Best funny & humor Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 7

“Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!"”

Ifs Thinking Home Humor Funny Doors Luck Woods Good Luck

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.”

Thinking Humor Wanted Funny Jokes Tape Backwards Parrots Recorders

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."”

Knows Humor Funny Asks My Friends Tests Aids Do You Know Know Me Brian

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.”

Want Humor Funny Fruit Brushes Want Something Waffles

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.”

People Thinking Trying Shows Humor Funny Asks Late Ask Me Autographs

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That's sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't'." That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's easy, Lola - you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!”

Knows Way Doe Said Two Humor Funny Together Easy Born Simple Saws Middle Missing Tvs Arms Letters Raises They Said Contractions

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"”

Ifs Humor Funny Pay Groups Offers Notes Dinner Checks Thanks Wallets Group Of Friends

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?”

Thinking Firsts Humor Funny Guy Radio Interviews Stations This Guy Djs Really Deep

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!"”

Knows Writing Kind Stories Humor Kids Funny Car Inspire Yeah Inspired Silly Hey Lakes True Story Gorillas

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!”

I Can Humor Funny Lasts Numbers Pay Four Credit Cards Thanks Twelve Assistance Credit Card Guessing Receipts

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"”

Should Humor Funny Minutes Listening Radio Thirty Should I

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."”

Ifs Thinking Needs Two Sometimes Problem Humor Funny Night Hours Middle Cold Wake Up Yeah Covered Sweat No Problem Middle Of The Night

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story."”

People Men Long Ends Stories Humor Funny Attention Happened Drug Mad Extras Disorder Deficit Attention Span Attention Deficit Disorder

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.”

Ifs Want I Can Humor Funny Three House Left Practice Apples Routine Screws Screw Ups Jugglers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, "What?" So I say it again, and he says, "What?" Really, it's just some insignificant stuff I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, "That tree is far away!"”

Ifs Humor Funny Stuff Tree Walking Far Away Insignificant Yelling

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.”

Humor Funny Three House Equal Shining Comedian Hotel Vegas Las Vegas Bounce Shampoo

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry about snakes anymore". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, "Lay down!"”

Made Said Humor Funny Stuff Situation Worry Brother My Friends Paid Lays Ridiculous Opening Bites Cash Snakes Worms Emergencies Bad Situations

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.”

Sometimes Shows Humor Eye Funny Enjoy Audience Eyelids

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.”

Years Humor Funny Jokes Screwed Up Roommate Lease

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.”

Should Humor Funny Faces Nice Gun Shots Dimples

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.”

Ifs Firsts Humor Funny Palms

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.”

I Can Humor Funny Pasta Spaghetti Noodles

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.”

Ifs Humor Funny Guy Heard Jokes I Realized Ridiculous Cherries Tomatoes

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.”

Looks Humor Funny Stuff Views Boxes Point Of View Planes Outsiders Batteries Cords

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!”

Humor Funny Lasts Last Time Messed Up Shotguns Limos

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll drive for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. What kind of emergency is this? I need to not stop now. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.”

Knows Needs Kind Sometimes Humor Funny Car Ten Smell Miles Emergencies Brake Levers Car Rental

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"”

People Long Use Humor Funny Mother Guy Found Wish Hair Drug Daughter Longing Excited Extremes Stranger Smell Cake Associates That Guy Long Hair Flour Drug Use

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"”

Ifs Said Humor Funny Car Hey Killers Mechanic

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"”

Shows Humor Funny Sugar

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.”

Humor Funny Guy Building Other Guys Elevators

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script? That's not fair. That's like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I'm a really good cook, they'd say, "OK, you're a cook. Can you farm?"”

Ifs Want Writing Hard Humor Funny Fairs Hollywood Scripts Cooks Comedian Farms Not Fair Stand Up Comedian Good Cook

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!”

I Can Humor Funny Next Waiting Stage Pockets Pineapples

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.”

People Humor Funny Band Hated Metals Metal Band Death Metal

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.”

People Thinking Should Humor Funny Walks Should Have Target Entrances

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary". We weren't that intense, we called ourselves "Injured". Later on we changed it to "Acapella" when we were walking out of the pawn shop.”

Humor Funny Names Changed Walking Band Intense Shops Injured Pawns Rigor Walking Out Rigor Mortis Mortuary Pawn Shops

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."”

Men Kind Humor Funny Behinds Boys He Man Stores Cigar

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"”

Said Humor Running Funny Moving Guy Hell Caught Bars Hey Hats Pairs Nerves Apologizing Rude Caught Up This Guy Accessories Go To Hell Sunglasses Mustache Hey You Earrings Ponytails

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, "Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!"”

Thinking Needs Said Humor Funny Guy Scripts Likes Copies Screws

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.”

Should Long Humor Funny Doors Embrace Hotel Contractions

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"”

Littles Humor Kids Funny Jokes Hey Necks Punk Little Kid

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. "You sound older!"”

Humor Funny Girl Sound Numbers Fronts Mets Zero Desks Front Desk

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.”

Ifs Humor Funny Guilty Association Unlucky

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.”

Enough Humor Bigs Funny Term Stupid

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.”

Home Humor Funny Recipes Lemons Limes

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"”

People Humor Funny Past Hate Sides Too Much New York I Hate Yeah Bread Meat Cows Sandwiches Crackers Pastrami

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."”

Needs Feels Wells Humor Funny Form Three Pieces Four Cutting Middle Members Clubs Circles Bread Ems Chips Sandwiches Dump Triangles Toothpicks Stipulations

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.”

Humor Would Be Funny Jobs Sticks Fishes Fishing Convenient

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.”

Knows Way Humor Funny Acid

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."”

Knows Mind Humor Funny Guy Lost Crazy Mouths Sane That Guy Straws

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"”

Hard Humor Funny Machines Yeah Bottom Bars Invention Block Hard Times Reaching Owners Candy Candy Bar Vending Machines Reaching Up

Author:Mitch Hedberg

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