Best Funny Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 40

“My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.”

Humor Funny Night Party Couple Dinner Girlfriend Deaf My Girlfriend Dinner Party Good Fun Charades

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."”

Kind Hard Humor Funny Conversation

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.”

Littles Humor Funny Protective Helmet Wigs

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.”

Children Humor Funny Used Sleep Nervous Electric Blanket Electric Blankets

Author:Woody Allen

“What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!”

Littles Humor Funny Craziness Menopause

Author:Woody Allen

“... years of insanity have made this guy crazy!”

Years Made Humor Funny Guy Crazy Insanity This Guy

Author:Woody Allen

“I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.”

Trying Two Humor Funny Next Millions Four Week Months Miles Two Weeks Down The Road Hash

Author:Adam Carolla

“I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.”

Said Sometimes Humor Kids Funny Dad Raises Moved Dollars My Dad Spokes My Sister

Author:Adam Carolla

“I'd be at someone's house or be up on the roof all day and I'd get lonely - stir crazy - and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life. But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn't imagine it.”

Ideas Humor Funny Guy House Voice Hours Party Imagine Crazy Thousand Hundred Lonely Radio Good Times Roof Soothing Talk Radio Stacking Stir Crazy

Author:Adam Carolla

“If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.”

Ifs Shows Humor Funny Disappointed Tuning

Author:Adam Carolla

“Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.”

Humor Care Funny Don't Care I Don't Care Intimidating Brad Jennifer

Author:Adam Carolla

“Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!”

Humor Funny Taste Hepatitis

Author:Adam Carolla

“When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!”

Firsts Humor Funny Sex Kings Bases

Author:Adam Carolla

“You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.”

Home Humor Funny Dies Waiting Clubs Goth Killing Yourself

Author:Adam Carolla

“When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.”

People Humor Funny Grows White Growing Up College Asian Packing Fudge

Author:Adam Carolla

“Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.”

Humor Hands Funny Sex Enjoy Riding Roller Coaster Having Sex Coasters Condom Hands Up Diarrhea

Author:Adam Carolla

“I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.”

Giving Two Humor Funny Type Fake

Author:Adam Carolla

“I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.”

Humor Funny Saws Nice Eating Bigger Visuals Pads Gals

Author:Adam Carolla

“He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.”

Done Humor Funny Guy Sound Threesome

Author:Adam Carolla

“Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.”

Humor Funny Chance Greater Driving Chicks Tammy

Author:Adam Carolla

“Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.”

Thinking Humor Funny Lipstick Sweatpants Dykes

Author:Adam Carolla

“I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.”

Two Humor Funny Left Behinds Finished Two Things Left Behind Session Pizza

Author:Adam Carolla

“Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.”

Giving Should Humor Funny Birth Sugar Pills Birth Control

Author:Adam Carolla

“If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'”

People Ifs Thinking Knows Years Looks Humor Funny Guy Groups Jew Desert Maps Moses

Author:Adam Ferrara

“I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'”

Thinking Humans Looks Humor Funny Animal Dating Dinner Kingdoms Mates Smarter Alright Animal Kingdom

Author:Adam Ferrara

“As soon as you lay down, that's when the most bizarre things start coming out of her mouth. 'Goodnight, baby.' 'Do you think we were together in a past life?' 'Yeah, and I died of sleep deprivation. Go to bed.' 'Don't you feel like we're soul...'”

Thinking Feels Soul Humor Funny Together Past Sleep Baby Bed Mouths Died Yeah Lays Coming Out Bizarre Deprivation Past Life Sleep Deprivation

Author:Adam Ferrara

“Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'”

Men Humor Funny Girl Asks One Day My Friends Ask Me That Girl One Day At A Time

Author:Adam Ferrara

“I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good - stop.'”

Ifs Feels Humor Funny Catholic Feel Good Catholic Religion

Author:Adam Ferrara

“My favorite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.”

Knows Humor Earth Funny Jesus Catholic My Favorite Graves Celebrate Rising Holiday Eggs Easter Coming Back Rabbits

Author:Adam Ferrara

“The girls are beautiful in Hollywood - and enough silicon to caulk a sink.”

Enough Humor Funny Beautiful Girl Hollywood Silicon

Author:Adam Ferrara

“My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam - uh, don't kiss guys.'”

Giving Humor Funny Guy Father Sex Rooms Kissing Give Me Adam

Author:Adam Ferrara

“I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.”

Men Humor Funny Three Hours Secret Magazines Victoria Victoria's Secret

Author:Adam Ferrara

“The human body is in constant change the minute we're born. It's in a constant state of decay. We're all like Ford Escorts, just falling apart.”

Humans States Body Humor Funny Fall Born Minutes Constant Decay Falling Apart Human Body

Author:Adam Ferrara

“Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.”

Important Humor Funny

Author:Adam Ferrara

“Men tend to lie when it comes to sexual conquests. You should hear some of the ego-driven lies my friends have told me: 'Swear to God, man - the hooker gave the money back.'”

Men Should Humor Funny Lying Ego My Friends Driven Swear Conquest Swear To God

Author:Adam Ferrara

“Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.”

Needs Important Stories Humor Funny Guy Sex

Author:Adam Ferrara

“I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift.”

Humor Funny Sex Ability Emotional Girlfriend Involvement My Girlfriend

Author:Adam Ferrara

“I woke up my pop in the middle of the night 'cause the boogie man's under my bed. My pop is this big, huge man, nothing can hurt him. I went running into his bedroom like, 'Daddy, Daddy, the boogie man's under the bed!' Pop opens one eye, he's like, 'Is the boogie man bigger than me?' 'Well, no Daddy, he's not.' 'Well, you got your choice: you can deal with the boogie man or you can deal with me.'”

Men Wells Humor Bigs Eye Running Funny Night Choices Causes Hurt Deals Middle Huge Bed Bigger Pops Bedroom Daddy Middle Of The Night Boogie

Author:Adam Ferrara

“My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.”

Humor Funny Break Pieces Easier Girlfriend My Girlfriend Christmas Present

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.”

Trying Humor Funny Rights Fronts Police Suicide Committed Civil Rights Grandmother Bus Great Grandmother

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.”

Ifs Humor Funny Differences Streets Wall Cancer Not Sure

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.”

Knows Men Way Stills Humor Bigs Funny Found Father Black Huge Dad My Dad Complicated Racist Santa Santa Claus Let Down Good Father

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.”

Ifs Hard Humor Funny Found Mom Golf My Mom Be Good Hard Times Breasts Having A Hard Time

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'”

Humor Care Funny Mother Causes Parent Nice Mom Months Dad Mad Sorry Naked Things To Do Girlfriend Mail My Girlfriend Nice Things Furious Messed Up I Am So Sorry

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'”

Ifs Thinking Want Said Humor Funny Lasts Months Couple Mad Girlfriend Fancy My Girlfriend Lingerie

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.”

Knows Feels Littles Stills Humor Funny Found Parent Serious Brother Eating Caught Tiny Bags Funeral Airline Peanuts Allergies Little Brother My Little Brother

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.”

“Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.”

Thinking Mean Humor Funny Jesus Term Smarter

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.”

Said I Can Humor Kids Funny Opinion Doctors Hospitals

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

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