“My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.”
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Funny Quotes
“I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.”
“I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."”
“Is it rude to Twitter during sex? To go "omg, omg, wtf, zzz"? Is that rude?”
“I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.”
“My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles”
“I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!”
“Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!”
“I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!”
“I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!”
“My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!”
“When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!”
“My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.”
“And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!”
“I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."”
“One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!”
“I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.”
“I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!”