Funny Quotes

“The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.”

WayHas BeensHumorFunnyThreeBitsWaitingNiceDogPlanningOwnersDiamondCould Have BeenPropose

Author:Frankie Boyle

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“The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?”

MenHumorKidsFunnyHellSexyDirtyOld Man

Author:Frankie Boyle

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“Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?”

PeopleDoeHumorFunnyProgramIronicOld PeopleCountdown

Author:Frankie Boyle

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“Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.”

HumorFunnyWallGarageCobain

Author:Frankie Boyle

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“Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?”

PersonsHumorFunnyGuyBlackWhiteOkayMatesPrimatesNot OkayBlack Guys

Author:Frankie Boyle

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“I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.”

HumorFunnyGirlfriendValentineValentine's DayMy GirlfriendChlamydia

Author:Frankie Boyle

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“Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.”

PeopleHumorFunnyCitiesFireWelcomeGlasgow

Author:Frankie Boyle

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“It seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine they were told that the mission was to rescue a bearded British hostage and he must be brought out alive.”

I CanHumorSeemsFunnyAliveImagineMissionsBritishRescueNavyCompoundsSealsHostageNavy Seal

Author:Frankie Boyle

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“She used to be a teacher but she has no class now.”

HumorFunnyUsedClassTeacherUsed To Be

Author:Fred Allen

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“He has no idea what it was like to grow up in the South, where you had to hold your head down.”

IdeasHumorFunnyGrowsGrowing UpSouthNo Idea

Author:Fred Allen

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“For me, stand-up comedy is a conversation between me and the audience. I have to keep them listening. When I'm making jokes about cake for twenty minutes, I have to make sure my audience is interested and following where I'm going.”

HumorFunnyAudienceComedyMinutesListeningConversationJokesTwentiesFollowingCakeStand Up Comedy

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."”

LooksReasonHumorFunnyHouseEnergyRealizingWatchesToo MuchLike YouRight NowPicksLettersConnectionsNeighborLazyNo ReasonFinding YourselfHostMailBeing LazyLove Connection

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like "Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?"”

PeopleKnowsTwoHumorFunnyLinesForgetFrontsStandingOkayMachinesThings To DoSecondsCashForget ItFree Time

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."”

PersonsSometimesHumorRunningFunnyNightHoursTroubleLateBusySmellSmokeLazyWeekendShowersMondayFridayFriday NightBeing Lazy48 HoursRunning Late

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."”

IfsLooksTwoHumorFunnyTurnsStepsTvsWork OutGymGoing To WorkWatching TvRemote Control

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."”

DreamHumorFunnyUsedMorningClubsEvery MorningAlarmsTechno

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"”

TryingI CanDreamHumorFunnyInterestingStrangeYour DreamsMail

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"”

PeopleEndsMatterFactsHumorBigsFunnyParentLike YouBabyLawyerInsaneHeySmokeTeenagerPotPregnantSpoiledSkatingBig FamiliesRoller Skating

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“People get burned out in big families, you can even see it in the naming of children. Like the first kid, "You were named after Grandma." The seventh kid, "You were named after a sandwich I had. Now get your brother, Reuben."”

PeopleFirstsChildrenHumorBigsKidsFunnyBrotherBurnedSandwichesGrandmaYour BrotherBig FamiliesBurned Out

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."”

HumorCareFunnyExcitedHeyWho CaresPostcards

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"”

PeopleWellsHumorFunnyYeahHeyJailPostcardsQuizYeah Yeah Yeahs

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.”

WantWritingStillsHumorFunnyGuyTownsNeighborCardsOver ItApartmentFlipRiflesPostcards

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"”

PeopleTryingYearsTwoBookIdeasHumorFunnyThreeProudConversationPagesHundredHeyNo IdeaFiftyThree YearsNow And ThenProud Of Myself

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."”

KnowsTryingFirstsHumorFunnyWaterYeahSellingKicksHahaBottled Water

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."”

NeedsHumorFunnyTurnsStuffExpectedTricksIceBottlesRecipesFreezeCubesTrays

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.”

KnowsIdeasFactsHumorFunnySidesWaterRoughBottlesPrintedChemist

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."”

