Best funny & want Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 2

“I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."”

Want Giving Humor Funny Winning Rich Gun Give Me Cute Dimples

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.”

Want Humor Funny Causes Binoculars

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"”

Ifs Thinking Want Needs Looks Use Humor Funny Walks Acting Safe Yeah Hey Shirts Shops Documents Spy Surveillance Spray Fishy

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize". Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.”

Ifs Men Want Humor Would Be Funny Winning Fairs Crafts Prize Handful Jars

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."”

Men Want Said Humor Funny Eight Stores Apples Bags Clerks

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.”

Ifs Want Shows Humor Funny Talk To Me

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting." Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? "Hello? Hold on, man, I'm only on 'Enjoy.' How did you know I was calling? You're good, I can see why they hired you!"”

Knows Men Want I Can Use Humor Funny Enjoy Numbers Company Calling Letters Phones Brands Hello Brand New Did You Know Phone Numbers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"”

Men Way Want Looks Hard Home Humor Would Be Funny Hours Half Cutting Grass Mobile Sneak Repo Man

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop"!”

Want Humor Funny Faces Boxes Pops Rice Snaps Rice Krispies

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.”

Ifs Men Want Play Humor Funny Attention Involved Seasons Get Involved Off Season

Author:Rita Rudner

“You might want to put this in the back of your craw and think about it.”

Thinking Want Humor Might Funny Baseball

Author:Jerry Coleman

“Sunday is Senior Citizens' Day. And if you want to become a senior citizen, just call the Padre ticket office.”

Ifs Want Humor Funny Citizens Office Baseball Sunday Tickets Senior Senior Citizen

Author:Jerry Coleman

“When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.”

Want Trying Stills Humor Funny Legs Beach Grandchildren Veins Pills My Grandchildren

Author:Phyllis Diller

“Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.'”

People Want Humor Would Be Funny Fellows Fancy Swim Farmers Cows Dolphins

Author:Bill Bailey

“When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot: "What the... Get your... I'll put a... Get out of my face!"”

Want Children Humor Funny Faces Father Sound Yeah Angry Idiot Foul Filth

Author:Bill Cosby

“My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.”

Want Looks Humor Funny Mother Hours Rooms Five Mess Want Me Pigs He Wants Me

Author:Bill Cosby

“If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.”

Ifs Want Humor Funny Animal Creatures Horse Wings Add Lions Hawks Mythical Creatures Pegasus

Author:Demetri Martin

“When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.”

Ifs Want Should Matter Humor Funny Asks Causes Touched Touch Me Yes Or No Diarrhea Ticklish

Author:Demetri Martin

“My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.”

Want Humor Funny Car My Friends Judgemental Dork

Author:Demetri Martin

“I tried eating vegetarian. I felt like a wimp going into a restaurant. "What do you want to eat sir? Broccoli?" Broccoli's a side dish, folks. Always was, always will be, OK! When they ask me what I want, I say: What do you think I want? This is America. I want a bowl of raw red meat right now.”

Thinking Want Humor Funny America Asks Felt Sides Right Now Eating Red Folks Ask Me Meat Restaurants Vegetarian Bowls Dishes Broccoli Red Meat Wimps Side Dishes

Author:Denis Leary

“"Yeah, well, if you eat red meat, it stays in your colon for fifteen years!" Good! I paid for it; I want it in my ass, okay? I want them to find a meat sweater from my esophagus to my asshole when they open me up in the end! "This guy's covered in meat! He's Meat-Man! He's Meat-Tracheotomy-Man!"”

Ifs Men Want Years Wells Ends Humor Funny Guy Red Okay Paid Yeah Ass Meat Covered Fifteen This Guy Sweaters Fifteen Years Red Meat

Author:Denis Leary

“People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know... People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move your eyes down to where your nipples used to be, put your breasts up on your head, everybody will pay attention!”

