Best Funny Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 30

“You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."”

Wells Stories Humor Funny Guy Land Mines Arms Legs Snow Teeth Bottles Whiskey Taffy

Author:Dave Attell

“When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.”

Firsts Humor Funny Saws Ran Rhinos

Author:Dave Attell

“Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.”

I Can Humor Funny Fantasy Mines Kicks Throat Jessica

Author:Dave Attell

“If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.”

Ifs Firsts Looks Littles Humor Funny Jesus Baby Reactions Pants Porsche Baby Jesus

Author:Dave Attell

“Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?”

Humor Funny Stupid Shooting

Author:Dave Attell

“I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.”

Thinking Way Trying Humor Funny Jokes

Author:David Cross

“I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational.”

Problem Humor Funny Gay Rational Gay Marriage

Author:David Cross

“If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.”

Ifs Humor Funny Flight Magazines Things To Do Plums

Author:David Cross

“What President of the Airline is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate?”

Ifs Giving Two Humor Kids Funny Reading Next President Giving Up Concerned Empty Sick Miles Seats Gates Pens Airline Flyers Empty Seats Sick Kids

Author:David Cross

“We get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.”

Humor Funny Preacher January Fundamentalist Armageddon January 1st

Author:David Cross

“High Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know.”

Knows Mean Children Humor Funny Magazines Highlights Notches Time Magazine

Author:David Cross

“I have a few business ideas (that I'm going to advertise in High Times, amongst other places), and one of them is a service in which I offer to eat and describe pork to kosher people.”

People Ideas Humor Funny Offers Pork Business Ideas Kosher

Author:David Cross

“Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.”

Knows Humor Eye Funny Speak Forget Pants Speak English

Author:David Cross

“[On the Dating Handbook] 'With a telescope, some munchies, and a warm blanket, watch for Halley's comet.' Yeah. I like that. There's no time limit. Just sit there and grow old together.”

Humor Funny Together Grows Watches Limits Yeah Warm Blanket Telescopes Comets Time Limit Halley's Comet

Author:David Cross

“James Lipton: The most pompous arrogant failure in history.”

Humor Funny Arrogant Pompous

Author:David Cross

“In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"”

World Looks Humor Funny Beautiful Guy Decision Minutes New York Twenties Urgent Beautiful Women Craziest Most Beautiful Woman In The World

Author:David Cross

“The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.”

Country Humor Funny Amount South Irony Shirts Regions T Shirt

Author:David Cross

“I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are.”

Humans War Humor Funny Human Beings White Party Support Wonderful Republican Members Rational Inclusion Troops

Author:David Cross

“So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.”

Thinking Humor Kids Funny My Friends Rude

Author:David Cross

“All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.”

Trying Hard Humor Kids Funny Talking My Friends Thirds Yeah Girlfriend Abortion Your Girlfriend Finesse Consecutive

Author:David Cross

“I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.”

Men Believe Said Whole Humor Funny Dog Jokes Tests Series Don't Believe Bunch Tonight Smarter

Author:David Cross

“Then I will tape the sets and even though I`m not very successful sometimes I will try to cut out the fat and put the jokes closer together.”

Trying Sometimes Humor Funny Together Successful Cutting Jokes Fats Tape

Author:David Cross

“I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.”

Helping Use Humor Funny Hurt Secret Laughing Santa Santa Claus Swallowing

Author:David Cross

“I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'”

Humor Funny Used Stuff Sleep Perfect Pockets Ems Planners Pajamas

Author:Demetri Martin

“If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.”

Ifs Want Humor Funny Animal Creatures Horse Wings Add Lions Hawks Mythical Creatures Pegasus

Author:Demetri Martin

“I like "Rock, Paper, Scissors Two-Thirds." You know. "Rock breaks scissors." "These scissors are bent. They're destroyed. I can't cut stuff. So I lose." "Scissors cuts paper." "These are strips. This is not even paper. It's gonna take me forever to put this back together." "Paper covers rock." "Rock is fine. No structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point. Just say the word. Paper sucks." There should be "Rock, Dynamite with a Cutable Wick, Scissors."”

Knows Should I Can Two Humor Funny Together Stuff Loses Break Forever Cutting Rocks Fine Paper Thirds Destroyed Damage Take Me Bent Break Through Back Together Dynamite Scissors

Author:Demetri Martin

“I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".”

