Best funny & humor Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 22

“I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.”

Humor Wanted Funny Beautiful Wife Citizens Loving Wife

“A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."”

Giving Wells Said Humor Funny Wonderful Drink Benefits Coffee Cups Coffee Cup

Author:Emo Philips

“When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.”

Believe Humor Kids Funny Fall Lord Dad My Dad Roller Coaster Coasters Hallelujah Emo

Author:Emo Philips

“The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.”

Ifs Said Two Humor Eye Funny Courses Lines Picks Phones Damn Bless Psychics God Bless Two Days God Bless You

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.”

Giving Humor Funny Grades Fourth Degenerates Fourth Grade

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“I'm a - I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her - the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection...”

Knows Wells Kind Two Humor Light Seems Funny Fun Stuff Clear Five Connections Towns Godmother Light Of My Life

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“You say you're sick and tired of hearing about me? I've got news for you: I'M sick and tired of hearing about me.”

Humor Funny News Sick Tired Hearing

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?... Noooo... as funny as that is, I'm not”

Years Humor Funny Dog Died My Dog

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“You know me. Any excuse to put on a dress.”

Knows Humor Funny Dresses Excuse Know Me

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor.”

Ifs Mean Persons Humor Funny Actors Winning Tonight Good Person Good Actors

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“I think I let go of the need for approval. It certainly feels good when you get it, but I used to be more desperate for it. Once I felt better inside about myself... I could do everything based on how I want to do things.”

Thinking Want Needs Feels Humor Funny Used Felt Letting Go Feel Good Used To Be Desperate Approval

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“When there's time for whistling, there's a lot of time on a show.”

Shows Humor Funny Whistling

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.”

Humor Funny Shampoo

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“All the commercials on TV today are for antidepressants, for Prozac or Paxil. And they get you right away. "Are you sad? Do you get stressed, do you have anxiety?" "Yes, I have all those things! I'm alive!"”

Humor Today Funny Alive Tvs Anxiety Stressed I'm Alive Prozac Antidepressants

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“Have you ever thought about toothpaste? Ellen has! And she makes a point about all of the types of toothpaste that Colgate offers!”

Humor Funny Type Offers Toothpaste

Author:Ellen DeGeneres

“On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.”

Humor Funny Night Guy Doors Fronts Keys Towns Clock Scottish Front Doors

Author:Frankie Boyle

“It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.”

Humor Funny Turns Stupid Really Stupid Dyslexic

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them 'Gaybos' or 'Bender Badges'.”

Should Humor Funny Sound Teenager Honour Badges Too Cool

Author:Frankie Boyle

“What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!”

Ifs Whole Shows Humor Funny Choices Doors Wall Sitting Train Prize Locked Multiple Toilets Slides Anything Goes Quiz Multiple Choice Unveiling Quiz Show

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?”

Ifs Humor Funny Faces Bed Transplants Threesome

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!”

Thinking Men Shows Problem Humor Funny Surveys Premature Ejaculation Premature Ejaculation

Author:Frankie Boyle

“The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.”

People Humor Funny Loss Cases Identity Worried Rising Scotland Euro National Identity Rising Prices

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them!”

Helping Body Humor Funny Raises Blind London Ran Marathon Jordan Jogging

Author:Frankie Boyle

“That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.”

Thinking Should Trying Humor Funny Remember Speeding Wedding Day Adverts

Author:Frankie Boyle

“The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.”

Ends Humor Funny Speak Struggle East Olympics Speak English Glasgow

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.”

Humor Funny Sound Behinds Ugly Flats Surround Sofas Surround Sound

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.”

People Humor Funny Lists Congratulations

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.”

Thinking Humor Funny Faces Seeing Appearing Grans

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.”

Humor Funny Tests Passing Passings Congratulations Hiv Hiv Positive

Author:Frankie Boyle

“As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.”

Years Humor Funny Watches Land Planes Airports Passengers Glasgow

Author:Frankie Boyle

“In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.”

Humor Funny Dies Events Mask Annoying Oxygen Ceilings Cabins

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.”

Humor Funny Night Magic Bills British Parks

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.”

Thinking Long Stills Humor Funny Asks Wife Let Me Died My Wife

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.”

Knows Long Humor Funny Stuff Know How Bored Vets Shagging

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.”

Thinking Knows Doe Humor Funny America Football Beckham

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.”

People World Years Humor Funny Levels Rooms Comedy Mines Seven Footballer Scottish

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.”

Humor Funny Storm Girlfriend Conception Lightning Thunder My Girlfriend Antichrist Thunder And Lightning

Author:Frankie Boyle

“RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.”

Doe Has Beens Hard Humor Funny Land New York Flight Hard Times Dublin

Author:Frankie Boyle

“The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.”

Ifs Long Humor Funny Bits Realizing Rate Average Expectancy Glasgow Life Expectancy Average Life

Author:Frankie Boyle

“They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up!”

People Humor Funny Lasts Numb Premature Condom Anesthetics Ejaculation Premature Ejaculation

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.”

Knows World Years Looks Humor Funny Four Cups Four Years Dump World Cup Victoria Beckham

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?”

Thinking Made Humor Funny Internet Saddam

Author:Frankie Boyle

“My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.”

People Knows Men Humor Funny Reading Laughing Dad My Dad Telephones Make You Laugh

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.”

Ifs Thinking I Can Done Helping Humor Funny New York Driven Damage Squares Bombers Toyota Times Square

Author:Frankie Boyle

“The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.”

States Enough Humor Government Funny Dies Spending Holes Satan Funeral Considering Scotland Shovels

Author:Frankie Boyle

“A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.”

Thinking Giving Years Humor Funny Fall Boys Baby Birth Needed Britain Tape Mum Amazed Sections Old Woman Giving Birth Baby Boy

Author:Frankie Boyle

“When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.”

Humor Funny Guy Heard Bags Gucci Cristiano Ronaldo

Author:Frankie Boyle

“The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.”

Humor Funny Courses Stuff Animal Week Tvs Fine Couple Wine Hearing Comic Relief Awards Warfare Olympics Monkeys Documentaries Scottish Lodges Comic Relief Dundee

Author:Frankie Boyle

“People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.”

People Thinking Way Heart Humor Funny Dies Sex Heard Drug Phrases Good Way Heart Attack

Author:Frankie Boyle

“When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.”

Humor School Funny Sex Warning Sex Education Janitor

Author:Frankie Boyle

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