I'm not a show host. I'm a musician. That's why I've turned down offers to host the Grammy Awards and the American Music Awards. Is it really entertaining for me to get up there and crack a few weak jokes and force people to laugh because I'm Michael Jackson, when I know in my heart that I'm not funny?”

People Knows Heart Shows Force Laughing My Heart Offers Musician Jokes Weak Get Up Comedian Cracks Awards Host Entertaining Turned Down Grammy American Music

Author:Michael Jackson

“The trouble with most comedians who try to do satire is that they are essentially brash, noisy and indelicate people who have to use a sledge hammer to smash a butterfly.”

People Trying Use Trouble Comedian Satire Butterfly Hammers Noisy Brash

Author:Imogene Coca

“We should never judge a day by its weather.”

Inspirational Should Judging Singers Weather Producers Comedian Day Judging A Book By Its Cover

Author:Dick Van Dyke

“I remember, when I was in university I studied history, and there was this one major historian of the Third Reich, Ian Kershaw. And his quote was, 'The path to Auschwitz was paved with indifference.' I know it's not very funny being a comedian talking about the Holocaust, but I think it's an interesting idea that not everyone in Germany had to be a raving anti-Semite. They just had to be apathetic.”

Thinking Knows Ideas Remember Interesting Talking Path Majors Thirds University Comedian Indifference Germany Historian Holocaust Remember When Auschwitz Apathetic Interesting Ideas

Author:Sacha Baron Cohen

“But it's fun to be something, have that, and you don't have to be real. It's like, comedians. They go on and they're doing all these jokes. I would be like that if I were more awake”

Ifs Real Would Be Fun Goes On Jokes Comedian Awake Being Real

Author:Parker Posey

“Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!”

Wells Lost Humorous Improvement Comedian Finding Yourself Sarcastic Improving Recipe For Success Predicaments Funny Sarcastic Lost In The Woods

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.”

Opinion Bread Comedian Ducks Humorists

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“The real good comedians, like Chaplin, would make you laugh and a second later, cry”

Real Laughing Cry Comedian Make You Laugh Chaplin

Author:Martin Landau

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