Best Funny Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 39

“So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".”

Want Said Humor Funny Train Paris Drivers Dean

Author:Tommy Cooper

“Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.”

Knows Wells Humor Funny Fire Couple Blow Tricks Seconds Candle Factories

Author:Tommy Cooper

“So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".”

Said Humor Eye Funny Red Rose Chinese Restaurants Ducks Diamond Sparkle Waiter Red Rose

Author:Tommy Cooper

“And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.”

Humor Funny Sea Airplane Saliva

Author:Tommy Cooper

“So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".”

Humor Funny Train Disaster Load Turtles Tortoises Lorry

Author:Tommy Cooper

“So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"”

Men Said Two Humor Funny Saws Men And Women Items Tesco

Author:Tommy Cooper

“Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.”

Humor Funny Corners Shops

Author:Tommy Cooper

“I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.”

Humor Funny Lasts Past Four Week Ten Horse Quarters

Author:Tommy Cooper

“I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'”

Said Humor Funny Okay Sorry Pounds Butchers Sausage

Author:Tommy Cooper

“'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'”

I Can Home Humor Funny Sound Common Singing Green Grass Unusual Toms Syndromes Green Grass

Author:Tommy Cooper

“Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.”

Men Humor Funny Lying Found Police Ice Covered Cream Ice Cream Vans Lying On The Floor

Author:Tommy Cooper

“A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."”

Men Wells Problem Humor Seems Funny Asks Walks Five He Man Fit Office Doctors Gloves Trousers

Author:Tommy Cooper

“Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.”

Two Humor Funny Fire Prove Sitting Crafts Heat Lit Chilly

Author:Tommy Cooper

“A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"”

Knows Men Feels I Can Humor Funny Serious Arms Doctors Rounds Legs Accidents Hospitals

Author:Tommy Cooper

“Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.”

Feelings Humor Funny Heard Bullshit

Author:Tommy Cooper

“A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my pants."”

Men Humor Funny Party Fronts He Man Dresses Come Up Supposed To Be Fancy Pants Premature Ejaculation Premature Ejaculation

Author:Tommy Cooper

“A dyslexic man walks into a bra.”

Men Humor Funny Walks Bras Dyslexic

Author:Tommy Cooper

“A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."”

Humor Funny Walks Bars Barmen

Author:Tommy Cooper

“Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.”

Two Humor Funny Walks Trouble Bars Rough Peanuts

Author:Tommy Cooper

“Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: "No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then this movie about a cat."”

Humor Funny Husband Cat Cancer

Author:Tina Fey

“At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.”

Humor Funny Lasts Three Sex Church Catholic Weekend Apartment Cleaning Friday Request Catholic Church Rio Rio De Janeiro

Author:Tina Fey

“In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.”

Humor School Funny Groups Students Mets High School Officials Survivor Association Rifles High School Students

Author:Tina Fey

“Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children's medications are selling on Home Shopping Network.”

Knows Wells Looks Mean Children Home Humor Funny Lines Inspired Rings Selling Shopping Know Me Toes Medication Zodiac

Book:Bossypants

Source: Bossypants

“Amy Poehler and I have been friends for so long, we're like Oprah and Gale. Only we're not denying anything.”

Long Has Beens Humor Funny Amy Gale

Author:Tina Fey

“"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?" The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.”

Believe I Can Humor Happens Funny Baby Down And

Author:Tina Fey

“If these two are tired of having sex with each other, what hope is there for the rest of us?”

Ifs Two Humor Funny Sex Tired Having Sex

Author:Tina Fey

“At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, as man and wife. Hopefully music.”

Men Firsts Humor Funny Together Wife First Time Hopefully Awards Jennifer Grammy

Author:Tina Fey

“Wafah Dufour bin Laden, niece of Osama bin Laden has signed a contract to star in a reality show... called Skating with the Nieces of Terrorists.”

Shows Humor Reality Funny Stars Terrorist Contracts Bin Laden Skating Osama Bin Laden Reality Shows Niece

Author:Tina Fey

“In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."”

People Ifs Knows Said Humor Funny Hate Paris Interviews Love Hate Gonorrhea

Author:Tina Fey

“A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I'm on my game.”

Ifs Humor Funny Games Study Months Twelve Cents Teens Pledge Virginity

Author:Tina Fey

“The Washington State Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two-year suspension for a lawyer found having jailhouse sex with a triple murder defendant she was representing. HaHa! Jokes on you dummies... I'm not really a lawyer!”

Years Two States Humor Funny Sex Jokes Murder Court Caught Lawyer Supreme Two Years Supreme Court Representing Thursday Suspension Haha Dummy Washington State

Author:Tina Fey

“It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, 'if this is what it takes to win, it's not worth it.'”

Ifs Said Home Humor Funny Games Winning New York Worth It Magician Not Worth It Knicks

Author:Tina Fey

“It was reported that Guy Ritchie has cast his wife Madonna in a small walk-on role in his new movie, Revolver. Madonna will play the part of the woman who ruins the film.”

Play Humor Funny Film Guy Walks Roles Wife Casts Ruins That Guy Revolver

Author:Tina Fey

“This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in ten thousand pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over fourteen thousand dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.”

Years Humor Funny Courses Lines Behinds Week Dollars Pounds Genes Pennies Collectors

Author:Tina Fey

“When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.”

Looks Hard Humor Funny Tables Cheese

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.”

Mean Humor Funny Gross Only Time Diarrhea Scrabble

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!”

Writing Book Humor Funny Noses Staring Twins Writing A Book

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."”

Humor Funny Forever Tattoo

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?”

People Shows Humor Funny White Race

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.”

People Shows Humor Reality Would Be Funny Black White Four Neighborhood Hunts Reality Shows Crackers

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.”

Feels Humor Hands Funny Views Watches Cry Sorry Topics Couches

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.”

Knows Years Said Ends Humor Funny My Own Deals Know How Four Crazy Fronts Years Ago Misery Workers Bread Four Years Pizza My Own Life Ankles Huts Co Worker

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.”

Humor Funny Minutes Yesterday Salad

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.”

Humor Kids Today School Funny Remember Reading Sex Teacher High School Died Online School Teachers High School Teachers

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?”

Thinking Humor Funny Ravens

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“Hookers don't like to snuggle.”

Humor Funny

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.”

Stills Humor Funny Used Father Beats Belts

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.”

Humor Funny Tables Plus Gears Cafeteria Acne

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.”

People Ifs Knows I Can Humor Funny Know How Gay Fats Cerebral Cerebral Palsy

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.”

Knows Humor Funny Fit Fats Sock

Author:Zach Galifianakis

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