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P. J. O'Rourke

P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

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Famous P. J. O'Rourke Quotes

“Getting down on all fours and imitating a rhinoceros stops babies from crying. (Put an empty cigarette pack on your nose for a horn and make loud "snort" noises.) I don't know why parents don't do this more often. Usually it makes the kid laugh. Sometimes it sends him into shock. Either way it quiets him down. If you're a parent, acting like a rhino has another advantage. Keep it up until the kid is a teenager and he definitely won't have his friends hanging around your house all the time.”

IfsKnowsWayInspirationalSometimesKidsHouseParentActingLaughingCryBabyMomAdvantageEmptyNoiseTeenagerNosesLoudShockCigarettePacksHornsMy BabyImitatingHaving A BabyHanging AroundFunny ParentingFunny ParentRhinocerosFoursRhinos
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“Anyhow, all mankind's ideas and interests, all human aims and motives, are exhibited, fully formed, in a three-year-old child. The kid is just operating on a smaller scale and lacks the advantage of having made enormous soft-money campaign contributions to political candidates.”

YearsHumansChildrenMadeIdeasKidsPoliticalThreeInterestMankindHumorousAdvantageAimParentingCampaignsScalesEnormousMotiveCandidatesContributionThree YearsThree Year OldsCampaign ContributionsPolitical Candidates
Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus: A Reader
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“The old woman was not only ugly with the ugliness age brings us all but showed signs of formidable ugliness by birth - pickle-jar chin, mainsail ears and a nose like a trigonometry problem. What's more, she had the deep frown and snit wrinkles that come from a lifetime of bad character.”

CharacterProblemAgeBirthEarsLifetimeUglyNosesSarcasticUglinessWrinklesChinsJarsOld WomanFormidablePicklesBad CharacterTrigonometry
Book:Holidays in Hell
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“Some jobs are worse than actual wives. Ad agency vs. Matrimony, for instance: Even the most capricious and demanding spouse is not going to divorce you for refusing to spend forty hours a week making up lies about toilet paper.”

JobsLyingHoursWifeWeekPaperHumorousDivorceAdvertisingInstanceAgencyFortyAdsSpouseToiletsMatrimonyMaking UpCapriciousToilet Paper
Book:The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig
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“It is easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities they do. Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful. Cats are mean for the fun of it. In fact, cats possess so many of the same qualities as people that it is often hard to tell the people and the cats apart.”

PeopleNeedsMeanMadeHardFactsAmericaFunEasyQualityModernDogMaterialsAuthorityCatPetDependentIrresponsibleModern America
Book:Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People
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“You know, if government were a product, selling it would be illegal. ... Government contains impure ingredients - as anybody who's looked at Congress can tell you. ... government practices deceptive advertising. And the merest glance at the federal budget is enough to convict the government of perjury, extortion, and fraud. ... in a nutshell: government should be against the law. Term limits aren't enough. We need jail.”

IfsKnowsNeedsShouldEnoughGovernmentWould BeLawPoliticalTermLibertyPracticeEconomicProductsLimitsEconomicsCongressSellingAdvertisingBudgetsIllegalJailIngredientsFraudGlancesDeceptiveConvictsTerm LimitsPerjuryExtortion
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“The Tenth Commandment sends a message to socialists, to egalitarians, to people obsessed with fairness, to American presidential candidates in the year 2000 - to everyone who believes that wealth should be redistributed. And that message is clear and concise: Go to Hell.”

PeopleShouldYearsBelieveAmericaWealthLibertyHellClearEconomicMessagesEconomicsPresidentialObsessedCandidatesFairnessCommandmentsGo To HellPresidential CandidateAmerican PresidentConcise
Book:Eat the Rich: A Treatise on Economics
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“Freedom is not empowerment. Empowerment is what the Serbs have in Bosnia. Anybody can grab a gun and be empowered. It's not entitlement. An entitlement is what people on welfare get, and how free are they? It's not an endlessly expanding list of rights - the "right" to education, the "right" to food and housing. That's not freedom, that's dependency. Those aren't rights, those are the rations of slavery - hay and a barn for human cattle.”

PeopleHumansLibertyRightsEconomicGunEmpowermentEconomicsSlaveryListsWelfareExpandingHousingEmpoweredEntitlementCattleDependencyBarnsHayBosniaRations
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“Collectivism doesn't work because it's based on a faulty economic premise. There is no such thing as a person's "fair share" of wealth. The gross national product is not a pizza that must be carefully divided because if I get too many slices, you have to eat the box. The economy is expandable and, in any practical sense, limitless.”