HumorFunnyCausesToo MuchLowsBlueWingsExcuseMealsExtrasCheeseBuffaloAppetizersToo Much FunBlue Cheese

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"”

ThinkingKnowsMeanHas BeensHomeHumorSchoolFunnyGuyTvsHigh SchoolSittingPopeThat GuyJerkPolandWatching Tv

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!"”

PeopleIfsHumorFunnyGlassesEmsGet Away

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.”

HumorFunnyFunAnimalPetEmsAnimal Love

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"”

ThinkingKnowsWantYearsHumorFunnyTeachTeacherGymGym Teacher

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"”

WantKindHardHumorFunnyWaterDrinkShotsYeahGlassesEightEmsI Am Single

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, "There's my wife... there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man."”

MenHumorFunnyBeautifulFallCitiesWifeMinutesTenSittingFalling In LoveMy WifeBeautiful WomenSubwayI Fall In Love

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'”

HumorFunnyDirtySandwichesOlivesMartiniBologna

Author:Jim Gaffigan

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“Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?”

HumorFunnyMachinesBraille

Author:George Carlin

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“If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?”

IfsHumorFunnySwimmerStupid QuestionsDumb Questions

Author:George Carlin

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“I'm in shape. Round is a shape.”

HumorFunnyShapesRounds

Author:George Carlin

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“For my next trick I will make everyone understand me.”

HumorFunnyNextTricksUnderstand Me

Author:Marc Maron

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“I'm proud to be part of a generation where reading is a 'look.'”

LooksHumorFunnyReadingGenerationsProud

Author:Marc Maron

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“I feel bad for people who have never been addicted to anything, because they're the real losers. You want to know why? Because they don't know what it's like to really want something - and then get it again and again and again.”

PeopleKnowsWantFeelsRealHumorFunnyLoserAgain And AgainWant Something

Author:Marc Maron

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“I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle the commitment.”

HumorFunnyUsedEnjoyDrugCommitmentHandle

Author:Marc Maron

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“How complicated can ice cream flavors be? How much can you put in there? I mean, when the flavor's something like banana ice cream with caramel, fudge chunks, cheddar goldfish and pennies - you've got to draw a line there.”

MeanHumorFunnyLinesDrawsComplicatedIceCreamFlavorIce CreamPenniesBananasChunksGoldfishFudgeCaramelCheddar

Author:Marc Maron

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“It's not all about love. That's half of it... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that.'”

MenWantKindMomentsDreamHumorFunnyDiesHalfSickMirrorsFatsCompromiseSomedayThat MomentOther HalfLooking In The Mirror

Author:Marc Maron

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“You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'”

GivingRealHumorFunnyCarCryEmotionalExcitedRingsDamn

Author:Marc Maron

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“I'm just saying, 'Hey, throw me a bone. How about a smile, cute t-shirt? Look at me.' Nothing - unless it's a turn to their friends to go, 'Hey, why is that weird guy looking at us?'”

LooksHumorFunnyGuyTurnsBonesHeyCuteShirtsLook At MeT ShirtJust Saying

Author:Marc Maron

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“The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.”

IfsWayHumorFunnyWinningFigures

Author:Marc Maron

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“They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would have puppets.”

IfsTwoCountryHumorWould BeFunnyJobsThreeDrugDependentTestingPuppets

Author:Marc Maron

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“In show business, it takes 10 years to create an overnight success. You've heard that, right? But what you don't hear is that that's the exact same amount of time it takes to create a bitter failure.”

YearsShowsHumorFunnyHeardAmountBitterShow BusinessOvernight Success

Author:Marc Maron

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“I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.”

ThinkingReasonHumorFunnyJesusLevelsCareersDied

Author:Marc Maron

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“Is there any indication we shouldn't be depressed - are you living on the same planet that I am? Do you ever think that depression might be the reasonable human response to the crap we're going through as a species, meant to propel us into the next evolutionary step, or at least into taking some different course of action so we might survive? Do you ever think that maybe it's the happy people that are really screwed up in the head?”

PeopleThinkingHumansDifferentHumorMightActionFunnyCoursesNextStepsPlanetsResponseSpeciesReasonableCrapIndicationLiving OnScrewed UpHappy People

Author:Marc Maron

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