People Ifs Knows Want Wells Humor Eye Funny Moving Used Pay Attention Obvious Used To Be Pay Attention Breasts Why Not Depressing Routes Implants Nipples

Author:Dylan Moran

“I'm quite a compulsive person-I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now.”

Knows Want Persons Humor Funny Indecisive

Author:Dylan Moran

“I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".”

Want Humor Funny Jobs Lost Details Bores Cricket Commentators Bores You

Author:Milton Jones

“That's just something instinctual within men. We always feel like we've got to protect our stuff. Even if it's not worth protecting, we want to protect it. You ever seen people who have like a piece of crap Pinto with a Club on the steering wheel. Somebody breaks the window, steals the Club, leaves the Pinto in a pile of glass.”

People Ifs Men Want Feels Humor Funny Stuff Break Pieces Protect Window Glasses Clubs Stealing Wheels Crap Steering

Author:Jeff Foxworthy

“I just want to apologise for being late. I was flying back from Spain and the air hostess said: "We are two hours late Mr Carson." When I asked why, she said: "The pilot has heard a funny noise in the engine that he doesn't like, so we are waiting on another pilot who can't hear it."”

Want Said Two Humor Funny Waiting Hours Heard Air Late Flying Noise Engines Pilots Spain Hostesses

Author:Frank Carson

“It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."”

Want Said Humor Funny Wife Divorce My Wife Spending Planning Ruth

Author:Frank Carson

“I think I let go of the need for approval. It certainly feels good when you get it, but I used to be more desperate for it. Once I felt better inside about myself... I could do everything based on how I want to do things.”

Thinking Want Needs Feels Humor Funny Used Felt Letting Go Feel Good Used To Be Desperate Approval

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.”

Want Writing Stills Humor Funny Guy Towns Neighbor Cards Over It Apartment Flip Rifles Postcards

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"”

Thinking Knows Want Years Humor Funny Teach Teacher Gym Gym Teacher

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"”

Want Kind Hard Humor Funny Water Drink Shots Yeah Glasses Eight Ems I Am Single

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I feel bad for people who have never been addicted to anything, because they're the real losers. You want to know why? Because they don't know what it's like to really want something - and then get it again and again and again.”

People Knows Want Feels Real Humor Funny Loser Again And Again Want Something

Author:Marc Maron

“It's not all about love. That's half of it... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that.'”

Men Want Kind Moments Dream Humor Funny Dies Half Sick Mirrors Fats Compromise Someday That Moment Other Half Looking In The Mirror

Author:Marc Maron

“The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!”

Want Humor Funny Hell Arms Bears Amendments Second Amendment Right To Bear Arms

Author:Robin Williams

“When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."”

Want Said Humor Kids Funny Parent Five Thousand Dollars Notes They Said No Respect Kidnapped

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'”

Want Said Humor Funny Certain Amount Glory Locals Ice Shops Cream Ice Cream Trousers

Author:Tim Vine

“So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".”

Want Said Humor Funny Locals Complaints Lumps Onions Supermarkets Vinegar

Book:The (Not Quite) Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book: Children's Edition

Source: The (Not Quite) Biggest Ever Tim Vine Joke Book: Children's Edition

“So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."”

Want Said Humor Care Funny Guy Stars Don't Care I Don't Care Shops Pet Vines Aquariums Goldfish

Author:Tim Vine

“This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."”

Want Said Humor Funny Pieces Paper I Want You Pencils Policemen Vines

Author:Tim Vine

“So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.”

Want Wells Said Humor Funny Doors Bed Window Stuck Breakfast

Author:Tommy Cooper

“So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".”

Want Said Humor Funny Train Paris Drivers Dean

Author:Tommy Cooper

“I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."”

Want Shows Humor Reality Funny Disease Sexually Reality Shows Moles Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'”

Ifs Thinking Want Said Humor Funny Lasts Months Couple Mad Girlfriend Fancy My Girlfriend Lingerie

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

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