IfsPersonsWealthLibertyEconomyShareEconomicProductsFairsBoxesLibertarianPracticalsDividedLibertarianismGrossLimitlessPremisesPizzaCollectivismFair Share
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“We're told cars are wasteful. Wasteful of what? Oil did a lot of good sitting in the ground for millions of years. We're told cars should be replaced with mass transportation. But it's hard to reach the drive-through window at McDonald's from a speeding train. And we're told cars cause pollution. A hundred years ago city streets were ankle deep in horse excrement. What kind of pollution do you want? Would you rather die of cancer at eighty or typhoid fever at nine?”

WantShouldYearsKindHardDiesCausesCitiesLibertyMillionsStreetsCarMassHundredSittingYears AgoWindowHorseTrainCancerOilLibertarianNineLibertarianismPollutionReplacedEightyFeverTransportationMcdonaldsAnklesSpeedingCity StreetsOld CarTyphoid
Author:P. J. O'Rourke
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“[T]he Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock? Peace Corps volunteers? Or maybe the people in Texas were attacked because of child abuse. But, if child abuse was the issue, why didn't Janet Reno tear-gas Woody Allen?”

PeopleIfsThinkingChildrenDoeCountryReligiousHellIssuesRocksTearsGunAbuseBillsClintonAdministrationGasTexasNutsChild AbuseVolunteerGun ControlWoodyPeace CorpsPlymouthPlymouth Rock
Book:Age and Guile Beat Youth, Innocence, and a Bad Haircut
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“Imagine if all of life were determined by majority rule. Every meal would be a pizza. Every pair of pants, even those in a Brooks Brothers suit, would be stone-washed denim. Celebrity diet and exercise books would be the only thing on the shelves at the library. And - since women are a majority of the population - we'd all be married to Mel Gibson.”

IfsLifeBookWould BeDemocracyImagineBrotherExerciseMarriedStonesMajorityLibraryPopulationDeterminedSuitsDietsMealsPairsPantsShelvesBeing MarriedPizzaBrooksDemocracies HaveDenimMajority RuleDiet And ExerciseBrooks Brothers
Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus
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“During the mid-1980s dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket. So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million dairy cows. How come the government never does anything like this with lawyers?”

DoeGovernmentDeathMillionsToo MuchDyingDecidedLawyerFarmersMilkCowsSupermarketsDairyDairy Cows
Book:Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government
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“There's no telling what might have happened to our defense budget if Saddam Hussein hadn't invaded Kuwait that August and set everyone gearing up for World War II. Can we count on Saddam Hussein to come along every year and resolve our defense-policy debates? Given the history of the Middle East, it's possible.”

IfsWorldYearsWarMightGivenHappenedMiddlePolicyDefenseEastDebateBudgetsWar Of The WorldsResolveWorld War IiMiddle EastWorld War ISaddamHusseinAugustKuwaitGearing UpPolicy Debate
Book:Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government
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“The government is huge, stupid, greedy and makes nosy, officious and dangerous intrusions into the smallest corners of life - this much we can stand. But the real problem is that government is boring. We could cure or mitigate the other ills Washington visits on us if we could only bring ourselves to pay attention to Washington itself. But we cannot.”

IfsRealProblemGovernmentPayAttentionDangerousStupidHugeCornersBoringCuresPay AttentionSmallestGreedyReal ProblemsIntrusion
Book:Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government
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“Now majority rule is a precious, sacred thing worth dying for. But like other precious, sacred things .... it's not only worth dying for; it can make you wish you were dead. Imagine if all life were determined by majority rule. Every meal would be a pizza.”

IfsWould BeWishDemocracyImagineDyingElectionSacredMajorityDeterminedMealsCynicalPizzaWish YouMajority RuleSacred ThingsThings Worth Dying For
Book:Thrown Under the Omnibus
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“Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren't likely to argue about bedtime.”

ShouldBelieveChildrenHumorKidsAgeFunnyGivenWatchesFiveTelevisionBabyTenHumorousAdultsArguingRottenBedtimeGrownupsMayhem
Book:The Bachelor Home Companion: A Practical Guide to Keeping House Like a Pig
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