“My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.”
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Famous Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
“I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.”
“It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.”
“I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.”
“I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.”
“My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.”
“I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.”
“My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.”
“My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.”
“My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.”
“My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.”
“I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'”
“Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.”
“Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.”
“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
“My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she's afraid of the light.”
“It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.”
“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
Source: It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs
“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”
“My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”
“My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.”
“My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.”