People Humor Funny Heard Chocolate Epidemics

Author:Demetri Martin

“It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies.”

Way Humor Funny Sound Okay Fingers Puppets Nouns

Author:Demetri Martin

“I'm in a weird position, because I like rainbows, but I'm not gay. So whenever I go out wearing a rainbow shirt, I have to put "Not gay." But I'm not against gays, so under that I'll have to put "... but supportive." It's weird how one group of people took refracted light. That's very greedy, gays.”

People Humor Light Funny Groups Position Gay Shirts Rainbow Greedy Supportive

Author:Demetri Martin

“A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'”

Humor Funny Saws Week Streets Couple Ugly Pregnant

Author:Demetri Martin

“The thing about glitter is if you get it on you, be prepared to have it on you forever. Because glitter doesn't go away. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.”

Ifs Humor Funny Forever Prepared Crafts Be Prepared Supplies Glitter Herpes

Author:Demetri Martin

“Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"”

Book Done Humor Funny Next Stores Autobiography Sections Flip

Author:Demetri Martin

“When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!”

Done Humor Funny Animal Eating Lazy Ants

Author:Demetri Martin

“When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being. OK let's name these: Vitamin A, Vitamin B... ok man slow down we've got a lot to cover here. B2, B3, B4, B5, B6, B12. Then they got to E and they were like 'We're pretty much done. We've got all those damn B's. This is embarrassing. Let's just skip to K and get the hell out of here.”

Men Way Done Humor Funny Names Hell Damn Embarrassing Slow Down Skip Vitamins

Author:Demetri Martin

“I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."”

Said Humor Funny Guy Saws Doors News Percent Hundred Good News Exit Underestimated

Author:Demetri Martin

“I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".”

Firsts Said Humor Funny Dictionary

Author:Demetri Martin

“When someone asks you the question 'Are you ticklish' it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, cause they're going to touch you. If someone asks if you're ticklish and you don't want to be touched you should something like 'I have diarrhea, now don't touch me cause you'll make it come out... and yes I'm very ticklish'.”

Ifs Want Should Matter Humor Funny Asks Causes Touched Touch Me Yes Or No Diarrhea Ticklish

Author:Demetri Martin

“I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.'”

People Ifs Firsts Looks Humor Funny Hate Seeing Like You Succeed I Hate Motto

Author:Demetri Martin

“I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.”

Men Said Humor Funny Behinds Car Objects Couple Argument Mirrors Mad Stuck Horrible Traffic Stuck In Traffic

Author:Demetri Martin

“One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'”

Doe Humor Funny Opposites My Favorite Patterns Woods Hey Clothings Camouflage

Author:Demetri Martin

“Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.”

Humor Funny Camping Waterfalls

Author:Demetri Martin

“My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.”

Want Humor Funny Car My Friends Judgemental Dork

Author:Demetri Martin

“I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.”

Humor Funny Listening Drummer Just Listen Erratic

Author:Demetri Martin

“Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.”

People Humor Today Funny Shots Peter Starbucks Announcements

Author:Denis Leary

“Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: "I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing."”

Feels Looks Important Self Humor Funny Guy Lost Months Discipline Important Things Seven Fats Feel Good Pounds Coming Out Self Discipline Hostage Lebanon I Feel Good Seven Months

Author:Denis Leary

“Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold."”

Thinking Said Humor Funny Cold Aspirin

Author:Denis Leary

“I just think it's difficult for them to see the forest for the trees right now, which I can't blame them for, given the circumstances they found themselves in.”

Thinking I Can Humor Funny Found Given Difficult Tree Circumstances Right Now Blame Forests

Author:Denis Leary

“It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever.”

Way Trying Humor Funny Guy Deals Effects Drinking Snowball Snowball Effect

Author:Denis Leary

“The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.”

Humor Funny Heroin Filters

Author:Denis Leary

“I'm sick and tired of our generation being called the TV generation. What do you expect? We watched Lee Harvey Oswald get his brains blown out all over. How could we change the channel after that?”

Humor Funny Brain Generations Tvs Sick Tired Our Generation Harvey

Author:Denis Leary

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