Best funny & humor Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 27

“In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."”

People Ifs Knows Said Humor Funny Hate Paris Interviews Love Hate Gonorrhea

Author:Tina Fey

“A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I'm on my game.”

Ifs Humor Funny Games Study Months Twelve Cents Teens Pledge Virginity

Author:Tina Fey

“The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two-year suspension for a lawyer found having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. HaHa! Jokes on you dummies... I'm not really a lawyer!”

Years Two States Humor Funny Sex Jokes Murder Court Caught Lawyer Supreme Two Years Supreme Court Representing Thursday Suspension Haha Dummy Washington State

Author:Tina Fey

“It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, 'if this is what it takes to win, it's not worth it.'”

Ifs Said Home Humor Funny Games Winning New York Worth It Magician Not Worth It Knicks

Author:Tina Fey

“It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.”

Play Humor Funny Film Guy Walks Roles Wife Casts Ruins That Guy Revolver

Author:Tina Fey

“This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in ten thousand pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over fourteen thousand dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.”

Years Humor Funny Courses Lines Behinds Week Dollars Pounds Genes Pennies Collectors

Author:Tina Fey

“When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.”

Looks Hard Humor Funny Tables Cheese

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.”

Mean Humor Funny Gross Only Time Diarrhea Scrabble

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!”

Writing Book Humor Funny Noses Staring Twins Writing A Book

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."”

Humor Funny Forever Tattoo

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?”

People Shows Humor Funny White Race

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.”

People Shows Humor Reality Would Be Funny Black White Four Neighborhood Hunts Reality Shows Crackers

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.”

Feels Humor Hands Funny Views Watches Cry Sorry Topics Couches

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.”

Knows Years Said Ends Humor Funny My Own Deals Know How Four Crazy Fronts Years Ago Misery Workers Bread Four Years Pizza My Own Life Ankles Huts Co Worker

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.”

Humor Funny Minutes Yesterday Salad

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.”

Humor Kids Today School Funny Remember Reading Sex Teacher High School Died Online School Teachers High School Teachers

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?”

Thinking Humor Funny Ravens

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“Hookers don't like to snuggle.”

Humor Funny

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.”

Stills Humor Funny Used Father Beats Belts

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.”

Humor Funny Tables Plus Gears Cafeteria Acne

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.”

People Ifs Knows I Can Humor Funny Know How Gay Fats Cerebral Cerebral Palsy

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.”

Knows Humor Funny Fit Fats Sock

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."”

Want Shows Humor Reality Funny Disease Sexually Reality Shows Moles Sexually Transmitted Diseases

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.”

Humor Funny Night Party Couple Dinner Girlfriend Deaf My Girlfriend Dinner Party Good Fun Charades

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."”

Kind Hard Humor Funny Conversation

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.”

Littles Humor Funny Protective Helmet Wigs

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.”

Children Humor Funny Used Sleep Nervous Electric Blanket Electric Blankets

Author:Woody Allen

“What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!”

Littles Humor Funny Craziness Menopause

Author:Woody Allen

“... years of insanity have made this guy crazy!”

Years Made Humor Funny Guy Crazy Insanity This Guy

Author:Woody Allen

“I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.”

Trying Two Humor Funny Next Millions Four Week Months Miles Two Weeks Down The Road Hash

Author:Adam Carolla

“I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.”

Said Sometimes Humor Kids Funny Dad Raises Moved Dollars My Dad Spokes My Sister

Author:Adam Carolla

“I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.”

Ideas Humor Funny Guy House Voice Hours Party Imagine Crazy Thousand Hundred Lonely Radio Good Times Roof Soothing Talk Radio Stacking Stir Crazy

Author:Adam Carolla

“If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.”

Ifs Shows Humor Funny Disappointed Tuning

Author:Adam Carolla

“Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.”

Humor Care Funny Don't Care I Don't Care Intimidating Brad Jennifer

Author:Adam Carolla

“Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!”

Humor Funny Taste Hepatitis

Author:Adam Carolla

“When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!”

Firsts Humor Funny Sex Kings Bases

Author:Adam Carolla

“You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.”

Home Humor Funny Dies Waiting Clubs Goth Killing Yourself

Author:Adam Carolla

“When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.”

People Humor Funny Grows White Growing Up College Asian Packing Fudge

Author:Adam Carolla

“Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.”

Humor Hands Funny Sex Enjoy Riding Roller Coaster Having Sex Coasters Condom Hands Up Diarrhea

Author:Adam Carolla

“I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.”

Giving Two Humor Funny Type Fake

Author:Adam Carolla

“I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.”

Humor Funny Saws Nice Eating Bigger Visuals Pads Gals

Author:Adam Carolla

“He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.”

Done Humor Funny Guy Sound Threesome

Author:Adam Carolla

“Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.”

Humor Funny Chance Greater Driving Chicks Tammy

Author:Adam Carolla

“Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.”

Thinking Humor Funny Lipstick Sweatpants Dykes

Author:Adam Carolla

“I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.”

Two Humor Funny Left Behinds Finished Two Things Left Behind Session Pizza

Author:Adam Carolla

“Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.”

Giving Should Humor Funny Birth Sugar Pills Birth Control

Author:Adam Carolla

“If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'”

People Ifs Thinking Knows Years Looks Humor Funny Guy Groups Jew Desert Maps Moses

Author:Adam Ferrara

“I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'”

Thinking Humans Looks Humor Funny Animal Dating Dinner Kingdoms Mates Smarter Alright Animal Kingdom

Author:Adam Ferrara

“As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...'”

Thinking Feels Soul Humor Funny Together Past Sleep Baby Bed Mouths Died Yeah Lays Coming Out Bizarre Deprivation Past Life Sleep Deprivation

Author:Adam Ferrara

“Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'”

Men Humor Funny Girl Asks One Day My Friends Ask Me That Girl One Day At A Time

Author:Adam Ferrara

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